Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Welcome to my world....

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Over it

I'm 10 pounds lighter than I was this time last year, but 6 pounds heavier than my lowest. I guess it's some progress, but it doesn't feel like it. Those 6 pounds have left me feeling flabby and gross. Back to calorie and carb counting-and my awesome workout schedule. I've actually missed the weight lifting, it's just going to be hard to get back on track.

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I don't know why I'm hell bent on killing myself with cigarettes, alcohol, and foods that are setting my acid reflux into overdrive. But I'm over it, I really am. Tired of feeling like shit.

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I'm sick of having to schedule my life based on my fear of crowds. For example, I can't just jump in my car and go to the mall. I have to set my alarm to make sure I'm there as soon as they open in order to avoid the crowds. Even if I'm in a group of people I know I get all shaky and weird. I hate it. I'm sure there's some kind of immersion therapy or whatever they call it when they force you to face your fears in order to get over them, but who can afford that shit.

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Just writing that last paragraph made my hands start to shake. Freak.

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And on that note, Hubbs and I are off to the DMV. Woo. Hoo.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Oh Christmas

Is feeling melancholy and sad always going to go hand in hand with Christmas or will those feelings fade?

My first thought when I woke up was-"I need to call my mom!"

Sadness.

My brother and his family came over, that was nice. We had some food, drank some beer, played a few games. I actually had a really good time.

Didn't hear from Oldest-not sure what to think about that. Hurt mainly.

Spent Saturday driving around with all the other crazy people in town trying to hit the sales-it actually wasn't too bad, we were in and out of Best Buy with surprising speed.

Took Youngest to spend some of his Christmas money, then finally did a little something for myself and bought new clothes. I actually really needed a moment to think of me.

All in all, I'm glad Christmas is over.

Now to get all this happy crappy Christmas shit out of the house.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Skeered...

This is the scariest movie I have ever seen....

Jesus Camp

And on the flip side-

http://godisimaginary.com/

Can you pick a side? Can you pick an intelligent side?

Finally!

I swear I've been looking forward to this day for a long time! It's my last day at work-then 5 days off, 2 on, and 5 more off.

I need this break! I worked my ass off all weekend, and I've overloaded on cookies, which has just left me feeling exhausted.

I only have a few more gifts to buy which I will do tomorrow, then I am officially DONE.

Can't wait!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Youngest

Back story-Youngest's "real" dad has been in and out of prison since I was 3 months pregnant. He's an addict, and has randomly been in and out of Y's life the last several years. We received a letter from him this week after not hearing from him for at least a year-he's in rehab.

I got a phone call today from the vice-principal of Y's school-

"There's been an incident-Y was pushed down-he's not hurt, but I want you to know what led to this."

What led to it is this-Y gets bullied at school-he is not an average boy, he's an artsy-fartsy kind of guy-not into sports, all the girls love him, etc...

He started, about 3 weeks ago, telling another boy in his chorus class that he is stupid, and can't sing.

The boy finally snapped today, knocked Y to the ground, and told him "Quit talking shit or I'm going to kick your ass."

I have raised my child better than that. We DO NOT bully-and whatever you are going through, let's talk about it-don't take it out on someone else.

I knew when we received the letter from his "dad" that this was going to be a bad week. It sucks-I'm torn between protecting him and not letting him see the letter, or being honest and telling him "Hey dude, we got a letter from your dad."

Apparently, the principal interviewed a few disinterested third parties, decided that this has in fact been going on for 3 weeks, and had both boys in his office.

Y at first said he couldn't remember if he had been talking smack, then kind of admitted it-and apologized to the boy.

When I spoke with Y after school, I said "You do realize you're in trouble, right?"

"Why? I didn't do anything! The principal also talked to kids who said I was innocent!"

What's a parent to do? I want to believe my son, but come on -you confessed-AND apologized!

When I got home, I told him this-

"We're going to have this conversation based on the assumption that you did what you were accused of. Number 1-are you being bullied at school?"

"Yes."

"Ok, so you know how it feels. You are are not, under any circumstances, allowed to do that to another child. I know it's not cool to tell or whatever, but if you are having problems at school you have to talk about it. If you don't want me to do anything about it, that's fine, but at the very least you have to VENT."

"Number 2-you are NEVER allowed to confess to something you didn't do (He claimed he confessed and apologized just to shut the principal up). I always have your back, and if you are innocent, I will fight to the death for you. But how can I do that when you confess?"

"Ok"

Then he broke down, and cried and cried. I told him to tell me what he's going through right now, and it led back to his dad.

My theory is this-he was probably messing with that boy, because he's getting bullied and it trickles down, and god knows what happened today-he mouthed off and the other kid snapped. I can relate to the other kid-I remember very well the same shit happening to me in 7th grade, and I finally snapped and beat the girl down. But it's not acceptable.

I think the letter from his dad just set him off. He told me the day after he received it "Everything was fine, then he had to write again."

I asked him to write a letter to his dad, and tell him the things that were bothering him-he's a grown man, he needs to know what pain his behavior causes.

I'm also going to write to him and tell him this is it-if you go off the deep end again, I will just throw away every letter you send. Then Y can make his own decisions regarding dad when he's 18.

