Friday, January 30, 2009

Really?

It's about 6:30, and I am ready for bed.

Isn't this supposed to happen when you hit... oh, I don't know, 70?

I have been incredibly slammed at work, and I've started a new workout plan. 20 minutes on the elliptical in the morning (5:30!), then 30 minutes of an awesome DVD-10 days to a better body.

It must be working, I've lost 3.5 pounds this week (140! Go me!), but my GOD, I am EXHAUSTED!

When I was doing the lower body portion of the workout last night, I saw stars like I have never seen before-it was like looking at a starry, starry night in the middle of nowhere. I don't know what's going on with me, but at some point aren't I supposed to feel completely energized and fantastic?

Happy Friday!

Friday Funny

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Speaking of....

This is how it used to look at my house-

funny pictures of cats with captions
more animals

Just kidding. But not really.

We don't drink that brand. And my cat doesn't look like that.

Poor Homeless Can Gathering Person

We put out our recycle bins this morning, and there were only 4 beer cans in them. 4. Huge change from the 18,050 we usually have!

When I drove Youngest to school, we saw a little old Hispanic lady walking down the street with 2 hugs garbage bags filled with, I assume, cans.

I actually felt bad for a minute-she lost half her income when we cut down our drinking!

Hmmmmmmmm.....

I dug up my medical records from about 5 years ago-I had a migraine that lasted 3 months, and had to have an MRI and see a neurologist. My current doctor wants to review them, and she thought it would be faster than requesting them from the original doc. Which we also did, but anyway...

I was reading through them, and apparently when I had that crazy migraine I was also seeing little silver stars. Weird, huh?

So again, maybe this is some weird migraine thing-not a full blown one, but just enough to make life a little uncomfortable.

I felt like this was good news, that this has happened to me beofre. Weird that I don't remember it, but whatever.

We shall see!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

What. The. Hell.

I had my follow up doctor appointment today. All my blood work is fine, but she's really pushing this MS theory. She hasn't said she thinks I have it, but she said a woman my age, presenting with my symptoms, needs to be tested. I told her the tingling in my hands and feet has gone away (just a slight lie, it's mostly gone), but the dizziness is totally gone. The seeing stars-still there, but less frequent.

Apparently, that's also how MS presents. Symptoms that come and go, flare ups and remissions, etc..

I informed her that we have new insurance that SUCKS, and I can't afford an MRI right now. (Truth be told-I CAN afford it, I just don't WANT to afford it. I'd rather have things I want.)

She asked if I've ever had an MRI, which I have. So she is requesting those records, along with my back x-rays from last year or whenever the hell it was, and I have to go back in about a month.

She said "I'm not going to let this go for too long, no matter how much it costs you."

So there you have it. I asked her if it was life threatening, or if it really made a difference if I was diagnosed today or in a month, and she said no. I asked her if my life would be the same, can I still work? And she told me not to put the cart before the horse. And to stay off the internet. Which I (mostly) have.

I do know (because I went on the internet anyway, take THAT!)that life expectancy is basically the same with or without it. 90% still have the ability to walk 10 years after diagnoses, so it is progressive but not super fast.

Again, I think this is one of those things that will turn out to be nothing (you hear me fate? THIS IS NOTHING!), but I feel better for at least knowing if I do have it, it's not a death sentence.

Back to our regularly scheduled randomness.

P.S. Did I mention how badly I want to go home and drink? Alcohol has been my coping mechanism for many, many years. It's very strange, getting used to a life without it. Strange, but good.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Book Review

Frida's Bed by Slavenka Drakulic.

I LOVE the work of Frida Kahlo-I love how almost every painting tells a story. She painted her pain because she had to get it out- there is strength in the sharing, I think.

This book is fiction, told from Frida's point of view once she became confined to her bed. But you can almost believe the writer had some sort of inside track to Frida's mind.

My favorite line- "She would stand there, suddenly acutely aware of every item, of her every movement and breathe, of being present in her body, in the world. The certainty of her existence, if only briefly, that day, that moment, in that place, would be undeniable, vivid."

