Wow...

Haven't been here in a while. I miss blogging-now that I have a job that actually requires me to work I have zero time. My life has changed dramatically the last few weeks-not sure if it's for the better yet, but I have a feeling everything will be ok.

I'm learning a lot-not only about myself on an emotional level, but also my ability to handle normal things in life, like paying bills, working a budget, etc...

Anyway, all is well, and today is a good day.

And so it ends....

Holy frickin cow I found a job! And I start tomorrow!

So random too-Hubbs sent me a link to a job that had been posted 3 weeks ago-not sure how I missed it, but somehow I did. Sent my resume yesterday, they called me today for an interview, and I was hired on the spot! I swear, I have never been so happy. It's such a huge weight off my shoulders, you have no idea.

Go me!!!!!

Wow.

I had an excellent weekend with my husband, and get this-there was no booze involved! I'm on medication that strictly prohibits drinking. At first I panicked-how will I ever make it through a weekend without booze? Not only did we make it, it was awesome.

We camped in the living room and had a movie marathon-a couple of Hitchcock flicks, an indie flick or two-we even watched an old Tracy-Hepburn movie that we both really enjoyed.

Done with the meds on Wednesday-just in time for my big birthday weekend! A friend of ours got us a jacuzzi suite at one of the casinos this weekend-for free! It's the best gift EVER considering I'm still unemployed. I'm calling it Boozebubblebangfest 2010!

It feels good to have something to look forward to. And catching up on sleep/Hubbs time this past weekend has done wonders for my depression. I actually feel human today!

So blog, we meet again...

I'm sure all 1 of my readers can tell I'm just not into this anymore. I'm not sure why-this used to be my go to place to empty my head and feel better. Now, with the way I've been feeling, it seems too....real. Like, if I write down what I'm feeling that will make it real and I will have to deal with it.

So who knows. I may keep it up, I may just take a big break, I may totally quit. Time will tell. But, to all 1 of you, thank you for reading. With any luck I'll find my random voice again and be able to empty my head as needed.

Easy to please.

I'm just starting to feel the fog of my depression lifting. Of course, it's not a permanent cure, but knowing I'm about a week away from seeking help has really lifted a huge weight of my shoulders. I don't have to feel this way for the rest of my life-help is on the way!

I credit feeling better to three things.

1. Lunch date with Hubbs Friday. 1/2 day at work, out for a nice lunch, then family movie night. Sounds like a perfect day.

2. Therapy appointment next Thursday, then getting my hair done afterward. Again, a half day at work-I didn't think I would want to come back after spilling my guts and crying like a girl. A new hair style, on the other hand, will be just what the doctor ordered. (HA! See what I did there?)

3. Pizza party February 7th. I entered a contest and won a pretty cool party pack (Thanks DiGiorno!)of free pizzas, coupons for my guests, a new pizza cutter, etc...
At first I wanted to invite a bunch of people, then I realized that the people that are coming are important to me, and that makes it perfect. Besides, as we all know, crowds freak me out-even in my own home.

It really is important to have things to look forward to. Sometimes, that's all you have.

Monday

Mondays suck, they really do. I am TIRED.

Trying to have a new attitude this week. Sick of having hurt feelings, sick of trying to fix things I can't control.

And while I really hate this saying, it's true-it is what it is. I can't change the past, I can only choose to live my life in a positive way now.

So that's what I'm doing.

Am I proud of me? Yes. Do my husband and son love me? Yes.

2 out of 3 ain't bad at all.

Help is on the way!

I made an appointment with a psychologist, oh yes I did. It's time to once and for all fix the bullshit in my head.

I think I'm doing well, and then one little thing will happen and I'm trapped in misery and despair.

No more. I refuse to do it anymore. It's time to learn new ways of thinking, acting, and reacting.

No longer will I let myself or anyone else beat me up for my mistakes.

So there.

Now all I have to do is make it through these next 2 weeks.

So...

I'm not doing so well over here. I've been having panic attacks, I'm filled with anxiety, and everything I touch right now just seems to turn to shit.

But, good news, our insurance has changed, and as long as I see someone in network it's only a $25 co-pay. So today I will be making an appointment with some sort of mental health professional, we'll see where it ends up.

It's shocking to me that no matter how far I have come in my life, these stupid little things can set me back so far. I'd like to put a stop to that.

I am a non-smoker.

Day two so far-yesterday was pretty easy because I had a slight hangover, and today has been because, well, smoking is stupid.

Every time I think I want a cigarette I just tell myself that the craving is poison leaving my body, and it won't last forever.

I also tell myself "Thank GOD I don't have to give in to that feeling! Poor smokers-I'm no longer a slave to nicotine!"

I also had 20 minutes to spare this morning-I may be able to sleep in a little later if I want. So many benefits!

The only negative, and I remember this from last time, is my face feels swollen and weird. But that goes away after a couple of days. I'm really looking forward to no longer having a burnt tongue too-food is going to start tasting better than ever! (Just what I need, Ms. Gained8holidaypounds!)

I'm a non-smoker!

Me

Thanks Hay, you know me well!

What is beauty?

And how sad is it that so much of our (well, my) self esteem is directly related to how we look?

You see a woman. She's all made up, her hair looks great-she's beautiful!

Now take the same woman, without makeup. She has an uneven skin tone, circles under her eyes, and her eyes no longer stand out. She is no longer the "beautiful" woman you just saw.