There is nothing worse than seeing your children in pain, there really isn't.

Friday Funny

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

DAMN

My fucking head hurts!

Made it through the work week without drinking-pretty proud of that-until last night. Hubbs has a half day, Friday's are always easy, so what the hell.

Totally regretting that decision right now. There is a reason we decided not to drink on work nights, and this is it!

FUCK.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

WORD.



Click to enlarge.

via Bitsandpieces

And this is when I get in trouble.....

After so many days not drinking, my energy level skyrockets, I have trouble focusing on one thing, and I feel like an all around spaz.

This is the point in the week where I decide to drink again, not sure why.

"I feel great! Let's get drunk and fuck it up!"

I believe I can beat that feeling tonight. I will beat that feeling tonight.

Focus, Lula.....

Monday, December 14, 2009

Monday

It is bite ass cold and foggy as hell.

There's your weather report.

Sober week is back on, however-I have noticed if I talk about something too much it turns out to be harder to deal with. I'll post my failures and my little moments of win, but in general this is going to be just like every other week.

Well, except that I won't be drunk half the time.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Sober week, day 5

Due to inclement weather and lack of interest, sober week has been canceled.

Sober week will resume Sunday, December 13th, 2009.

Thank you for your patience.


Seriously, I haven't even tried this week. It's like I set myself up to piss myself off.

Dumbass. Do I want this bad enough to actually put any effort into it?

Something to think about.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Random BS

The invention of the internet, texting, and all the various social media sites are a freaking dream come true for someone like me. There is no social anxiety in typing!

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I think January 1st I'm going to go back to keeping track of all the books I've read-that includes reviewing them, good or bad. I'm not sure why I stopped-though part of it is I feel like I haven't read a decent book in a long ass time.

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It was -3 degrees when I got up this morning. I am a miserable, cold, bitchy Lula.

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Lately I have been feeling like I've lost my voice. I have nothing to say, and what I do have to say isn't important. Then I remembered that the point of this blog is to empty my damn head of thoughts that are taking up space-both the important ones and the random ones. It seems to really help me, and I'm not sure why I gave that up either. I plan to rectify that. I don't like feeling lost inside myself, and I feel that's where I'm heading. So, on-line diary, prepare yourself. The emptying is about to resume.

Sober week, day 4

Again, last night.

Well, sober week should actually be re-named "Learn a little something about yourself, Lula" week.

Yes, I drank last night. But, maybe it wasn't in vain if I take away the lesson I think I learned-it's all about habits.

I'm in the habit of drinking a few beers while Hubbs and I prepare food for the rest of the week on Tuesday nights. So to break that habit, I will be buying a variety of teas this weekend. Replace the beer with a nice relaxing herbal tea, and voila! Problem solved!

Not that it will be that easy, but it's definitely worth a try.

I'm kind of pissed that sober week is turning out to be harder than I thought, but again, if I can take away a few lessons and a greater resolve for next week then it will be worth it.

If, next week, I'm writing this exact same shit-then I'll be really pissed.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Sober week, day 3

Which was actually last night, but I'm lazy.....

The good news is, I have identified a trigger-getting off of work early! After all the snow and dangerous roads Hubbs picked me up about 2, and my brain was like "Woo hoo! Party time! Let's drink and play in the snow and wrap gifts!"

I did have 2 cups of hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps-love that stuff. But not enough to even feel it-does that count as cheating?

The bad news is, after those 2 cups I wanted more-beer beer beer! But I didn't-I took half of a xanax and just went about my business-went to bed early, and woke up very glad that I was able to fight the temptation (with Hubbs' help).

Baby steps....

Monday, December 7, 2009

Snow!

We woke up to about 6 inches of snow this morning-and it is still coming down.















Damn I wish adults got snow days!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Sober week, day 2

Today was easy-Sundays are family day, and we never drink on Sundays anyway.

I feel good-we moved the weight bench in the house, so we got a nice WARM workout in, and I have a pretty positive attitude about this week. Strange-I'm actually looking forward to sober week!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Sober week, day 1

Epic fail!!!

Well, epic is too strong of a word. But I did fail. My plan was to drink last night, then not again until next Friday. But there is something about decorating a Christmas tree that just calls for peppermint schnapps and hot chocolate. Then we went Christmas shopping, which requires at least 2 beers.

I do realize that my brain is just making excuses (Wal-Mart sober? No WAY!) and to be honest, I didn't really try very hard today. But on the other hand, it is Saturday. So I'm not beating myself up too much. The true test will be getting through the work week sober.

I can do this. I just need to remember that alcohol is NOT the most important thing.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Thursday, December 3, 2009

So, drinking.

I had sort of a......mini-snap the other night. Well, that's not exactly the right word. I don't know what to call it. But I do know this-I am so very lucky to have my husband by my side.

I am seriously sick of drinking. I'm sick of blurry weekends, I'm sick of spending the money, I'm sick of waking up on weekend mornings wondering what the hell I did the night before-"quick, check the internet! Did I embarrass myself?"

I don't think I made myself clear before, but I really put some effort into telling Hubbs how I felt. And how I feel is, if I don't get a grip on this I will check myself in to rehab. I just need to break this cycle.