If you're a fan of her work, or even if you're not, this is a very interesting read.

Aarghhhhhhhh!

A few updates and randomness before my head explodes-

I am having a hell of a time losing the weight this time around. I feel like I'm trying very hard (apparently not), and my average net caloric intake is between 700-900. I do have a cheat or two, but COME ON. I'm back UP to 143.5. Time to get crazy with the work outs.

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I hardly drank this weekend-a few beers Friday night. I'm feeling pretty good about myself. It was so nice to wake up not hungover. My goal this week is to not even drink on Friday. Wish me luck!

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I am crazy busy at work. Which is good, because the time flies, but slightly overwhelming. This job has done wonders for my self-esteem though-I'm doing things I never thought I could do.

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It is currently 31 degrees. 31! I am freezing to death here-but, I hear extremes in temperatures help you lose weight. I'll take it where I can get it right now.

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And finally, I had a very pleasant weekend with my family. We had family movie day on Saturday, then drove to Carson and weight lifted with my brother for about an hour. I've said it before, but I am really liking the whole vibe in my home right now.

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Happy Monday!

Friday, January 23, 2009

HA!

funny pictures of cats with captions
more animals

Wow!

I received another award-when life gives you lemons, make lemonade! I do seem to be much better at that then I was in the past. I still have my moments, but all in all every little thing doesn't crush me like it used to.

I'm also supposed to nominate/award other people who I find inspiring. The list is too long, so here's the short version.

To all of you who follow/read my blog-you all inspire me in different ways. Sometimes with humor, sometimes just in the searching for answers and a better way to live. Whether it's overcoming drugs, social anxiety, depression, or abuse, you have all let me know I am not alone. Thanks!

And to those of you who don't blog (this means you family and friends), but do read me-you save me every day. With forgiveness and humor, tough love and letting me cry. I am not an easy person to know, but you remind me I am a worthwhile person to know. Thank you!

Now I'm all mushy-back to work!

Friday Funny

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Hmmmmm......

I tried one of my migraine pills last night-not one of the hardcore knock me out ones, just a Maxalt.

I actually feel a bit better today. My head doesn't feel as weird and pressured as it has been.

My hands still feel tingly, and I did see a star or two this morning.

So, maybe it is just some weird drawn out migraine thing. Just because I've never had one that presented this way before doesn't mean it's not happening now, right?

I'm trying anything to avoid a costly MRI. I think I'll take a knock me out pill Friday and see how I'm doing Saturday. Wish me luck!

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes

Youngest: There's a teacher at my school who came up to me and asked me who did my hair. She's crazy, and I've heard stories that she was in an insane asylum. She shouldn't be allowed to teach.

Me: Why?

Youngest: Because what if she goes crazy again and does something weird while she's in class.

Me: Just because you're crazy doesn't mean you're dangerous. Hello, look at me!

Youngest: You're not crazy, you're just weird.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Book Review

Scar Tissue by Anthony Kiedis.

Anthony is the lead singer for the Red Hot Chili Peppers, one of my favorite bands. It took me a while to get in to this book, and then I had trouble putting it down. I love to hear stories of people conquering drug addiction and beating the odds-especially people like Anthony, who was going through thousands of dollars of coke and heroin a day.

He is a very spiritual man, very in touch with himself and others around him. You've got to envy that.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Update!

(I am aware there was an inauguration today, I just don't care. I know, BAD American!)

So apparently, people who drink heavily then stop sometimes have vitamin deficiencies because alcohol affects your bodies ability to absorb certain things, like B12 and Folate. But, she said vitamin deficiencies don't usually cause neurological symptoms. So we'll start with the fasting blood work tomorrow morning, then I go back next Tuesday. (See you next Tuesday! Sorry, couldn't resist) If there are no answers in the blood work, she'll schedule an MRI.

I told her I felt kind of dumb for coming in, and she said I shouldn't. She said my symptoms are not normal, they are not ok, and we will get to the bottom of this right away. "We are not waiting."

