Drained....

I had a 9 hour class today on suicide intervention and I must say-it kicked my ass.

Suicide has been a very common theme in my life-I had a cousin who killed himself in my driveway when I was little, I lost my father to suicide, my mother attempted it in front of me, and of course I've had my own attempts. This class today brought up a lot of memories and feelings-it was incredibly draining. I told the instructor half way through that I was totally overwhelmed, and she said that's to be expected. Which made me feel better, knowing it's a common feeling-but for a minute there I was doubting my ability to put my own experiences aside to be able to help someone.

By the end of the class I realized that while I was still feeling overwhelmed, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I could see how my experiences would be able to help someone in need.

I have another 9 hour class tomorrow-let's see if I still feel the same way.

Fear sets in in 3....2........

My crisis call center training begins Wednesday, with three more classes following on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. So not only will I not have a day off for another 12 days, I have to actually face my fears and GO to the classes. I do know 2 people so far, the ladies running the class, and it's my understanding that the classes are small this season-6 or so people. But still, I'm starting to get a bit panicky. I don't want to be panicked to the point of having to take a Xanax, because that will interfere with my ability to pay attention and retain anything they try to teach me. If I can just get through Wednesday, I'm sure I'll be fine. Right?

Why?

Why do I try to cultivate friendships that are losing propositions?

I have a friend, let's call her Bessie-we had a falling out about a year ago, though prior to that she was my best friend. Then I started to realize that she was always making me feel bad about myself, then I went off on her husband, so we took a little break. we've been socializing here and there, and I invited her to come to my self defense class on Saturday.

She just called me and canceled with some lame ass excuse.

Part of me is like "Ok, I knew this was going to happen". Part of me is actually really hurt. And part of me is convinced this is payback for a similar thing I did to someone God knows when.

Whatever. It will be a good lesson in learning how to be brave and do things on my own.

Still?

Yes, still. I'm still stuck in this weird depression mode-I'm living my life, and doing the things that are required of me, but I feel like I'm a spectator-I'm watching myself living my life.

It's been like 4-5-6-weeks. I don't know how to snap myself out of it. I'm torn between asking for help, and isolating, and stabbing myself in the arm, and living on Xanax-it feels hopeless right now.

I just want this feeling to go away. This is the only life I get-I don't want to spend it feeling this way.

Make it STOP

I have had a really bad case of the wants lately. I'm not normally like this, and I've been studying myself trying to figure out why.

I think I'm focusing on stupid things instead of focusing on the things that are really bothering me. Clothes, money, whatever. When really-who cares? I have everything I need, and I mean everything. My husband adores me, and there is nothing he wouldn't do for me. My children are healthy, happy, and safe. My home is my own. I love my car. I have a semi well paying job. So why do I suddenly find myself comparing me to everyone around me?

Hubbs taught me a valuable lesson last night-"Run your own race." Instead of worrying about what she has, or how much money he makes, just live your own life. If you waste your time comparing yourself to other people you will go insane. So, run your own race.

I'm trying-I really am. But right now, running my own race means focusing on me, and I just can't.

My cat is on the downhill slide. It happened again, and now I'm sure-he is losing bladder control in his sleep. I know it's just a cat, blah blah blah, but I am severely fucked in the head over this.

My son's (I don't even want to say father, because Hubbs is his father) dna donor didn't even send a card or call on his 13th birthday. He's a teenager now, and that ass couldn't even acknowledge it? It broke my heart when Youngest looked at me and said "Was there anything in the mail for me?" and I had to say "No."

Life is too much for me right now, it really is. It's been a solid week that I've been trapped in this mood, and I just want it to stop. I'm tired. And oh so very sad. Deep down, heart broken sad.

What. The. Hell.

I had my follow up doctor appointment today. All my blood work is fine, but she's really pushing this MS theory. She hasn't said she thinks I have it, but she said a woman my age, presenting with my symptoms, needs to be tested. I told her the tingling in my hands and feet has gone away (just a slight lie, it's mostly gone), but the dizziness is totally gone. The seeing stars-still there, but less frequent.

Apparently, that's also how MS presents. Symptoms that come and go, flare ups and remissions, etc..

I informed her that we have new insurance that SUCKS, and I can't afford an MRI right now. (Truth be told-I CAN afford it, I just don't WANT to afford it. I'd rather have things I want.)

