2 things...

#1-I really, really, REALLY thought I would take those whole aging shiz better than I am. New wrinkle? No bueno....Mid-life crisis in 3....2....

#2-I really thought that at some point I would get used to the physical side of my new job. Again, no bueno.

So, I shall sleep, because apparently that's what I do now.

Time to recharge

I have been fucking up in about 9 thousand kinds of ways lately, and my mental and physical health are both suffering. I need to recharge, and pay attention to what my mind and body need. Not want-need.

Wish me luck, self-awareness, and wisdom.

Ok, ASS.

Time to buck up and get my shit together. I've had the poor me's for too long now, and I'm over it.

I want to be lean and toned like I was last summer. I've gained 5 pounds, and I can really feel it. I've lost my workout/eat right mojo-but I figure if I just pretend I have it eventually it will come back to me. Fake it till you make it, right?

I want to not drink as much. Hmmm, how do I accomplish that? I know-drink less! I'm having a party Saturday that involves margaritas (which I actually wish I hadn't promised everyone now) but other than that, I don't see a lot of booze in my future. It damages my self esteem, it makes me feel fat, it increases my anxiety, and it makes me feel like a bad parent/wife/friend. And it costs money. Where is the fun in that?

I've been too depressed to do things I usually enjoy, like trim my rose bushes or give myself a pedicure. So last night I made myself trim the damn roses anyway, and this weekend I will be taking some time out for myself with things like a pedi and making some healthy foods I've been wanting to try.

Seriously, depression is a bad bad thing. You put off things you actually care about because you're too down in the dumps to give a shit, then it makes you feel worse about yourself for procrastinating.

Again, fake it till you make it!

Easy to please.

I'm just starting to feel the fog of my depression lifting. Of course, it's not a permanent cure, but knowing I'm about a week away from seeking help has really lifted a huge weight of my shoulders. I don't have to feel this way for the rest of my life-help is on the way!

I credit feeling better to three things.

1. Lunch date with Hubbs Friday. 1/2 day at work, out for a nice lunch, then family movie night. Sounds like a perfect day.

2. Therapy appointment next Thursday, then getting my hair done afterward. Again, a half day at work-I didn't think I would want to come back after spilling my guts and crying like a girl. A new hair style, on the other hand, will be just what the doctor ordered. (HA! See what I did there?)

3. Pizza party February 7th. I entered a contest and won a pretty cool party pack (Thanks DiGiorno!)of free pizzas, coupons for my guests, a new pizza cutter, etc...
At first I wanted to invite a bunch of people, then I realized that the people that are coming are important to me, and that makes it perfect. Besides, as we all know, crowds freak me out-even in my own home.

It really is important to have things to look forward to. Sometimes, that's all you have.

Monday

Mondays suck, they really do. I am TIRED.

Trying to have a new attitude this week. Sick of having hurt feelings, sick of trying to fix things I can't control.

And while I really hate this saying, it's true-it is what it is. I can't change the past, I can only choose to live my life in a positive way now.

So that's what I'm doing.

Am I proud of me? Yes. Do my husband and son love me? Yes.

2 out of 3 ain't bad at all.

FUUUUCCCKKK

Help is on the way!

I made an appointment with a psychologist, oh yes I did. It's time to once and for all fix the bullshit in my head.

I think I'm doing well, and then one little thing will happen and I'm trapped in misery and despair.

No more. I refuse to do it anymore. It's time to learn new ways of thinking, acting, and reacting.

No longer will I let myself or anyone else beat me up for my mistakes.

So there.

Now all I have to do is make it through these next 2 weeks.

So...

I'm not doing so well over here. I've been having panic attacks, I'm filled with anxiety, and everything I touch right now just seems to turn to shit.

But, good news, our insurance has changed, and as long as I see someone in network it's only a $25 co-pay. So today I will be making an appointment with some sort of mental health professional, we'll see where it ends up.

It's shocking to me that no matter how far I have come in my life, these stupid little things can set me back so far. I'd like to put a stop to that.

What is beauty?

And how sad is it that so much of our (well, my) self esteem is directly related to how we look?

You see a woman. She's all made up, her hair looks great-she's beautiful!