So I'm glad I went, but a little more worried then I probably should be. She mentioned MS, which is the worst thing to do to me, because-

1. My sister had MS, and she's dead now.

2. I immediately looked up the symptoms on the trusty interwebs, and of course, I have like 10 of them.

No, I do not think I have MS. In fact, I'm pretty sure that this will turn out to be one of those random, expensive things that end up being nothing.

At least, that's what I'm telling myself.

"It's not time to be scared, Scout. I'll let you know when it's time to be scared."

(Paraphrased from "To Kill a Mockingbird")

HA!

Remember "The Far Side" comics? Worth 1000 had a contest-use your best Photoshop skills to recreate a Far Side comic.

My favorite-

Monday, January 19, 2009

Damn

I finally broke down and made a doctor's appointment for tomorrow. The seeing stars has not gone away, I'm dizzy, and my hands and feet are tingling.

There seems to be no rhyme or reason to it. I can't figure out what makes it better or worse. I'm just sitting here at my desk, and all of a sudden I see little silver stars floating in the air. I thought it was related to not drinking, then I thought it WAS drinking, but I can't pin down any pattern.

I'm sure it's nothing, I seem to waste my money on doctor visits quite a bit. (I'm convinced I have brain cancer at least twice a year) But it's actually starting to scare me, so if I get peace of mind out of it, then it's money well spent.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Story Of My Life, Act 2

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Story Of My Life

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Today

Where am I today? Let's see.....

I'm feeling pretty good about the way things are going in my home. A little lazy today, but I've done laundry, bought groceries, and done the bare minimum thats required of me. It is Saturday, after all....

Oldest is going through a hard time-and while I can't help as much as I'd like, I can help a little. That makes me feel better.

I realized that all the drama caused by my Borderline Personality Disorder-almost nonexistent. I have come so far in the last 7 years, it's like I'm a different person. I credit a very patient and loving husband for that.

I've also realized that I'm not always the friend/wife/mother that I'd like to be. But, the first step is realizing your weakness, right? I'm trying...

I miss my mother.

Book Review

Shop Girl by Steve Martin.

This is one of my favorite books, and I had the urge to re-read it. Funny man Steve Martin is quite the writer.

The story of a millionaire, waiting for Ms. Right, and passing the time with Mirabelle the shop girl until she comes along. Mirabelle, of course, is in love. It's interesting to see both sides of the same relationship. Heartbreaking, but interesting.

Read it. And watch the movie. It makes me cry every time.

Book Review

Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain.

I actually finished this book about 2 weeks ago, but I've been SO busy. Damn job.

This probably wasn't the best book to read while dieting-his descriptions of various delicious foods and cooking techniques set my cravings OFF! On the plus side, I learned a few things, like to never order fish on a Monday. (Usually left overs from Thursdays delivery)

I learned a lot about Mr. Bourdain-he has come a long way from the heroin addicted punk he used to be. And I do love a good underdog story.

Read it.

Helping Those Less Fortunate, One POUND At A Time!

See that little widget over there to the right? If you sign up for the Pound for Pound challenge, a pound of food will be donated to a local food bank for each pound you lose. Nice, huh? Report your final results between April 1st and May 5th.

I personally need the extra motivation. I don't know what the hell I was thinking yesterday, but I'm pretty sure I ate (and drank) double my alloted calories for the day. Which means my weight went up, and my self esteem went down. Definitely back on track today!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Helping The Less Fortunate, One Can Of Beer At A Time

The last 2 recycling weeks, we have put our bins out the night before. Recycling happens every other week in my neighborhood, so you can imagine how many beer cans pile up when you have both Hubbs and I drinking every night.

The last time we set out our recycling, we woke up the next morning to discover all the beer cans gone. Who cares, right? They are still getting recycled and besides-I bet whoever took them thought they hit the motherload at my house!

We set out our bins again last night, and lo and behold, when I got up this morning the beer cans were gone. Unfortunately, there was no longer a motherload of cans as Hubbs and I have basically quit drinking during the week, and have cut down tremendously on weekends.

But-next time I slip, and feel the need to drink on a non-drinking day, OR drink too much on a drinking day, I will raise my can to the sky and say "I'm doing it for you enterprising can collector guy. I'm doing it for YOU."