Is she still beautiful? Is beauty only cosmetics? Can anyone be beautiful with the right amount of make-up?

Think of your reaction to seeing certain celebrities without make-up. I know I've been shocked at the differences between their made up faces and their natural ones.

This week has been very strange for me. I'm shocked at how unattractive I feel with a swollen eye and less than my usual make-up. I generally feel attractive, and yes, sometimes even beautiful.

I'm the same me! Why do I feel like I'm about to be chased by villagers with pitchforks and flames? It's ridiculous!

I think I'm just not comfortable without my "mask" on. I feel vulnerable, like everyone is going to judge me and my 41 year old skin. Stupid.

This week has really left me questioning what beauty really is, and if it is more attitude and self confidence.

Wow.

As much as I love Thanksgiving, I'm REALLY glad it's over. It was such a whirlwind of activity, I hardly took any pictures, and I feel like I didn't really get anything done over that entire 4 day weekend.

Dinner was delicious, I get better at making this meal every year. I even made homemade gravy for the first time, and it wasn't bad at all. The dishes the guys made were awesome as well-and it was really nice having a bit of help.

Now I feel like I need to focus on, basically, getting my shit together. I ate, drank, and smoked WAY more than I had planned to (self control? what self control?) and I am still suffering the effects of a massive carb overload. I know it's not good to try to quit too many things at once, but the drinking and smoking really need to get handled. I'm back to not drinking on week nights, which naturally cuts my smoking in half. I'll get that down for a week or two than it's time to get serious about cigarettes. I hate them-they smell, they're gross, and they are killing me. Plus they're expensive-smoking really doesn't make any sense.

Anyhow, my holiday was wonderful, as I hope it was for everyone. Time to get back on track.

And this is why I love him

Me: I'm sorry I'm so spazzy and can't focus on one thing

Hubbs: You know, I love the way you get so excited over things-it's like you're 12 years old inside-so I can't really get mad when that carries over to things I'd rather not see you get so spazzy about. It's a trade off, and it's worth it to see you so happy.

You know you've turned your life around.....

When the thing you're looking forward to the most on your birthday is eating a hamburger. ON A BUN.

You know, as opposed to all the drugs you USED to do to celebrate.

Anyway, Happy Birthday to me!

The guys are making dinner tonight, and Saturday we're going to.....Dairy Queen! I have a hankering for a chocolate/vanilla swirl cone. Living large!

All kidding aside, I'm pretty damn happy to be where I'm at at 41. My life is so completely different than it was even 10 years ago. I'm older, wiser, and-yes, I'm going to say it-better looking. I've never been healthier or happier than I am right now.

I love my 40's!

Wow.

Either my age is catching up with me or last weekend took more out of me than I thought.

I am EXHAUSTED. Physically exhausted. My arms feel heavy, I'm cold, slightly bitchy, and just in need of a nap. I've been in bed by 8:30 last two nights in a row and it's still not enough.

I'm run down. I miss my family. I need to work out. I have no idea what I'm making for dinner tomorrow night. I need alone time with my husband.

Friday can not come fast enough.

He just gets me

Me: "I love you so much I want to punch you in the face as hard as I can"

Hubbs: "I love you too baby"

So excited!

Here is my dream life-

Working for the battered women's shelter, or the suicide helpline, or as a psych tech in the children's ward-anything to give back the help I've received in my life. (really super uber dream come true? Psychologist)

The problem is, even after 2-4 years of schooling, I'd start out making less than what I'm making now.

So I'm stuck in the weird position of wanting to help, but not being able to quit my job, go back to school , etc.. (Mortgage, braces, medical bills, oh my!)

We stopped by our local grocery store tonight, and our favorite checker said-

"I'm so glad you guys came in! This is my last night, I have a new job-volunteer coordinator for the crisis call line! It's what I went to school for!"

I congratulated her, and told her-"I'm jealous. That is a dream come true job for me, but I can't afford to quit my job and go back to school."

Her response-"Volunteer!"

Duh!

So, I'm signing up to go through the 74 hours of training required to be a crisis call center volunteer. Not only will I be able to help others, but I can keep my job. What's one night a week?

You need to find the things that make life worthwhile and more fulfilling wherever you can. And at the ripe old age of 40, I think I can help. I WANT to help.

I have the blessing of my family-most important. And I'll be giving back the things I have learned/lived through.

I can't wait!

Where am I?

I realized this morning that even though life feels so hectic right now, and I haven't spent the time with Hubbs that I've wanted to-I'm actually pretty happy right now.

Of course, there are things I would change if I could-but deep inside, I'm good.

Happy girl!

Oh, Life

Life is suddenly very busy-and going by so quickly. I swear, having Youngest away all Summer has made me lose my parenting skills. What do I make for dinner? Do I need to do laundry? Is there breakfast food in the house?

And of course, in between working out, running whatever errands I need to run, and cooking dinner, I feel like I have no Hubbs time. I know it's all just a matter of finding my routine again, but I'm a little overwhelmed with it all right now.

That and the fact that I'm feeling less than stellar is really making me want to just stay in bed for a day to get my head right.

Oh Hubbs

I seriously could not live without my husband. I had some weird moments yesterday-mostly due to drinking too much the night before-where I felt weepy, and dumb, and second guessed my every move from the day before.

Hubbs just pulled me on to his lap, rubbed my head, and said all the right things. I really do not know what I would do without that man. He's my perfect balance, he keeps me sane, safe, and happy.

I love you baby.