She asked if I've ever had an MRI, which I have. So she is requesting those records, along with my back x-rays from last year or whenever the hell it was, and I have to go back in about a month.

She said "I'm not going to let this go for too long, no matter how much it costs you."

So there you have it. I asked her if it was life threatening, or if it really made a difference if I was diagnosed today or in a month, and she said no. I asked her if my life would be the same, can I still work? And she told me not to put the cart before the horse. And to stay off the internet. Which I (mostly) have.

I do know (because I went on the internet anyway, take THAT!)that life expectancy is basically the same with or without it. 90% still have the ability to walk 10 years after diagnoses, so it is progressive but not super fast.

Again, I think this is one of those things that will turn out to be nothing (you hear me fate? THIS IS NOTHING!), but I feel better for at least knowing if I do have it, it's not a death sentence.

Back to our regularly scheduled randomness.

P.S. Did I mention how badly I want to go home and drink? Alcohol has been my coping mechanism for many, many years. It's very strange, getting used to a life without it. Strange, but good.

Damn

I finally broke down and made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow. The seeing stars has not gone away, I'm dizzy, and my hands and feet are tingling.

There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. I can't figure out what makes it better or worse. I'm just sitting here at my desk, and all of a sudden I see little silver stars floating in the air. I thought it was related to not drinking, then I thought it WAS drinking, but I can't pin down any pattern.

I'm sure it's nothing, I seem to waste my money on doctor visits quite a bit. (I'm convinced I have brain cancer at least twice a year) But it's actually starting to scare me, so if I get peace of mind out of it, then it's money well spent.

I Can See The Light

I'm feeling better. Not 100%, but much better.

I'm not really clear on what left me feeling so hopeless. It was bad there for a minute. I considered going to the hospital Monday before I decided to just start talking to myself to get out of it. I have identified two things that were bothering me, but I think the real problem is that little voice in my head.

My weekend didn't end like I wanted it too, with family movie day. Youngest was at my brother's, and by the time he got home and we had dinner, we discovered the DVD we were going to watch didn't work. I didn't have a bad day, it just didn't go as planned.

I'm also feeling completely overwhelmed at work. I have a report due on January 30, and another one due this Friday. So I get the voice in my head telling me it's too hard, I'm not smart enough, I'm just going to fail anyway, I'll lose my job, my house, and everything I love-on and on and on. It's horrible, it really is. Sometimes it's like my brain is on this endless loop of replaying every dumb thing I've ever done and I just can't shut it up.

I'm feeling a bit more confident today, though I had a bad night last night. Listened to the voice until about 11pm before I finally took a Xanax so I could sleep.

I'm just going to continue doing the things that are expected of me, keep trying to silence the voice, and try REALLY hard not to shut down completely.

Wrong Kind Of Excitement!

My nephew is on leave for the holidays (Marine), and he and his little sister came over last night for dinner and a movie. Well, that was the plan anyway.

What's the old saying-Men make plans while God laughs or something like that?

My brother stayed for dinner too, then Nephew, Hubbs, and Youngest went to rent movies. When they got back, they had one movie that was slightly questionable so Hubbs and I were checking the parental advisories on the trusty interwebs. Nephew decided to eat the left over steak.

"Mom! Cousins choking!"

"Holy shit, call 911" (which is my immediate reaction to everything)

Youngest had hit him on the back once, then I tried the Heimlich Maneuver. He was kind of able to speak, but he was turning red and spitting out huge amounts of saliva. Then Hubbs did the Heimlich, which left him better able to speak, but he said he still felt the steak stuck in his throat.

We called 911, and we are lucky enough to live about 1 minute away from our local fire station. They were here before the 911 operator was done asking me the usual questions.

It was determined that he needed to be seen, to possibly have an esophageal scope and have the foreign body removed. They took off in the ambulance (by the way, did you know if you are active duty military you can go to any hospital and be seen?) and Hubbs followed while I stayed home with Youngest and Niece.

They sat there for about 2 hours, when Nephew started feeling better and they decided the scope wasn't necessary, but they did take an x-ray to confirm the blockage had passed.

He's okay-a little embarrassed about having to be told to take smaller bites and chew more thoroughly, but he's fine. Thank you God, Jesus, or whoever is listening today. (have I ever mentioned that my Grandmother died from choking on food?)