Now take the same woman, without makeup. She has an uneven skin tone, circles under her eyes, and her eyes no longer stand out. She is no longer the "beautiful" woman you just saw.

Is she still beautiful? Is beauty only cosmetics? Can anyone be beautiful with the right amount of make-up?

Think of your reaction to seeing certain celebrities without make-up. I know I've been shocked at the differences between their made up faces and their natural ones.

This week has been very strange for me. I'm shocked at how unattractive I feel with a swollen eye and less than my usual make-up. I generally feel attractive, and yes, sometimes even beautiful.

I'm the same me! Why do I feel like I'm about to be chased by villagers with pitchforks and flames? It's ridiculous!

I think I'm just not comfortable without my "mask" on. I feel vulnerable, like everyone is going to judge me and my 41 year old skin. Stupid.

This week has really left me questioning what beauty really is, and if it is more attitude and self confidence.

Well done.

Things you might not know about schizophrenia, in comic book form. There but for the grace of God go any of us.

Quite a few of us go there, actually.

link via mentalfloss.com

It's like she knows me....

More Randomness

Apparently nicotine gum can cause nightmares. It's not a common side effect, But Little Wing pointed out that I have been reporting bad dreams since I quit smoking. So after a quick Google search, I discovered I'm not the only one. I knew it was a side effect of the patch, but had no idea about the gum. Weird. I won't report the dreams I had last night, but they were horrific. You know, when you wake up gasping? I did have a few cigarettes last night too-maybe it's related. I am having a hell of a time quitting this time around, not sure why. Too much going on at once.

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We're leaving next Thursday to spend a few days with Oldest and his family. I am so excited! I haven't even met the new baby yet (He's 2). Can't wait!

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My friend Terry and her boyfriend are coming to stay the weekend in August. She moved to Texas about 2 years ago, and I really felt the loss of my friend. I can't wait to see her!

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I have found that it really does help to have things you are looking forward to. My only problem is I'm easily overwhelmed, but so far I'm doing ok. And I'm trying to not listen to the voice that's telling me something will happen, the trip will be canceled, Terry won't be able to make it, etc... And I said this before, but it bears repeating. I really think the Chromium is helping me. It may only be a placebo effect, but who cares? I've actually been on a pretty even keel for a week or so now. It's a miracle!

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Last night at the grocery store, I was reaching for a portobello mushroom top when I just froze. My mind went blank, and I couldn't remember what the hell I was doing. This has happened to me before, but last night I almost cried over it, not sure why. Faulty wiring.

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The only difference between a blogger and that crazy guy on the corner talking to himself is a computer.

I'd give credit where it's due, but I can't remember where I saw that.

Dare I say....happy?

I just found out my insurance has decided to cover Nexium. It's the only pill that has helped my acid reflux at all, and when we switched insurance I had to stop taking it because it's almost $300 a month. (Don't even get me started on the pharmaceutical industry in this country)

Anyhoodle, now it's covered so I just called it in. This makes me very happy. I was really thinking I was going to suffer miserably with no relief for the REST OF MY LIFE. Because that's how my brain works. But now that I know there is relief in site, I actually feel a tad bit happy. Not manic, either. Happy.

Which brings me to this-I think (maybe? just a smidge?) that the chromium might be helping. It is kind of soon to say, but generally when I get severely depressed, once it starts to fade I get about a day of normal before the mania sets in. Bouncing off the walls in my head, everything is great let's do THIS! and THIS! etc...

But this time, I feel my depression just kind of fading away. And no signs of mania.

What if Nexium and chromium were all it takes?

Here we go

I can no longer live with this cycle of depression-blah-mania. I'm exhausted. Exhausted from 30 years of fighting to be normal. Exhausted from letting my moods run my life. Exhausted from not being HERE, connected to my family and friends, and life in general. Exhausted from talking myself out of hurting myself or just disappearing altogether.

I'm going back to therapy. I have to. I literally can not do this anymore, and the only thing that is keeping me going is the hope that therapy will help me. I refuse to take any of the mood stabilizers/anti-depressants. I've tried nearly every one of them, and the side effects are worse than the mood swings. But I've read some positive things about behavioral therapy that I'd like to try. I have a therapist, I saw her quite often for about 3 years. But I never got really serious, I just basically went in, said "I'm doing better!" got my Xanax, and left.

