I'm baaaaaacccccccckkkkkkkkk!

I am once again a productive member of society. First full day on the job, and I am so happy I could just spit! It feels so good to have a reason to get up and dressed every morning, to have work to do and responsibility.

I swear in more ways than one, losing that stupid job was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Happy, HAPPY Monday!!

And so it ends....

Holy frickin cow I found a job! And I start tomorrow!

So random too-Hubbs sent me a link to a job that had been posted 3 weeks ago-not sure how I missed it, but somehow I did. Sent my resume yesterday, they called me today for an interview, and I was hired on the spot! I swear, I have never been so happy. It's such a huge weight off my shoulders, you have no idea.

Go me!!!!!

Best weekend EVER!

You know you had a good time when you're still sleeping it off 3 days later...

We danced, drank, met up with a friend of mine I've known since I was 12 (just a few short years ago, HA!)soaked in the jacuzzi, ate delicious food. I really feel like the Hubbs and I connected. All in all, a wonderful time, and worth every bit of it!

Wow.

I had an excellent weekend with my husband, and get this-there was no booze involved! I'm on medication that strictly prohibits drinking. At first I panicked-how will I ever make it through a weekend without booze? Not only did we make it, it was awesome.

We camped in the living room and had a movie marathon-a couple of Hitchcock flicks, an indie flick or two-we even watched an old Tracy-Hepburn movie that we both really enjoyed.

Done with the meds on Wednesday-just in time for my big birthday weekend! A friend of ours got us a jacuzzi suite at one of the casinos this weekend-for free! It's the best gift EVER considering I'm still unemployed. I'm calling it Boozebubblebangfest 2010!

It feels good to have something to look forward to. And catching up on sleep/Hubbs time this past weekend has done wonders for my depression. I actually feel human today!

Nobody stands....

between me and my man.....

So, dont?

Saying I can't handle the stress of job security anymore really made me realize to just stop stressing over it. So I lose my job-so what? I've hated it here for a while, and who knows what windows of opportunity will open up for me?

So I'm over it. I'll just do what I can to keep myself occupied during the day, and keep my eyes peeled for other opportunities.

Feeling content in 3...2....

Therapy

is god damn amazing by the way. My therapist is on maternity leave right now, and I can't WAIT for her to get back so I can share my progress!

This past weekend, when going out with Youngest, I almost had a panic attack-once in the theater, and once on the way to the restaurant.

I used the techniques I've been taught, and presto! No panic attack. That's not to say I wasn't nervous and shaky but I was able to get myself under control enough to enjoy my day.

I also just got back from taking Youngest to the airport. Not only did I get him on his plane without crying and freaking out, I sat BY MYSELF until his plane took off. Then I walked BY MYSELF through the airport, to my car, and came back to work. In past years, not only would I start drinking somewhere during this drama, there is no way in hell I could have done it alone. Or gone back to work.

Pretty god damn proud of myself right now!

Best weekend EVER

Hubbs and I went to Winnemucca for the weekend-little teeny town about 2 hours from here.

Learned to dance the 2 step with a cowboy, went on a walking tour of historic buildings, and had a delicious Basque meal.

Exhausted. But in a wonderful, fabulous, loving the hell out of my husband kind of way.

NOT the usual Monday

For the first time in a very long time, my week is off to a half way decent start.

I'm 4 pounds lighter than last Monday.

I started my week with some weight lifting yesterday.

I'm not recovering from a 4+ day drinking binge.

I don't feel like stabbing anybody.

Not bad for a Monday!

It's like a dream come true!

I have decided I am the perfect patient.

My Dr. has been giving me little tips and tricks to get myself through the day-everything from progressive muscle relaxation to help me sleep at night to mindfulness exercises to ward off a panic attack.

Last session, I discussed with her how when I read (or see) a sad news report or whatever it stays with me all day, effectively ruining my day. She taught me to remind myself that I can't save the world, and yes it's very sad-I'm allowed to spend a moment being sad-but then I must move on. Practicing my mindfulness exercises and telling myself "This thought is not beneficial to me right now" are ways of moving on.

Yesterday, leaving work, I saw a Doberman running down the middle of the street with a cast on his leg.

Now, 2 weeks ago, that would have made me cry and ruined my day.

My first thought was "Pull over! Read his tag! SAVE HIM!!!!!"

And then I remembered not only am I afraid of large dogs I don't know, what if he tries to bite me? I'm going to risk myself to save some dog?

So I told myself "How sad, someone isn't taking very good care of their dog. But I can't risk injury to save him. Now keep driving-pay attention to the road."

And it worked!

Then, at the end of the block, I saw a woman looking around-

Me-"Are you looking for a dog?"

Her-"Thank you, we just found his owner."

It's like I was instantly rewarded for using the tools I was given to take care of myself.

Pretty damn proud of that.

So....

Friday went well, non drinking family movie night.