Now, I have no desire or intention on quitting drinking. What I want is to drink like a normal person. Like special occasions, or when we have company. But this getting blasted just for the sake of getting blasted has got to stop.

I poured my heart out to Hubbs, and he said "I didn't realize you felt this strongly. I will fix it."

And you know what? I have the utmost faith that we will fix this together.

I may turn out to be one of those people who can never drink again, period. Or, I may turn out to be someone who can drink like a normal person. Time will tell I suppose.

Now, that being said, I am looking forward to both having a couple of beers Friday night with Hubbs, and then not drinking at all on Saturday. That will be a good start to a sober week.

Part of my freak out is the fact that last year over Christmas break, when we had like 10 days off, I spent the majority of it drunk. So not only did I gain 12 pounds between Thanksgiving and New Years of last year, I felt like an ass. A terrible wife, a terrible mother, etc...

This year, with all that time off, I would like to do more family activities-we have some plans for building shelves and stuff, and we bought Pictionary Man-LOVE that game. But no way in hell do I want to go back down the 10 day crazy path.

So, here I go again....

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Wow.

As much as I love Thanksgiving, I'm REALLY glad it's over. It was such a whirlwind of activity, I hardly took any pictures, and I feel like I didn't really get anything done over that entire 4 day weekend.

Dinner was delicious, I get better at making this meal every year. I even made homemade gravy for the first time, and it wasn't bad at all. The dishes the guys made were awesome as well-and it was really nice having a bit of help.

Now I feel like I need to focus on, basically, getting my shit together. I ate, drank, and smoked WAY more than I had planned to (self control? what self control?) and I am still suffering the effects of a massive carb overload. I know it's not good to try to quit too many things at once, but the drinking and smoking really need to get handled. I'm back to not drinking on week nights, which naturally cuts my smoking in half. I'll get that down for a week or two than it's time to get serious about cigarettes. I hate them-they smell, they're gross, and they are killing me. Plus they're expensive-smoking really doesn't make any sense.

Anyhow, my holiday was wonderful, as I hope it was for everyone. Time to get back on track.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

And this is why I love him

Me: I'm sorry I'm so spazzy and can't focus on one thing

Hubbs: You know, I love the way you get so excited over things-it's like you're 12 years old inside-so I can't really get mad when that carries over to things I'd rather not see you get so spazzy about. It's a trade off, and it's worth it to see you so happy.

My favorite holiday

I love love LOVE Thanksgiving! It is truly my favorite time of year. I spend most of the week feeling overwhelmed and panicking about my cooking schedule, but I really love it. I love preparing a huge meal for my family, I love listening to oldies all day, and I love just hanging out and enjoying the day with my guys.

We have no guests coming this year, but I have enlisted the guys to help with the cooking. Hubbs will be tackling the bacon wrapped jalapenos, and Youngest will be making the pies. Of course, there will be LOADS of pictures documenting all of this.

I can't WAIT!

Monday, November 23, 2009

Book Review

The Professional by Robert B. Parker

1.When did he start throwing in random French phrases that I have to look up on the internet?

2.He finds a new word/phrase, then uses it several times. I know I read the phrase "soapstone sink" at least twice. Also applies to the random french. Struck me as weird.

3.He totally “borrowed” the subplot from “Of Mice and Men”. I don't know if that's good or bad, it just shocked me for some reason. NO ONE can do Steinbeck except Steinbeck.

I do believe my love affair with Robert B. Parker has officially ended. We had a good run though!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Book Title Meme

I stumbled on this via mentalfloss.com, and thought I'd give it a try-

What To Do: Using only books you have read this year (2009), answer these questions. Try not to repeat a book title. It’s a lot harder than you think!

Describe yourself: Scar Tissue

How do you feel: Time Of My Life

Describe where you currently live: When the White House was Ours

If you could go anywhere, where would you go? Requiem, Mass.

Your favorite form of transportation: A Crooked Path

Your best friend is: The Story of a Marriage

You and your friends are: Savage Girls and Wild Boys

What’s the weather like: Prayers for Rain

You fear: Dark Places

What is the best advice you have to give: Don't Sleep, There are Snakes

Thought for the day: Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim

How I would like to die: Hit and Run

My soul’s present condition: Fine Just The Way It Is

link via mentalfloss.com

Friday, November 13, 2009

Monday, November 9, 2009

And what did I learn?

I quit my training as a Crisis Call Center volunteer. The world, to me, is a very scary, very painful place. I have been through so much pain in my life-choosing to listen to it firsthand for 4 hours a week is just to much for me to handle. I had a listening shift yesterday, and I've been basically crying ever since.

So what did I learn? That sometimes strength is in knowing what you can and can't handle.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Thursday, November 5, 2009

You know you've turned your life around.....

When the thing you're looking forward to the most on your birthday is eating a hamburger. ON A BUN.

You know, as opposed to all the drugs you USED to do to celebrate.

Anyway, Happy Birthday to me!

The guys are making dinner tonight, and Saturday we're going to.....Dairy Queen! I have a hankering for a chocolate/vanilla swirl cone. Living large!