So that left us today, all of us emotionally drained and feeling like we could have lost him. Which leads me to start thinking about how this is nothing-he's about to be shipped to Afghanistan, or North Korea, or whoever the hell we've decided is a threat. It's a little too much for my fragile nature today. I'm kind of feeling like I'm going off the deep end anyway (too much unstructured vacation time) and this has affected me more than I realize.

This is probably one of the most selfish things I've ever said but I'm saying it anyway.

I understand and appreciate the need for the military, I really do. I have always had a place in my heart for the men and women who are willing to fight and potentially die for me and my freedom.

But couldn't it be someone else?

Keep On Learning

While driving home yesterday, I let my mind wander as I sometimes do, and I came up with this.

What if the reason I suffer from such horrible anxiety is because for the first 15 years of my life, I was required to keep secrets? I grew up always afraid someone was going to find out something- the abuse at home, the suicide attempts, hiding from my real father-I kept secrets for YEARS. Shhhhh…….

Then one day, I didn’t have to anymore. I could be who I was, with nothing to hide. But what if that secret keeping part of me is so ingrained, that now, when I’m surrounded by people, I’m afraid of them finding out?

Just a thought.

Going Back To Cali......

Why I ever took a job in sales when I hate to fly and am afraid of people, I will never know.

I’m leaving for California Wednesday, returning Friday. Of course I have a million things to do-mostly walking around my house in circles praying that the plane doesn’t crash-it’s very time consuming.

I’ll post when I can, but in the meantime-have a great week!

Scared!

I’ve wanted to write a book for quite a while. I don’t have the best writing skills, but I feel I have a story to tell. A story of survival, if you will. Not just survival, but actually overcoming the hand I was dealt at birth. When I look back on my life, I truly think it’s a miracle that I’m not institutionalized or dead. (And not for lack of trying!)

I thought that fear of failure had been holding me back. Then I realized I’m more afraid of succeeding than I am of failing. If I fail, I’m sure my fragile self esteem will be bruised for a while, but really it’s not the end of the world.

But if I succeed? Then people will know what sorts of things have happened to me, and what sorts of things I have done. I’ll have to go on a book tour, and do interviews and signings. Can you see me in a store with 100 people in line waiting to meet me? And what if they ask me a question about the abuses I’ve suffered? Am I willing to talk about that with strangers? In public? And if I refuse to do publicity tours, then what’s the point in writing it? I would like to get my story out, but I would also like people to know that you can get past the horrors of your childhood. I would like to inspire.

I know I’m ahead of myself-as I said, I don’t have the best writing skills, and if publishing a book were easy everyone would be doing it. But I like to plan for all scenarios, and these are the things my head comes up with.

At any rate, I’ve decided to write at least one short story this weekend. I have a few subjects floating in my head, thanks to the inspiration I’ve received from reading other’s blogs.

Wish me luck. And have a FABULOUS weekend!

Shallow? Or Insecure?

We went to parents night last night at Youngest's school. Usually when we go to school events, I'm paralyzed with anxiety. Surrounded by soccer moms with huge diamond rings, I feel my tattooed self just doesn't fit in. My clothes are wrong, my hair is wrong, and every one knows I suck.

Last night, after seeing all the other parents, I looked at Hubbs and said "I thought we lived in a better neighborhood."

One woman was dressed like a stripper. I shit you not. I saw more cleavage and ass last night than I think I have all year. And it wasn't pretty cleavage and ass. It was more....trailer park. (I can say that, I lived in a trailer)

So, my question to myself is this. Am I so shallow that my social anxiety is directly related to whether or not I think I'm better than everyone around me? And I don't mean better like I'm a better person. I'm sure stripper mom is very nice and volunteers at the food bank on the weekends. I mean better like-I know how to dress to go to school functions. Does that make sense? I don't think I'm better than anyone, I really don't. In fact, I'm quite sure the majority of parents there are much better parents than I was/am. But when I looked around and realized I was in the top 10% of the best dressed people there, I relaxed and felt better.

Wow. I am shallow. My social anxiety can be cured with the proper wardrobe. I wonder if I can get a prescription for that?