Saturday went not so well-we drank, but not to the point where I couldn't remember half the night. And I felt well enough Sunday to do some hiking and various other chores. So the weekend wasn't alcohol free, but I did better than I have in a long time.

So much better in fact that today is actually a good day. I'm not depressed and I don't feel like stabbing anyone.

Baby steps.

Happy

All things aside, I can honestly say I have never been happier in my life.

Just thought I'd put that out there.

Happy New Year!

May you only make resolutions you can keep.

Mine are the same old things I've been fighting forever-drinking less, not smoking, and eating like a person who has acid reflux.

Here's to a happy, healthy 2010.

Happy happy!

Merry Christmas!!

You know you've turned your life around.....

When the thing you're looking forward to the most on your birthday is eating a hamburger. ON A BUN.

You know, as opposed to all the drugs you USED to do to celebrate.

Anyway, Happy Birthday to me!

The guys are making dinner tonight, and Saturday we're going to.....Dairy Queen! I have a hankering for a chocolate/vanilla swirl cone. Living large!

All kidding aside, I'm pretty damn happy to be where I'm at at 41. My life is so completely different than it was even 10 years ago. I'm older, wiser, and-yes, I'm going to say it-better looking. I've never been healthier or happier than I am right now.

I love my 40's!

I did it!

I am now a certified suicide interventionist!

Class today was hard-we had to role play and play both parts-the person in crisis and the interventionist. It was hard for me to play the person in crisis-it brought up a ton of old feelings. But it was even harder to play the care giver. It felt like there was so much pressure to say the exact right thing to get the person out of their crisis. But I learned so much, and I feel very confident in not only my ability to help someone, but in my fellow care givers to help me help the person in crisis.

And I'm certified! I'm actually really proud of myself. Not only did I handle the material and the scenarios that were thrown at me, I handled them well.

I think the most important thing I learned this weekend was the fact that dealing with these calls is emotionally draining, and not only is it ok to cry, it's ok to tell your fellow care givers that hey-that call was hard on me, can we talk about it?

And my training gives me the skills required to save a life. I can save someones life. I can recognize the cries for help and I know what to do to bring the person back to the here and now, and help them help themselves.

I'm so proud!

Progress!

We took our measurements this morning, and not only did I drop a few more pounds (133.5!) but I've lost another inch off my waist and hips. It seems to be a very slow process, but what I'm doing is working. Pretty proud of that.

I'm in!

I just got back from my interview at the Crisis Call Center-and I'm in!

The interview was very intense-tears were shed, hugs were dispensed-and at the end of it she said "Ok, see you October 7th for training."

I was shocked-"I'm in?"

"Yes, see you then!"

She also said that I have overcome so much, and that I have a lot be proud of. That made me feel good-it's nice hearing it from other people every now and again.

The training is going to be a little intense, especially the first week. But I'm really looking forward to this new adventure.

Go me!

Shocked, shocked I tells ya!

Since starting on this weight loss/healthy living journey, my goals have changed many times. My weight loss goals have changed, the type of food I want to eat has changed, my workouts have changed, etc..

I was a firm believer in calories in/calories out. I thought low carb dieting was bullshit, and I was sure that working out to various dvd's as well as doing 20 minutes of cardio a day would get me the results I wanted.

Granted, I did lose the initial 20 pounds that way, but my body still didn't look like I wanted it to, and I still, after all this time, could never hit the magical weight of 135 pounds. I was "skinny fat"-thin but not toned. I was somewhat in shape, but I was not strong.

Today, after following my new plan for about 1-2 months, I hit 135.5. I could not believe my eyes!

I've been following the advice of Mark, from Mark's Daily Apple. I had been a reader of his site for a very long time, but I didn't quite believe the majority of his advice. Eliminate processed foods? No problem. But cut out my cardio? Give up my low cal bread and wraps? No WAY!

I finally decided to jump into it once I realized I was truly getting no where.

Now, I spend FAR less time working out, I basically eat whatever I want (avoiding grains and high carb fruits)and I've never been happier!

I do still have the occasional sandwich, and of course beer (and candy!) but I do follow the 80/20 rule (eat right 80% of the time, 20% can be cheating). And I don't only do it for weight loss-once I learned the effect sugar and grains have on your body it was kind of easy to quit.

I am still battling beer and candy-but overall I am 99% better than I was a year ago. I'm stronger, healthier, and I have never looked better!

For more information on Mark and his Primal Blueprint, click here.

Moving Forward

So not drinking over the weekend? FAIL. But I don't feel too badly about it. My weight is lower than it was last Monday, I spent quality time with my husband, my kid, and my girlfriend, and nothing terrible happened. So there ya go.

Friday I have an appointment at the Crisis Call Center to interview for the volunteer position. I am very nervous for a variety of reasons-what keeps running through my brain the most is the fact that I can't even read the news without crying, will I really be able to keep it together and help someone in a crisis? I guess there's only one way to find out. I'm hoping that helping others will not only get me out of my own damn head for a minute, but will maybe help give me the tools so the world just doesn't hurt me so much.