All kidding aside, I'm pretty damn happy to be where I'm at at 41. My life is so completely different than it was even 10 years ago. I'm older, wiser, and-yes, I'm going to say it-better looking. I've never been healthier or happier than I am right now.

I love my 40's!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Dear Online Diary......

I'm sorry you've been so neglected lately! I've been so busy lately I'm actually having quite a bit of trouble just keeping up.

I have 7 more classes to finish this month for the Crisis Center-things should at least feel a bit more calm after that. This class every Wednesday night is kicking my ass.

Of course we still have my birthday, Thanksgiving, another holiday party, Christmas, and my wedding anniversary to go. I am SO looking forward to January!

Things have been going well, though I'm still a little concerned that I may have taken on more than I can handle with this call center. I live in a self imposed protective bubble-I don't watch the news, I don't read the paper, and I generally do a pretty good job of insulating myself from the horrors of the world. The classes are enough to send me into a downward spiral, how am I going to feel actually dealing with a woman who has just been beaten? I know I have to focus on the fact that I'm helping people, but I'm still pretty skeptical.

On that note, Sunday is my first "listening shift"-basically just hanging out and listening to the other volunteers for 4 hours. I think that will give me a good indication of if I can do this or not. And for that reason, we have moved family movie day from Sunday to Saturday this week. I need my family time, and I don't really want to just hang out and drink like I do most Saturdays.

Anyway, things are going well, I'm totally overwhelmed, and you, dear diary, are not the only thing that has been neglected lately. You should see my house.

More later.

Lula

P.S. This new plan of eating low carb/primal? Best choice I've ever made. I hit 132 pounds the other day-and bought a new pair of size 5 jeans! Pretty damn proud of that. Now it's all about the strength training.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Danger ahead!

I am in a dangerous place right now. I feel so totally, completely overwhelmed with my life. There is so much going on, in between home, work functions, this damn class every Wednesday night, company on the weekends, etc etc. I'm about ready to just quit. I want to drop out of every single commitment I have made.

I guess I'll give it a week or so. But something has got to give. I'm not right.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Friday, October 16, 2009

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Wow.

Either my age is catching up with me or last weekend took more out of me than I thought.

I am EXHAUSTED. Physically exhausted. My arms feel heavy, I'm cold, slightly bitchy, and just in need of a nap. I've been in bed by 8:30 last two nights in a row and it's still not enough.

I'm run down. I miss my family. I need to work out. I have no idea what I'm making for dinner tomorrow night. I need alone time with my husband.

Friday can not come fast enough.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

I did it!

I am now a certified suicide interventionist!

Class today was hard-we had to role play and play both parts-the person in crisis and the interventionist. It was hard for me to play the person in crisis-it brought up a ton of old feelings. But it was even harder to play the care giver. It felt like there was so much pressure to say the exact right thing to get the person out of their crisis. But I learned so much, and I feel very confident in not only my ability to help someone, but in my fellow care givers to help me help the person in crisis.

And I'm certified! I'm actually really proud of myself. Not only did I handle the material and the scenarios that were thrown at me, I handled them well.

I think the most important thing I learned this weekend was the fact that dealing with these calls is emotionally draining, and not only is it ok to cry, it's ok to tell your fellow care givers that hey-that call was hard on me, can we talk about it?

And my training gives me the skills required to save a life. I can save someones life. I can recognize the cries for help and I know what to do to bring the person back to the here and now, and help them help themselves.

I'm so proud!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Drained....

I had a 9 hour class today on suicide intervention and I must say-it kicked my ass.

Suicide has been a very common theme in my life-I had a cousin who killed himself in my driveway when I was little, I lost my father to suicide, my mother attempted it in front of me, and of course I've had my own attempts. This class today brought up a lot of memories and feelings-it was incredibly draining. I told the instructor half way through that I was totally overwhelmed, and she said that's to be expected. Which made me feel better, knowing it's a common feeling-but for a minute there I was doubting my ability to put my own experiences aside to be able to help someone.

By the end of the class I realized that while I was still feeling overwhelmed, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I could see how my experiences would be able to help someone in need.

I have another 9 hour class tomorrow-let's see if I still feel the same way.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Monday, October 5, 2009

Fear sets in in 3....2........

My crisis call center training begins Wednesday, with three more classes following on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. So not only will I not have a day off for another 12 days, I have to actually face my fears and GO to the classes. I do know 2 people so far, the ladies running the class, and it's my understanding that the classes are small this season-6 or so people. But still, I'm starting to get a bit panicky. I don't want to be panicked to the point of having to take a Xanax, because that will interfere with my ability to pay attention and retain anything they try to teach me. If I can just get through Wednesday, I'm sure I'll be fine. Right?

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Progress!

We took our measurements this morning, and not only did I drop a few more pounds (133.5!) but I've lost another inch off my waist and hips. It seems to be a very slow process, but what I'm doing is working. Pretty proud of that.

Funniest. Shit. Ever.

Trust me-click here.

I'm thinking angel dust? You be the judge.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Refresher course

Dear Hubbs,

I don’t know if I’ve ever thanked you, but I would like to do it now. In retrospect, I should have done it long ago. I actually should do it every day, but the world swallows me whole sometimes and I just can’t keep up.

