So, drinking.

I had sort of a......mini-snap the other night. Well, that's not exactly the right word. I don't know what to call it. But I do know this-I am so very lucky to have my husband by my side.

I am seriously sick of drinking. I'm sick of blurry weekends, I'm sick of spending the money, I'm sick of waking up on weekend mornings wondering what the hell I did the night before-"quick, check the internet! Did I embarrass myself?"

I don't think I made myself clear before, but I really put some effort into telling Hubbs how I felt. And how I feel is, if I don't get a grip on this I will check myself in to rehab. I just need to break this cycle.

Now, I have no desire or intention on quitting drinking. What I want is to drink like a normal person. Like special occasions, or when we have company. But this getting blasted just for the sake of getting blasted has got to stop.

I poured my heart out to Hubbs, and he said "I didn't realize you felt this strongly. I will fix it."

And you know what? I have the utmost faith that we will fix this together.

I may turn out to be one of those people who can never drink again, period. Or, I may turn out to be someone who can drink like a normal person. Time will tell I suppose.

Now, that being said, I am looking forward to both having a couple of beers Friday night with Hubbs, and then not drinking at all on Saturday. That will be a good start to a sober week.

Part of my freak out is the fact that last year over Christmas break, when we had like 10 days off, I spent the majority of it drunk. So not only did I gain 12 pounds between Thanksgiving and New Years of last year, I felt like an ass. A terrible wife, a terrible mother, etc...

This year, with all that time off, I would like to do more family activities-we have some plans for building shelves and stuff, and we bought Pictionary Man-LOVE that game. But no way in hell do I want to go back down the 10 day crazy path.

So, here I go again....

Dear Online Diary......

I'm sorry you've been so neglected lately! I've been so busy lately I'm actually having quite a bit of trouble just keeping up.

I have 7 more classes to finish this month for the Crisis Center-things should at least feel a bit more calm after that. This class every Wednesday night is kicking my ass.

Of course we still have my birthday, Thanksgiving, another holiday party, Christmas, and my wedding anniversary to go. I am SO looking forward to January!

Things have been going well, though I'm still a little concerned that I may have taken on more than I can handle with this call center. I live in a self imposed protective bubble-I don't watch the news, I don't read the paper, and I generally do a pretty good job of insulating myself from the horrors of the world. The classes are enough to send me into a downward spiral, how am I going to feel actually dealing with a woman who has just been beaten? I know I have to focus on the fact that I'm helping people, but I'm still pretty skeptical.

On that note, Sunday is my first "listening shift"-basically just hanging out and listening to the other volunteers for 4 hours. I think that will give me a good indication of if I can do this or not. And for that reason, we have moved family movie day from Sunday to Saturday this week. I need my family time, and I don't really want to just hang out and drink like I do most Saturdays.

Anyway, things are going well, I'm totally overwhelmed, and you, dear diary, are not the only thing that has been neglected lately. You should see my house.

More later.

Lula

P.S. This new plan of eating low carb/primal? Best choice I've ever made. I hit 132 pounds the other day-and bought a new pair of size 5 jeans! Pretty damn proud of that. Now it's all about the strength training.

Here We Go Again

Blah blah beer blah blah acid reflux blah blah blah

I swear, you'd think I'd learn.

I went off of Nexium because our new insurance won't cover it and it is HIGHLY expensive. I was doing ok, until about 2 weeks ago. I had veggie chili at lunch and it was all down hill from there. Prilosec is supposed to be very similar to Nexium, so I took about 3 doses then blew it off. Then came Thanksgiving-friends, family, no work, concerts, lots of beer, and of course those delightful jalapeno treats.

I am paying for it now. Big time. I'm suffering the same symptoms that originally led me to urgent care. I'm taking Prilosec every day, and I haven't had a drink since Saturday.

Not working yet. I blame the beer. I blame the beer for a lot of things, including, but not limited to-my 6 pound weight gain, my acid reflux, and money that seems to have just disappeared.

My goal, AGAIN, is to not drink, not even 1, until Friday. I would like to be a normal person, a person who has a few beers on a Friday night to celebrate the end of the week. Not this person I have become (have been?), who has a beer in her hand at all times. It's getting old. I'm sick of fighting the acid reflux, I'm sick of fighting the weight gain, and I'm sick of feeling like shit when I wake up in the morning.

I can do this.

My Brain At 5AM

So, because I’m trying to see some positive when I feel drowned in negative, here’s my theory on the past 16 days.

First I hurt my arm, and then I spent the next 10 days recovering. Then I caught some flu/cold nonsense, and have spent the last 5 days doped up on cold meds and basically parked on the couch.

I quit drinking about 16 days ago. I think the injury and sickness were the universe’s way of distracting me from the fact that I wasn’t drinking. A wise man once told me it takes about 3 weeks to make or break a habit, and I’m a few short days away from the 3 week mark. It flew by, because I was in pain and sick. Generally just wrapped up in trying to feel better.

Or, I could just be a clumsy ass who got too close to the wrong person. Whichever.