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Another Random

If you have lived your life and not followed your dreams, is that life wasted?

I always thought I would be-at the very least-a counselor,at the very best-a psychologist.

Now, I have a well paying job, a wonderful husband, great children (and grandchildren!), a mortgage, etc....

There is no way I could afford to go back to school. I know my life hasn't been wasted, and I'm very happy in this life, but sometimes I think "If I die tomorrow, will I regret not going back to school or will I realize I came a LONG way, all things considered?"

Just a thought.

Mammogram!

If you're a guy, you may want to stop reading. Or, keep reading and get some insight in to the mind of a woman......a CRAZY woman!

The mammogram was not as painful as I thought it was going to be. It was, however, more humiliating then I thought it would be. I wonder if it's less so for a woman who is comfortable with the size of her breasts?

The technician pointed out that a lot of "first timers" get called back for a second set of films-something to do with it being the baseline mammo and they want a very clear set of pictures to go by.

Of course, I instantly thought "She saw something-she's warning me I'm going to get a call back".

No sooner did I finish that thought when she said "And no, I didn't see anything-I tell this to all my patients. So don't panic if you get a call to come back."

I told Hubbs to remind me of that when I freak out if they call.

Randomness

I woke up this morning with a positive attitude and a VERY sore body. This weight lifting nonsense better pay off, because I HATE it! But, I've lost 5.5 pounds, so I'm doing great.

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What is so different about Mondays? I am WORTHLESS at the start of the week, and I'm not sure why. It used to be because I was totally hungover. Removed that issue, and I can still barely make it through the day. I'm emotional and tired and can barely function. Must evaluate further.

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Have you ever seen stars? Kind of like when you're about to faint, but without the extreme dizzy feeling? I've been seeing them off and on for a week. At first I thought it was the alcohol leaving my system, but I had a few beers this weekend and they were still there. I had no luck searching my trusty interwebs, so if anyone has experienced this please let me know. I don't feel like going to the doctor just yet.

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We had ling cod for dinner last night, out of the batch of sea kittens Hubbs got from his co-worker. Delicious! I forgot about the bone issue from fresh kitten though, but it was worth every delicious bite.

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And finally, I am completely slammed at work. It's good because it makes the day go by faster, but bad because once again, I have the voice in my head telling me I'm going to fail, why even bother, quit now, RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know deep inside that it will be ok, but it's very stressful GETTING to the ok.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Speaking Of, My First Mammogram Is Tomorrow...

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Not that I'm worried, this just struck me as funny in my sick sense of humor kind of way!

Exhausted, But In A Good Way

This was another weekend in a long time that I didn't spend drunk-go me!

We did drink, but not to excess. It felt really good to not spend my weekend in a blur. Friday night we went out and spent Hubbs' gift card and picked up a gift for my niece's 7th birthday. I went to bed pretty early-being so busy at work is exhausting me!

Saturday we had friends over for dinner-low cal BLT's and homemade baked french fries. I stuck to my diet and did really well-I'm down 3 pounds from last Monday.

Sunday we went to Niece's party, then lifted weights with my brother for about an hour. I'm very sore and very tired, but as I said, it feels good to be tired from working out and not because I'm hungover.

I plan to step up my work outs this week. 20 minutes on the elliptical in the mornings, and either lifting weights or my workout DVD in the evening. I was so toned and fit just a few short months ago-I know it's only 10 pounds, but it feels like more because I turned to flab fast.

Not so easy to stay in shape once you hit 40!

Friday, January 9, 2009

WTF?

Peta has launched a campaign to try to save the fish of the world by changing their name to Sea Kittens.

"Nobody would hurt a sea kitten! People don't seem to like fish. We're going to start by retiring the old name for good. When your name can also be used as a verb that means driving a hook through your head, it's time for a serious image makeover."

Sea Kittens-It's Whats For Dinner!

My favorite way to eat sea kitten is broiled, with a little lemon and butter. You?

And wirecutter, next time you go fishing remember to call out "Here kitty kitty....."