Thank you for standing by me after you learned all my horrible, deep dark secrets. A lesser man would have run for the hills. A saner man would have run for the hills. You were able to see that even though I made a mistake or 10,000, I really was someone worth holding on to.

Thank you for standing by me when my mother was dying. I was completely bat shit insane during that time, and I probably would have gone off the deep end if it wasn’t for you. I’m generally never more than 2 steps away from falling, and during that time insanity was 1 very short step away. You held me back. You are my fence.

Thank you for still loving me when I was 35 pounds overweight and refused to wear pants. I thought if I didn’t buy pants in “that size”, it would help motivate me. That took almost a year. But as someone with an eating disorder hospitalization in her past and an incredibly skewed body image in her present, you being kind and loving (as opposed to calling me a pig or oinking when I walked by) was my saving grace. You could have crushed me, but you did not.

Thank you for understanding that sometimes going to Wal-Mart (or anywhere in public) will give me a panic attack. There is no rhyme or reason to these attacks, just the feeling that everyone is staring and thinking derogatory things. Thank you for not laughing. (it really is absurd)

Thank you for never telling me to “get over it”, whatever “it” may be. My “it’s” are generally not the “get over it” type. Mine usually involve therapy, psych meds, and refusing to clean the house for 3 months. I’m really glad you push me when I need it, and baby me when I don’t.

Thank you for not leaving when I was hurting myself and wanted to be committed. That was a very hard time for me, and you never once pointed out that I brought it on myself. Thank you.

Thank you for eating cooked carrots and brussel sprouts. I know you don’t like either one, but I do, so you tolerate them so I can have them too. If there is ever anything you want me to make you for dinner, no matter how icky I think it is, I will. Just ask.

Thank you for your patience in the bedroom. Things that bother me today may not bother me tomorrow, and vice versa. Why this hasn’t driven you bat shit crazy, I’ll never know. But thank you for understanding.
Thank you for helping me raise my youngest child. If it wasn’t for you, I might have ended up in the same boat I am currently in with my oldest. You treat him like your own, and you’re helping to make him a man. I could never do that. Thank you.

Thank you for pushing me to make friends. You know how hard it is for me, and you don’t want to see me let the good ones go. You help me a lot when you tell me “Call her” or “Go to lunch”. Thanks.

I could sit for hours detailing the many ways you have helped me, and the many, many reasons why you deserve much more than I’ll ever be able to give you. You have helped make me so much better than I was, and I get stronger every day I’m with you. I couldn’t have done all this without you, and I will love you forever.

Friday Funny

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Well done.

Things you might not know about schizophrenia, in comic book form. There but for the grace of God go any of us.

Quite a few of us go there, actually.

link via mentalfloss.com

Shit.

I hate it when I flip for really no apparent reason. Yesterday not only was I bitchy and mean, I ate every single thing that was put in front of me, good for me or not. Mostly not.

So now I'm left wondering what the hell just happened. I've been doing so well lately.

Here's what I think.

1. My little sneaking bits of carbs and sugar are messing with my moods. I swear, it seems like the more I binge, the more my moods go haywire. So, that's easily fixed. I really expected to gain like 3 pounds after yesterday-you know it's bad when you're too embarrassed to tell your husband what you ate. But I didn't, I actually dropped. I feel like I dodged a bullet with that one, so my resolve is much stronger today.

2. When interviewing for the Crisis Call Center, they asked if I had overcome my various "issues". Apparently the training is very intensive and brings up a lot of painful emotions. "Of course! My mental health is stellar! I'll be fine!" Which is for the most part true, but now I'm wondering if I'm doing a little "checking out", mentally preparing myself for the floodgates to open here in a week. That is actually one of the worse things I do-isolate, get wrapped up in myself, and totally lose the ability to communicate.

I guess time will tell with both issues. But I feel I have at least identified what could be wrong, (and being aware is the first step blah blah blah) because really those are the only two things that have changed.

Well, that and the fact that one of the diamonds fell out of my wedding ring yesterday. That REALLY pissed me off-especially since I will never buy (or receive) another diamond again. Makes fixing it a little difficult.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

What. The. Frick.

Irritable? Check

Emotional to the point of tears? Check

Argumentative? Check

Carb binge? Check-no "good" carbs for me either, no way.

Sugar binge? Check

I have no idea what the frick is going on with me.

Friday, September 25, 2009

I'm in!

I just got back from my interview at the Crisis Call Center-and I'm in!

The interview was very intense-tears were shed, hugs were dispensed-and at the end of it she said "Ok, see you October 7th for training."

I was shocked-"I'm in?"

"Yes, see you then!"

She also said that I have overcome so much, and that I have a lot be proud of. That made me feel good-it's nice hearing it from other people every now and again.

The training is going to be a little intense, especially the first week. But I'm really looking forward to this new adventure.

Go me!

Friday Funny

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Shocked, shocked I tells ya!

Since starting on this weight loss/healthy living journey, my goals have changed many times. My weight loss goals have changed, the type of food I want to eat has changed, my workouts have changed, etc..