Parent Night

Today is already an idiotic day. I'm halfway in panic mode thinking about parents night tonight. We have a schedule to follow, in order to visit all of Youngest's classes in the time allotted. Tons of people, walking the halls of a junior high that is an exact replica of the one I spent 3 tortured years at-this night is not looking good.

And Hubbs is mad and doesn't want to go.

Xanax here I come.

Fear

I am gripped by fear today. I do this to myself every now and again, I’m not sure why. Fear of school shootings, fear of crashing on the freeway, fear of going anywhere-doing ANYTHING-alone. Fear of talking on the phone, fear all my decisions are bad-the list could go on and on.

Maybe it has something to do with parent night tomorrow. Being surrounded by people always freaks me out.

I am an insecure, anxiety driven kook.

Skeered!

I just sent Work Friend a link to this blog. It has been my deep, dark, secret. But, what the hell. You have to let go sometime, right?

Before sending the link, I went back and read the whole entire thing (yes I do know I'm a loon)and I realized I don't update for shit. I write whats on my mind and never post a follow up.

So, since all 2 of you might be wondering what happened with a few things, here you go.

1. I let work friend read my short story. She said it needed some work, more detail here and there, but that it could be good. As in, I should keep writing. Woo hoo!

2. The insurance paid all but $300.00 of my teeth. Thank GOD.

3. I'm sure there's more, but I have the attention span of a hummingbird. So if you really want to know, ask.

I Am A FREAK

Hubbs gets off of work a half an hour before I do. When I got home last night, he wasn't there.

"Maybe I left earlier than I thought"

"Maybe he had to stay late"

"Maybe he's dead on the side of the road, and I'm not going to know until the highway patrol comes knocking on my door at midnight"

"Oh my God, who would I call to come stay with Youngest? How can I face life without him? I knew this was too good to be true. I KNEW something terrible was going to happen."

Hubbs pulls up, about 30 minutes late.

"Where were you? I thought you were dead!"

"I told you I had to go drug test for my new job"

"Oh yeah"

Self Aware?

About 2 weeks ago, I went into this binge period of eating, drinking, and smoking. Add a little depression to the mix, and things have been a little unbalanced in my head.

I could not figure out why I had no self control. It was freaking me out because after losing 20 pounds, any weight gain makes me feel like I'm going to gain it all back.

The other night, Hubbs lay next to me on the bed and asked what was going on with me.

"I don't know, I'm fine."

"You've been this way for 2 weeks. Maybe it's time to talk to me."

"I will if I need to."

The next morning, I realized that 2 weeks ago was when he put in his 2 week notice. So maybe me wanting to eat constantly was a reaction to that. I have serious food hoarding issues (Work Friend thinks it's because I was raised Mormon, I think it's because we were poor). If I have less than 5 pounds of frozen chicken breasts in the freezer, I freak. If I can see the shelves in the refrigerator, I panic.

Once I realized that was the issue, I calmed down. I did not overeat yesterday, I only had 4 cigarettes, and I had no alcohol.

Gluttony, thy name is childhood trauma.

Ouch

It's funny how childhood events haunt us in our adult lives. Even after the forgiveness and acceptance, things still come up and bite you in the ass.

We moved to Reno when I was 8 years old. We hadn't been there very long when my birthday came around. I was the new kid, and didn't have very many friends. My mother decided a birthday party would be a great way to make friends, so we sent out about 20 invitations.

No one came. Not one child showed up to my party.

To this day, whenever there is any sort of event, I am convinced no one is going to show. I had a birthday party a few years ago, and tons of people showed, but that didn't change my anxiety when I had a housewarming party. Again, a ton of people showed.

Hubbs has his going away party tonight, and I kept thinking "What if no one shows?"
17 people have already accepted, plus one guy even showed up last night (apparently he can't read).

Anxiety, thy name is childhood trauma.

Fear

I would like to write a book of short stories. I have done/been through some absolutely crazy shit, and I think writing it down would 1. help heal me and 2. maybe even help others.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a short story. I don't know if it's any good, it makes me cry but I lived it.

My problem? I can't even let anyone read it to get a disinterested parties opinion. I actually had it in my hand this morning, ready to show work friend, and I locked it back up in my bedroom.

If it's horrible, I would like to know. Then I know I need to just write for myself. If I maybe have a speck of talent, I would like to know that too.

My life is still ruled by fear. I need to work on that.