Monday, March 30, 2009

Crazy Cat Lady Chronicles

Hubbs and I have had several long cats (I just typed cats instead of talk, it's a typo and I'm leaving it) about Newman, and how far we'll go with this, and what the best thing to do is.

We are not wealthy people, and even if we were, there is a limit to what I am willing to do to keep a cat alive. I hear of people who put their cats on chemo, and feed them through feeding tubes in their necks, and I'm sorry but even to me that seems a little excessive. If I thought Newman was miserable I would put him down in a minute.

I spoke with our Vet today, and he said several things.

1. It is very possible that it is just old age. He is an old cat.

2. It could be something as simple as a bladder infection.

3. It could be a tumor, or some other life threatening problem.

4. If my cat was in pain, I would know it.

Here's what we're going to do. I'm taking him in tomorrow for a urine test. If he has an infection, we will put him on antibiotics, and problem solved. If he doesn't have a bladder infection, that means it's either just old age or something that is going to be painful and drawn out. Which means I will keep him comfortable for as long as I can, then I'm going to have to let him go.

I'm very, very sad over this turn of events. I love that goddamn cat so much, my heart literally hurts just thinking of him suffering, or dying. He has had a wonderful life with us, and we're very lucky we have had him for as long as we had.

I'll either be a complete basket case tomorrow, or I will be able to just get my cat some meds and go on with my life. I don't think that's the case, but we'll see. I'm quite positive it's old age, and I better just be prepared.

I'm also trying to separate the connection between my mother and the cat in my head. All this talk of dying, and sickness, and keeping him comfortable is bringing back all the stuff I went through when my mother was dying. That, and the fact that Mom and Newman were buds-she fed him for years until I brought him in to my home. It feels like my last connection with my mother, and I'm not ready to let it go, no matter how silly it may be.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

See?



Even Cleo is worried about Newman-she's watching him sleep.

Make it STOP

I have had a really bad case of the wants lately. I'm not normally like this, and I've been studying myself trying to figure out why.

I think I'm focusing on stupid things instead of focusing on the things that are really bothering me. Clothes, money, whatever. When really-who cares? I have everything I need, and I mean everything. My husband adores me, and there is nothing he wouldn't do for me. My children are healthy, happy, and safe. My home is my own. I love my car. I have a semi well paying job. So why do I suddenly find myself comparing me to everyone around me?

Hubbs taught me a valuable lesson last night-"Run your own race." Instead of worrying about what she has, or how much money he makes, just live your own life. If you waste your time comparing yourself to other people you will go insane. So, run your own race.

I'm trying-I really am. But right now, running my own race means focusing on me, and I just can't.

My cat is on the downhill slide. It happened again, and now I'm sure-he is losing bladder control in his sleep. I know it's just a cat, blah blah blah, but I am severely fucked in the head over this.

My son's (I don't even want to say father, because Hubbs is his father) dna donor didn't even send a card or call on his 13th birthday. He's a teenager now, and that ass couldn't even acknowledge it? It broke my heart when Youngest looked at me and said "Was there anything in the mail for me?" and I had to say "No."

Life is too much for me right now, it really is. It's been a solid week that I've been trapped in this mood, and I just want it to stop. I'm tired. And oh so very sad. Deep down, heart broken sad.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Holy Cow!

Youngest turns 13 today-and I'm having a little trouble wrapping my brain around the fact that I have a 21 year old son who is married with 2 children, and a teenager! Weird.....

He's going to the movies tonight with a girl friend, which gives Hubbs and I an hour or two alone-woo hoo!! Then tomorrow we're taking him out for sushi. I see a very pleasant weekend ahead.

Happy Friday!!

Friday Funny!

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Is it Saturday yet?

This has been one hell of a week. I'm totally ready to stay in bed with a good book and a Xanax or 4.

I've had nightmares every night this week-I go through these spells every now and again-though Hubbs was right this morning when he said "We haven't had to work you out of one of these for a while." So that's good I guess.

When I went to get on the elliptical this morning, I noticed that Newman's (my cat) bed was all wet. Now, I know when cats lose control of their bladders it is not a good sign, so I was freaking pretty hard on the inside. Newman is very old, about 15-17 years old. He's a rescue cat-my mom fed him for years before one day she told me about this sweet old cat with no claws who she didn't want to see spend another winter outdoors. So we adopted him, and as the years have gone by we have noticed age catching up more and more with the poor guy.Seeing his bed wet this morning was the last thing I wanted to see. Part of my deal with Newman is I feel like he's the last link to my mother. And I'm just not quite ready to lose that yet.

Weird thing though-we smelled the bed, and it didn't smell like urine. And you know cat urine is very strong. His haunches were also wet, so I'm not quite sure what is going on.

Anyhow, I washed him and his bed, and we're taking the wait and see attitude. We think he may have thrown up water-which is a symptom of-get this-acid reflux. Newman and I, avoiding spicy foods together.....

If he appears to be sick or in pain at any moment, then we will take him to the vet. But for now, I'm thinking Pepcid and a close eye on the old man.

THEN, after being on the verge of tears all morning, I had to help out with a group of developmentally/physically disabled kids. And this may sound bad, but I just keep thinking "Lula, you're losing your marbles over a cat, can you imagine what the parents of these poor kids go through on a daily basis?" Not that I won't be sad if I do lose Newman, but it kind of put a whole lot of things in perspective in a quick minute.

Book Review

Prayers for Rain by Dennis Lehane.

I enjoyed this book-I like detective stories when they are well written and don't make a lot of mistakes. I was reading the Patricia Cornwell series of books a while ago, and she made so many mistakes in her books that I finally had to stop due to extreme irritation.