I was a firm believer in calories in/calories out. I thought low carb dieting was bullshit, and I was sure that working out to various dvd's as well as doing 20 minutes of cardio a day would get me the results I wanted.

Granted, I did lose the initial 20 pounds that way, but my body still didn't look like I wanted it to, and I still, after all this time, could never hit the magical weight of 135 pounds. I was "skinny fat"-thin but not toned. I was somewhat in shape, but I was not strong.

Today, after following my new plan for about 1-2 months, I hit 135.5. I could not believe my eyes!

I've been following the advice of Mark, from Mark's Daily Apple. I had been a reader of his site for a very long time, but I didn't quite believe the majority of his advice. Eliminate processed foods? No problem. But cut out my cardio? Give up my low cal bread and wraps? No WAY!

I finally decided to jump into it once I realized I was truly getting no where.

Now, I spend FAR less time working out, I basically eat whatever I want (avoiding grains and high carb fruits)and I've never been happier!

I do still have the occasional sandwich, and of course beer (and candy!) but I do follow the 80/20 rule (eat right 80% of the time, 20% can be cheating). And I don't only do it for weight loss-once I learned the effect sugar and grains have on your body it was kind of easy to quit.

I am still battling beer and candy-but overall I am 99% better than I was a year ago. I'm stronger, healthier, and I have never looked better!

For more information on Mark and his Primal Blueprint, click here.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Moving Forward

So not drinking over the weekend? FAIL. But I don't feel too badly about it. My weight is lower than it was last Monday, I spent quality time with my husband, my kid, and my girlfriend, and nothing terrible happened. So there ya go.

Friday I have an appointment at the Crisis Call Center to interview for the volunteer position. I am very nervous for a variety of reasons-what keeps running through my brain the most is the fact that I can't even read the news without crying, will I really be able to keep it together and help someone in a crisis? I guess there's only one way to find out. I'm hoping that helping others will not only get me out of my own damn head for a minute, but will maybe help give me the tools so the world just doesn't hurt me so much.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Book Review

The Mystic Arts of Erasing All Signs of Death by Charlie Huston.

I LOVED this book! Web is an unlikely hero(not only does he do crime scene clean up, but he's kind of a dick)-a traumatic event has led him down a path of complete assholery-but he redeems himself by getting the bad guys and saving the girl. And discovering a few things about himself in the process.

Read it!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Book Review

My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One Night Stands by Chelsea Handler.

There have been a lot of reviews of this book calling it hilarious-she is rather funny on her show after all-but not once did I even laugh, let alone "laugh out loud" or "laugh my hiney off". All I could think for the majority of the book was "Please tell me they used a condom"

Good for her for embracing her totally shallow life-but hilarious it was not.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Here we go again

Blah blah blah low carb blah blah blah off the wagon blah blah blah quit drinking for 2 weeks.

I'm pretty sure I've said all this before, but we're trying the no drinking thing again-weekends included. Just for two weeks, but I'm really curious to see if alcohol makes that much difference in the way my body looks. I still have some stubborn belly fat that doesn't seem to want to budge. And getting hammered every weekend, which in turn makes me blow off working out, is not helping.

Besides, I'm looking forward to a weekend that doesn't go by in a blur.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Never forget




Manuel L. "Manny" Lopez, 54, was killed September 11, 2001.

A decision was made by Mr. Lopez that day-the decision to get out of his warm bed, kiss his beautiful family good-bye, and simply do what he did-provide for his family.

10 minutes before the first plane hit the World Trade Center, Mr. Lopez had a conversation with his wife regarding an upcoming house remodeling project. Mrs. Lopez heard the news of the attack, and immediately tried to call him back, to no avail.

I like to think their last words to each other were "I love you."

He was a man who believed in the American dream-immigrating from the Philippines, he worked hard to create a better life for his family.

He had a love of electronic gadgets and designer clothes.

He had a wife and 2 children who loved him dearly.

He had a wonderful sense of humor.

"He joked a lot and he loved to go shopping," his wife added.

It was the example of hard work, done with a sense of humor, that his son remembered. "He wanted to show me a better life," his son said.

I like to think that he succeeded.

Rest in peace in Mr. Lopez. You are not forgotten.

Source-Remember: September 11, 2001 at www.legacy.com via www.ladysmaidjewels.com

To contribute to next years Project 2996, click here

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Please help

If you're reading this, chances are you have a blog of your own.

Do me a favor? Go to http://project2996.wordpress.com/what-is-2996/ and sign up. Let's pay tribute to those we lost September 11th. It won't take you long-and it will help keep the memories of those we lost alive.

Saturday, September 5, 2009

He just gets me

Me: "I love you so much I want to punch you in the face as hard as I can"

Hubbs: "I love you too baby"

Friday, September 4, 2009

Thursday, September 3, 2009

So excited!

Here is my dream life-

Working for the battered women's shelter, or the suicide helpline, or as a psych tech in the children's ward-anything to give back the help I've received in my life. (really super uber dream come true? Psychologist)

The problem is, even after 2-4 years of schooling, I'd start out making less than what I'm making now.

So I'm stuck in the weird position of wanting to help, but not being able to quit my job, go back to school , etc.. (Mortgage, braces, medical bills, oh my!)

