Wednesday, April 23, 2008

My Mom

I miss my mother. The year anniversary of her death is coming up, and I'm obsessed with all the things I did wrong prior to her dying. We had hospice workers, and I was her evening (after work) and weekend care. But I still feel like I should have done more.

On weekends, I had a lady come in for about 2 hours so I could run home, have dinner with my family, then run back to mom's until my step-dad got off work at midnight. On what I believe was her last day (I think I have blocked it out because it was so traumatic, but I'm pretty sure it was her last day) as I was leaving to go cook dinner she said "I don't want you to go". She was pretty hard to understand at this point, and I thought she said "I want you to go home." I was shocked, "Why do you want me to go home?"She said "No, stay." I said "Mom, I have to cook dinner, I'll be back in an hour, I promise. " Which I was. But she was never really coherent again. So that's the last time I spoke to my mother. I'm really hoping time will clear my head, and I will realize "Wait a minute, that wasn't the last day, THIS was." But I don't think it's going to happen.
On the plus (?) side, I did have the opportunity to tell her that I liked who I was today, and even though she made mistakes she must have done something right. Because I made it. And I'm okay.