It's time to get serious. My life is at stake. I want to be happy. Not even happy, I want to be NORMAL.

I've also read some good things about Chromium for treating depression-and carb cravings, oddly enough. So I'm trying that and hoping to get some relief. I'll keep you updated to how it works.

Maybe

Maybe I did catch this mood before it got too bad. I feel better today-kind of like I need to keep busy, but much better. I don't feel as disconnected as I did yesterday. And much less irritable.

Maybe sometimes I just need to let it consume me, without fighting it. Get it out of my system.

Just a theory.

Hello old friend

I swear, I have never felt a depressive mood coming on as strongly as I feel this one. I'm angry, irritable, uncomfortable in my own skin. I can't focus, I don't know what to do next, I'm just MAD.

It feels like an embrace-maybe an embrace from weird Uncle Dave, but an embrace nonetheless.

Maybe its progress-a step forward-identify it then deal with it. But right now, I just want to fall back in to its arms and let it consume me.

It's worth a try!

I have a habit of forgetting the beauty that is life itself,the world around me, my family, etc.... Here are 9 ways to reconnect with the world around you.

1. Waking up in the morning saying “breathing in, I calm my body, breathing out, every cell of my body is alive.” Do this a few times with each in and out breath

2. When taking a shower, notice if your mind is already at work, bring it back to noticing the sensations of the water on your body or the smell of the soap. How amazing that we can smell at all.

3. When eating your meals during the day, pay attention to the tastes for a moment and consider all the people (including yourself) who have worked hard to get that food to your table today. Consider the fact that it took rain, soil, and sunshine to create this as well. All of this is within your food.

4. Drive to work a bit slower today, use red lights as opportunities to just breathe. Be aware that this breath just happens autonomously without your awareness most of the day and is essential for living.

5. While at work, try and see your co-workers as people with their own struggles and triumphs trying to do the best they can in this life.(Talking to you Lula!)

6. Throughout the day, if possible, send those who are struggling wishes of kindness. For example hold them in your mind and say, “May you be happy, May you be healthy, May you be free from fear, May you be safe.” If judgments arise around this, again, notice them as habits and know that wishing people well is an act that ultimately is a path toward healing yourself.

7. Driving home, reflect back on your day, what went well, what would you wish you would have done differently. Breathe in and breathe out.

8. Before stepping in the door, if you have family, take a moment to consider how you would like “to be” with your family this evening. Maybe you can set the intention for being present and kind, less reactive. Breathe in, breathe out.(Again, Lula!)

9. As you lay your bed on your pillow, look back on the day and ask yourself, “Where was wonder today?” If you are someone with a religious or spiritual inclination, you may ask “Where was God in my day today?”

via psychcentral

Finally!

The depression has lifted, and now I'm in a slightly manic phase-I'm having a little trouble focusing on one single thing. I know both mood extremes are not normal, but I would choose this over mind numbing depression any day.

I'm taking a vacation day tomorrow-since I won't be home all day Saturday I'll be able to get some things done and sneak in some alone time with Hubbs before Youngest gets home. Pretty excited about that.

And, that's all I've got today.

Monday Monday

New day-new attitude. That's the theory anyway. Focus on the positive, move forward-I can do those things.

I actually have quite a few things to look forward to right now. Self defense class Saturday, visiting Oldest and his family this summer, taking friends out to lunch-those are my happy things.

And I had a very productive weekend-I didn't spend as much time with my husband as I would have liked, but I did have good quality time with Youngest. So there you go.

Move forward.

Still?

Yes, still. I'm still stuck in this weird depression mode-I'm living my life, and doing the things that are required of me, but I feel like I'm a spectator-I'm watching myself living my life.

It's been like 4-5-6-weeks. I don't know how to snap myself out of it. I'm torn between asking for help, and isolating, and stabbing myself in the arm, and living on Xanax-it feels hopeless right now.

I just want this feeling to go away. This is the only life I get-I don't want to spend it feeling this way.