Friday Funny

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Wow

I lost a follower! I had 8, and now I'm down to 7....what does it mean? I've stopped talking about guns? Someone saw a post, thought I was their kind of woman, saw an emotional post, and said "screw it?"

Could it be.....all the silly cat posts? Well, here's one for ya-

funny pictures of cats with captions
more animals

I'm sorry, I find me hilarious....

Blah

While I am feeling better, I'm still not 100%. I had a really nice night last night-spent some time with Hubbs, then Youngest helped me make dinner while we talked about his day. I worked out while dinner was cooking, then we had family movie night and watched "Tropic Thunder". I felt pretty good when I went to bed, but now I'm feeling pretty blah.

I know it takes time to get over strong emotions, but I'm impatient. I want my yesterday feeling to hurry up and be the norm.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Ha!

KANO, Nigeria - Police in Nigeria have arrested scores of motorcycle taxi riders with dried fruit shells, pots or pieces of rubber tire tied to their heads with string to avoid a new law requiring them to wear helmets.

This is my interpretation of how they look-



I Can See The Light

I'm feeling better. Not 100%, but much better.

I'm not really clear on what left me feeling so hopeless. It was bad there for a minute. I considered going to the hospital Monday before I decided to just start talking to myself to get out of it. I have identified two things that were bothering me, but I think the real problem is that little voice in my head.

My weekend didn't end like I wanted it too, with family movie day. Youngest was at my brother's, and by the time he got home and we had dinner, we discovered the DVD we were going to watch didn't work. I didn't have a bad day, it just didn't go as planned.

I'm also feeling completely overwhelmed at work. I have a report due on January 30, and another one due this Friday. So I get the voice in my head telling me it's too hard, I'm not smart enough, I'm just going to fail anyway, I'll lose my job, my house, and everything I love-on and on and on. It's horrible, it really is. Sometimes it's like my brain is on this endless loop of replaying every dumb thing I've ever done and I just can't shut it up.

I'm feeling a bit more confident today, though I had a bad night last night. Listened to the voice until about 11pm before I finally took a Xanax so I could sleep.

I'm just going to continue doing the things that are expected of me, keep trying to silence the voice, and try REALLY hard not to shut down completely.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Can't Function.....

Too depressed.....

I'm forcing myself to go through the motions, but I am in the grips of a paralyzing depression right now. I know I should write, to help identify my feelings and get them out, but I don't feel like it right now.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

WTF?

fail owned pwned pictures
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Wrong Kind Of Excitement!

My nephew is on leave for the holidays (Marine), and he and his little sister came over last night for dinner and a movie. Well, that was the plan anyway.

What's the old saying-Men make plans while God laughs or something like that?

My brother stayed for dinner too, then Nephew, Hubbs, and Youngest went to rent movies. When they got back, they had one movie that was slightly questionable so Hubbs and I were checking the parental advisories on the trusty interwebs. Nephew decided to eat the left over steak.

"Mom! Cousins choking!"

"Holy shit, call 911" (which is my immediate reaction to everything)

Youngest had hit him on the back once, then I tried the Heimlich Maneuver. He was kind of able to speak, but he was turning red and spitting out huge amounts of saliva. Then Hubbs did the Heimlich, which left him better able to speak, but he said he still felt the steak stuck in his throat.

We called 911, and we are lucky enough to live about 1 minute away from our local fire station. They were here before the 911 operator was done asking me the usual questions.

It was determined that he needed to be seen, to possibly have an esophageal scope and have the foreign body removed. They took off in the ambulance (by the way, did you know if you are active duty military you can go to any hospital and be seen?) and Hubbs followed while I stayed home with Youngest and Niece.

They sat there for about 2 hours, when Nephew started feeling better and they decided the scope wasn't necessary, but they did take an x-ray to confirm the blockage had passed.

He's okay-a little embarrassed about having to be told to take smaller bites and chew more thoroughly, but he's fine. Thank you God, Jesus, or whoever is listening today. (have I ever mentioned that my Grandmother died from choking on food?)