Still Positive

I am working hard to maintain my positive attitude. I'm still in a bit of pain from the shoulder sprain, but not so much that I need pain pills to get through my day. I can do a few basic chores, but I plan on relaxing the majority of the weekend so I can hopefully drive without pain on Monday.

Today is day 7 with no alcohol. I actually feel surprisingly good! I'm very tired, which is probably a combination of my arm healing and the pain pills leaving my system. But in the past 7 days, here are a few things I've learned.

The amount of money we spent on beer was RIDICULOUS. I'm too embarrassed to give the exact figure, but we have definitely noticed the savings this week.

I smoke a hell of a lot less when I don't drink. And cigarettes are grossing me out more and more each passing day, so I see quitting in my near future.

I can eat a lot more food when I'm not trying to balance alcohol calories. No more drunkorexia!

The 3 pounds I gained and was trying to lose? Gone. I didn't even try. Maybe I'll hit 135 after all!

I seem to have quite a few more hours in my days and nights. I can actually stay up past 9pm!

I haven't had a headache in a week.

Mentally, I'm doing ok. I haven't noticed any huge anger or frustration issues, but as I said I'm sure there is still Darvocet coursing through my veins. But for now, I'm doing well. And I'm very, very proud of us. Hubbs and I have a long history of feeding in to each others bad habits. Now that we have decided to use our powers for good, things are much smoother.

This concludes your alcohol chronicles update for the day. Have a great weekend!

Alcohol Chronicles, Day 4

Now I remember why I drink. Between the nightmares and laying in bed at night being bombarded by horrible thoughts and memories, it's no wonder I was drunk all the time.

Alcohol Chronicles, Day 3

So far, so good. No one has died yet, AND we're still married!

The biggest test of all-we have to shop at Wal-Mart tonight for our camping supplies. After work. When every other white trash (I can say that, my family is from West Virginia) bargain hunter in town is there with their 1800 kids.

Ugh.

Alcohol Chronicles, Day 2

I made it through the day! I fought with the husband a little bit, but that just reinforced my desire to stop frickin drinking. If we wouldn't have been drunk the day before, I think we wouldn't have fought yesterday.

I watered my garden, did some laundry, read 2 entire novels, and was able to have some snacks because I didn't have a ton of calories alloted to beer.

So far so good!

Alcohol Chronicles, Day 1

My husband is very against pill taking. Specifically, he is very against me taking Campral. So we made a deal. If we can get through the next 4 days without drinking, I won't ask the doctor for it.

Today is day one. We have a nice relaxing day planned watching movies and doing garden stuff.

If I can't get through the next 4 days, then I really have a problem. Let's find out!

They're Back.....

The earthquakes that is. We had 4 of them yesterday, all over 3.0. The highest was a 3.9, and it really shook the house. No damage, same old story. The cats are freaked out again though, poor things.

Mother Nature hates us here.

Quakes And More Quakes

Just when you thought it was safe to sleep through the night. 3 quakes woke me up last night, the largest being a 3.8.

I just rehung all the small pictures on my walls too.

Will it slow down? Will it stop? Is the big one coming?

All this and more on next week's episode of The Earthquake Chronicles.

Reno Earthquakes

If I hear one more person say "I made it through the blah blah quake of 19blah blah, why are you scared-this is nothing" I will kick them hard. In the shin.

I've lived through the 1989 Watsonville quake, the 1987 quake that destroyed the parking structure near my home (hey, Whittier!), and the Landers/Big Bear quakes. I know our quakes are relatively small-but THEY WON'T STOP. We have had over 500 earthquakes in the past week, I'm about 2 miles from the epicenter, and it's a little unnerving to wake up 5 times a night thinking this is the big one.

They can't predict quakes, but they do "forecasts". For example, the 1989 quake fell in to the window they forecast-a 7.2 quake sometime that year, or whatever. So I am taking the prediction of a 6.0 seriously. And being so close is not good-the 4.7 flung things off of my walls and shelves.

Jesus, I need some sleep.

The Earthquake Blog

is perhaps what I should have named this! We had two 3.1 quakes 10 minutes apart last night-no one on my end of town is getting any sleep. I feel like a zombie. Somebody please do the earthquake dance, so we can get this over with!

Beach Front Property

I've lived most of my life in Southern California, and I have been in some hellacious earthquakes. Since moving to Northern Nevada I think I've felt two-that no one else even noticed. (I have superb spidey sense when it comes to quakes)

Over the last 24 hours, there have been more than 20 quakes, ranging from .8 to 4.2. Of course, we haven't felt all of them, but a few we did.

At about 1:45 this morning, while I was FINALLY getting some excellent sleep after a very sleepless week, we had another one. Not exceptionally large, but close enough to our house to where I woke up, threw the covers off the bed, screamed "Earthquake!" and was just about to run down the hall to grab my son when it stopped. Husband said "I wouldn't have even woken up if you weren't screaming."

It's like riding a bike-some things you just never forget how to do.