We stopped by our local grocery store tonight, and our favorite checker said-

"I'm so glad you guys came in! This is my last night, I have a new job-volunteer coordinator for the crisis call line! It's what I went to school for!"

I congratulated her, and told her-"I'm jealous. That is a dream come true job for me, but I can't afford to quit my job and go back to school."

Her response-"Volunteer!"

Duh!

So, I'm signing up to go through the 74 hours of training required to be a crisis call center volunteer. Not only will I be able to help others, but I can keep my job. What's one night a week?

You need to find the things that make life worthwhile and more fulfilling wherever you can. And at the ripe old age of 40, I think I can help. I WANT to help.

I have the blessing of my family-most important. And I'll be giving back the things I have learned/lived through.

I can't wait!

Where am I?

I realized this morning that even though life feels so hectic right now, and I haven't spent the time with Hubbs that I've wanted to-I'm actually pretty happy right now.

Of course, there are things I would change if I could-but deep inside, I'm good.

Happy girl!

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't
think for themselves.

6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on
people's doors trying to give it away.

5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake,
hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.

4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a
second Beer.

3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie
to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are
groups to help you stop.

I know, I know....I'm a heathen......

via Spunk.org

Oh, Life

Life is suddenly very busy-and going by so quickly. I swear, having Youngest away all Summer has made me lose my parenting skills. What do I make for dinner? Do I need to do laundry? Is there breakfast food in the house?

And of course, in between working out, running whatever errands I need to run, and cooking dinner, I feel like I have no Hubbs time. I know it's all just a matter of finding my routine again, but I'm a little overwhelmed with it all right now.

That and the fact that I'm feeling less than stellar is really making me want to just stay in bed for a day to get my head right.

Book Review

The Story Sisters by Alice Hoffman.

I LOVED this book! I actually forgot how much I love Alice Hoffman. She's taken the story of three sisters (last name Story) and weaved such an incredible, beautiful tale. I cried several times at the things the girls went through-for each other and against each other. I HIGHLY recommend this book.

Book Review

Just After Sunset by Stephen King.

A collection of short stories, written by Stephen King. It's what you'd expect-there were some very good stories though.

Best book review ever, no?

Friday, August 28, 2009

Friday Funny

This is HILARIOUS-best prank call ever.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Book Review

Blackbird: A childhood lost and found by Jennifer Lauck

I hate when I do this. I hate it when someone tells me, or I read about, some horrific childhood, and I'm like "Really? That was a cake walk compared to mine."

I never say it out loud-I know each persons definition of horrific is different-but I found out about this book from a website that listed it as a great story of overcoming horrible, horrible circumstances. So I was disappointed when I read her story and it wasn't as........horrific as I had led myself to believe. Then when she was returned to her family at the age of I believe 11-I kind of lost sympathy. What had she overcome at the age of 11? The hype I read surrounding this book did not match the story inside.

That being said, it is quite the tale, though I wonder how many of those details she actually remembered, and how many were embellished for the sake of the story. Which I guess is the mark of a good story teller?

I think part of my problem with this book is my own inability to remember details, and the writer's block I have regarding my own story. I tend to write like I talk-here is what I want to say, and that's it. To embellish my own story I would be totally making things up, and that's not what I want to do.

Anyway, it's not a bad story, and it's not at all badly written.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Back to being a grown-up

Youngest comes home tomorrow, which means it's time for Hubbs and I to act like adults and get back into our routine. I'm really missing my normal routine, and my child even more, but while I'm glad he's coming home, I'm not quite ready for the honeymoon to come to an end.

I think it's important to remember how close Hubbs and I have become over the past couple of months, and make a daily effort not to lose it again.

Though I will say this-the memories of this past weekend will sustain me for a long, long time....

Friday, August 21, 2009

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I love the interwebs

So true!

Hubbs sent me this list, via CamaroZ28.com-

63 things that are oddly true.

My favorites-

9. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

22. My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

33. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

37. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

39. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Randomness

Hubbs pointed out to me last night that since I've been taking chromium, I'm much more level. So not only do I feel better, but my loved ones are noticing a difference. I am truly shocked at how much of a difference it has made. There were times when I would get so manic I couldn't even think straight. My head would be so full of so many things I would literally be frozen on my feet-unable to move because I couldn't decide what to do next. I don't even remember the last time I felt that way. And I've had NO immobilizing depression either. I'm very pleased.

*************************************************************************************

I added 10 pounds to my squat weight on Monday, and GOOD GOD am I feeling it today! If you would have asked me a year ago to even attempt a squat, bar only, I would have laughed in your face. I'm getting stronger and feeling better every day.

*************************************************************************************

On the flip side of that, I'm catching myself nit picking my body to death. In the last 2 years I've lost over 20 pounds, dropped 2 clothing sizes, and even bought a new bikini. And yet, I'm still not happy. I have such a warped body image that I can't decide if I really need to lose more weight or if it's just my crazy talking to me.

************************************************************************************

Low carb dieting-it's awesome that the weight stays off with hardly any effort. Cutting my carbs and eliminating processed food allows me to pretty much do what I want and not see a difference in the scale. Even when I splurge like we did this past weekend (3 sandwiches and a bacon cheeseburger, heaven!)the scale hardly moves. My weight is lower now than it was last Friday.