So that left us today, all of us emotionally drained and feeling like we could have lost him. Which leads me to start thinking about how this is nothing-he's about to be shipped to Afghanistan, or North Korea, or whoever the hell we've decided is a threat. It's a little too much for my fragile nature today. I'm kind of feeling like I'm going off the deep end anyway (too much unstructured vacation time) and this has affected me more than I realize.

This is probably one of the most selfish things I've ever said but I'm saying it anyway.

I understand and appreciate the need for the military, I really do. I have always had a place in my heart for the men and women who are willing to fight and potentially die for me and my freedom.

But couldn't it be someone else?

Friday, January 2, 2009

Regarding Guns

Funny story, regarding California's gun laws......

After breaking up with a psycho loser about 10 years ago, I decided I needed a gun. Now I had shot many guns, but knew nothing of the laws, safety requirements, etc....

I marched myself down to my local gun shop, and found two old geezers behind the counter.

"I need a gun"

At which point I learned you couldn't just buy a gun, you had to take a safety test. I said "Ok, let me read the handbook"

"Are you sure you don't want a few days to read it before the test?"

"No, hand it over"

So I read the book, took the test, and geezer one said....

"Little lady, (at which point I thought great, I failed miserably and embarrassed myself in front of these two old men)...you are the first woman in the history of Flag Gun Shop to pass that test 100%"

I threw my arms up in the air and said "Woo hoo! Give me a gun!"

And then I learned about the 10 day wait, blah blah blah....

Life got in the way, and I never did buy that gun. But for a minute there, I felt like Annie Oakley!

Again?



I swear, I'm starting to feel like Jack Nicholson in The Shining......

Friday Funny

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Thursday, January 1, 2009

I'm Lucky Enough To Have Married Him



Thanks Jonco!

Opinion Please

This has been weighing heavily on Hubbs and I for a while-I'll try to not be too long winded, and I'd love your opinion if you'd care to share.

We are friends with a couple, let's call them Jack and Jill. We were best friends, spent every weekend together, helped each other move, and Jill really helped me when my mother died.

They moved to California, which made me cry my eyes out, then came back about a year later. During that time, Jill had an emotional affair with her boss, which technically I shouldn't know about, because Jack shared it with Hubbs and swore him to secrecy.

Anyway, when they came back and we started spending time together again, we noticed several things that just didn't sit right with us. For example, they have this weird dynamic in their relationship where they say things to each other like "Well, if you weren't such a fucking idiot XYZ never would have happened." I can't even imagine speaking to my husband like that. And if he said that to me? Let's just say it wouldn't end well.

Now it's none of my business how married people treat each other, but I can't help but look at them differently now.

Then I realized that every time we spent time with them, Jill made some comment that made me feel bad about myself. For example, when I was 20 pounds heavier and I complimented her on a new bathing suit, she said "Yeah, too bad it doesn't come in a large."

We ended up having a huge argument over Hubbs' unwillingness to loan Jack a tool (Jack does not have a good track record-you loan him something and you get it back broken, 3 weeks later). We pay good money for our things, and we care about them. Why would we loan something to someone who breaks stuff? Jack was completely bent out of shape, said mean things to Hubbs, which led to me calling Jack back and flipping my noodle. I believe one of the things I said was "No one is allowed to make my husband feel bad but me! How dare you! Don't you EVER talk to him that way again!" I know I'm slightly crazy, but do you get my point?

So now, we are somewhat on speaking terms again-we visited them the other night, and they called last night and wanted to get together. We just don't have it in us to get too close to them again. They are not bad people, not at all, there just seems to be so much drama surrounding it all. And we're kind of feeling like bad people for not taking the friendship back to the level it was before.

Am I a bitch, or am I right to distance myself from them?

Happy New Year!!!

We had a great night-and I'm not even hung over! We had chicken wings and beer, and watched a few movies. I almost didn't make it to midnight, but I hung in there. Youngest and I watched the ball drop in Times Square, and caught a few minutes of Dick Clark. I remember hearing he had a stroke or two, but it made me sad to see how much he had changed.

And I admit, I got a little teary eyed. Not sure why though. Sentimental Lula.

I hope everyone had a great night, and you're not too hungover!