The sucky thing-we spend HOURS in the kitchen. Every night it's this huge process getting our meals ready for the next day. So last night we decided to make and pack 3 days worth of food instead of our usual 1 or 2. That means tonight we can work out, have dinner, and actually spend some time together NOT in the kitchen.

************************************************************************************

Our glorious honeymoon is about to come to an end. Youngest comes home Tuesday, so it's time to act like grown ups and be parents again. But I have to say, the past few months have been wonderful. I feel closer to my husband than I ever have.

************************************************************************************

Happy Wednesday!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Book Review

Echoes From the Dead by Johan Theorin.

The story of a woman whose son disappeared 20 years ago, and her need for closure. This novel was very dark-the author did a fantastic job of conveying the mother's grief. With a current mystery woven in to the tale, it was an excellent read.

Book Review

Nothing But a Smile by Steve Amick.

I really enjoyed this book. It's the story of a woman whose husband is off fighting in World War 2, and to help make ends meet she starts selling pin-up pictures of herself. One of her husband's buddies from the war comes to stay and gets in on the business as well.

An entertaining read-and the author really captured the morality of the era.

Read it!

Monday, August 17, 2009

Saturday

We had THE best time on our Bodie trip Saturday!

We met Wirecutter (click the link to check out his blog-your daily dash of humor!) in Bridgeport about 10:30-he thinks he was late but we really didn't notice. Gave us a chance to people watch and read for a minute-then started the trek to Bodie. It's about 15 miles from Bridgeport, CA-the last 3 are on a very bumpy dirt/gravel road. I had already been doing my happy/excited dance all morning-but once the town came into view I could barely contain myself!



That is a view of the town from the cemetery-it's the best overall view. You can see that it was actually a good sized town.

There are quite a few homes and businesses you can peek into and get a really good feeling of how people lived back then. I don't remember the exact dates, but the town started as a booming mining town around 1860 and remained occupied until the early 1930's. The state of California eventually stepped in and made it a state park in the early 1970's I believe.

I took close to 200 pictures, so I'm just going to post the ones that really touched me-otherwise this would be the longest blog post EVER.







Looking into the homes, you can imagine what life must have been like. Can you imagine being a wife and mother in 1870? Wearing those big heavy dresses, having to gather wood for your cooking, water from down at the river, all the while trying to keep your children safe from the debauchery while praying to God your husband made it home from the mine? It gives me chills, it really does.

And check this out-they used burlap to insulate their houses, poor things. It can snow up to 6 feet in Bodie-I can't even imagine what it must have been like trying to stay warm.



Hubbs and Wirecutter-look at that glassed in front porch-



No matter where we go, Hubbs can ALWAYS find an interesting car to look at-





And yes, that includes wagons-look at the axle, I'm pretty sure it's a tree branch.



The houses of prostitution and most of the bars burned in one of the fires, but the street where the ladies were located was called Maiden Lane, or Virgin Alley. So I thought I'd get a picture of my sweet innocent self next to the sign-



A shot of a gambling hall-





And check out the legs on this billiards table-thanks to Wirecutter for pointing out it was a billiards table, not a pool table. I didn't even notice!



Hubbs and I-Wirecutter knows a good spot for a photo! I love the ivy growing over the railing-



Wirecutter and I-by the way, I decided that this was the first annual Bloggers to Bodie run-it needs to be a tradition. I'm thinking next time we get a camp space for the night.




He's a really great guy-low key, no bullshit-we got along great. And his knowledge of Bodie is impressive.

It's very easy to get overwhelmed with not just the information, but the feeling of how hard life was back then. We took a cruise through the museum (which was packed with people-I actually took one step in, was about to turn around and go back out, when I realized that the guys were right behind me. I almost lost it there for a sec, but I was saved from myself at the last minute!), and saw some very interesting things-jewelry and hair combs, shoes and old maps-it was really cool.

I'd be very interested to learn more about the attitude toward death back then, and the mourning practices. Not that there was a lot of time to mourn-you couldn't take a day off from fetching water and firewood- but check this out-




That struck me as incredibly romantic.

And the hearse-why did it become uncivilized to drive through down with the casket in plain view?






We visited the cemetery last, and it got to be a bit much for me. The majority of the graves were for children-that and the fact that there were so many unmarked, I started to get quite overwhelmed.









This first picture is of a monument to Rosa May, one of the prostitutes in Bodie. I love this picture-you can really sense Wirecutters feelings for the history and hardship these people faced. And I love Hubbs' look of curiosity. The second picture is of her actual grave, several feet away. She wasn't allowed to be buried in the cemetery-God forbid she should lay next to "respectable" folks.







All in all, we had one of the best days we've had in a long time. Good friends, good food, and a day of learning, exploring and hanging out. Not only did we picnic (well, tailgate) but I splurged and had SAMMICHES! Gotta toss the diet out the window every now and again. Though I'm sure hiking around town for 4 hours burned off a ton of calories.

Thanks again to Wirecutter-he really helped bring the town alive for us. We could not ask for a better tour guide.