Interesting plot, quite a few twists and turns, and edge of your seat excitement. If you like detective stories, I recommend giving this one a try.

Book Review

In Her Shoes by Jennifer Weiner.

I'm not a huge fan of chick lit, but I knew this book had been turned in to a movie so I thought I'd give it a try.

The story of two sisters, complete opposites, their trials and tribulations, and finally success at what they both needed the most.

Not a bad read. I'm kind of lukewarm on it because it's not my favorite genre, but it wasn't bad.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Groundhog Day

I'm 99% sure that if I go back and read past posts, I will have posted this exact same thing.

When I get stuck in a mood, I get STUCK. Depression leads to the same thing for me every time-my days end with me unable to sleep because my brain is reliving every stupid thing I have ever done in my life. It's exhausting, it's boring, and it must be stopped. I do try to change the subject in my head as many times as it takes until I fall asleep, but I wish there was a way for it to not happen at all.

I'm forcing the positive down my own throat today though-I have a job, a great family, a warm home, plenty of food, good friends, etc.....We'll see if this leads to a better evening.

And, today is my EEG. I find it funny that they feel the need to check for abnormal brain activity-anyone who knows me knows I'm all about abnormal brain activity!

Monday, March 23, 2009

I am in NO MOOD!

Depressed, very depressed. I've decided it's a worse feeling to be disappointed in yourself than to be disappointed in other people.

I swear, every weekend I tell myself I'm going to do things differently, and every weekend I do the exact same shit. Drink too much, eat too much, smoke too much, then before I know it it's Monday. My weekends pass in a haze.

That and the fact that Hubbs and I were very distant this weekend, I had my feelings hurt numerous times, and my weight shot up 5 flippin pounds-I'm just in no mood to deal with anything today.

Now if I could remember this feeling come Friday, maybe I could make the changes necessary to not feel like such a loser.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Rant

Everyone I know has heard me rant about this subject, but it's really bothering me, so here I go again.

This man I work with, let's call him "Dick", is driving me INSANE. He's loud mouthed and obnoxious, and it seems like every time I have a little success he makes some sort of snide comment to make it feel....less. It's really bothering me. It's not just me, he's kind of an ass to everyone. But it seems like there comes a time when you have to learn to control your mouth and act professional. I've asked my boss twice to talk to him, because I don't think I have to tolerate such douchebaggery-and he has, then Dick will be nice for a while, then something will happen (at home?) to make him be an ass again.

I have a million theories as to why he acts this way, one of them being that he can't stand to see me (a WOMAN? Doing a GOOD JOB? Oh, HELL NO)do well. And I'm as hot tempered and loud mouthed as the next nutjob, so I have to catch myself time and time again from saying horrible personal things just to strike back at him. It's kind of ridiculous.

I like my job, and I like (most) of the people I work with. But somethings got to give before I call out the big guns. And by the big guns, I mean my husband going down there and KICKING HIS ASS.

Disclaimer-I would never ask my husband to beat the ass of someone who obviously has so many personal problems he can't even function like an adult at work. But it's nice to dream......

Friday Funny

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Randomness

I swear, I should have named this blog imacrazybitchwhocanbarelykeepittogetherbutilovethehelloutofmyfamilyillbeokaytomorrow.com

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I know you shouldn't blog about work, but....

It's driving me CRAZY! Two things-

I now wish I had played dumb when I started, so less was expected of me. Apparently that's an ok thing here.

I really, REALLY hope they can get rid of the dead weight around here. So I can get rid of the "poor me's"

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I adore my husband, I really do. He has finally decided to go after the non-smoking. Which makes me very happy, because now I can quit, and we can live longer lives. The goal is for me to die first though, so maybe I shouldn't quit....

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I have been on a nice even keel for quite a while now. I've been able to talk myself out of a few depressions, control my anger, not give in to my mania, and be a general all around ray of sunshine. Weird, huh?

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Youngest is going to his first concert tonight, so Hubbs and I have the house to ourselves. For HOURS!!! Whatever shall we do???? I'm really looking forward to it.

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And finally, I'm at 139 pounds. Which means I am in eat like a horse mode, because look how easy it is to get here! Ding dong....But the most important thing-I have lost inches off of my waist and hips, my lower back doesn't hurt nearly as much, and I'm actually getting little girly biceps. WOO HOO! Who knew I would end up in such great shape!

Book Review

Gone, Baby, Gone by Dennis Lehane.

I have been SLACKING on logging my books and reviewing them. I wanted to keep track so I could see how many books I actually read in a year, but life has been very.....unusual lately, so I have fallen behind. Which also means I can't remember half of what I have read in the past month or so, but whatever.

I was afraid to read this book because of the subject matter, but it was pretty well written. It's the story of a missing child and a detective's search to recover her. I'm probably the only person in the world who hasn't seen the movie, but I don't generally like movies adapted from books anyway.

There was one part of the book that I had to kind of skim through, but all in all I enjoyed the story.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Laugh

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

New Layout!

What do you think? Courtesy of Little Wing-thanks Woman!

True Love

Me: Why do you love me so much when I'm so crazy and fucked up in the head?

Hubbs: You're an honest crazy.

Me: Not a deceitful crazy?

Hubbs: Exactly.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Silly......

I received the following email from Hubbs. Just another reason why I adore that man.




what does a pirate pay for corn?


a Buck an ear...



What's blue and could kill you if it fell out of a tree?

-A refrigerator wearing a denim jacket.



What's blue and smells like red paint?

-Blue paint.



What's brown and sounds like a bell?

-Dung!



What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?



Roberto.



What do you look for in a refrigerator?

beer.

Offensive? Or hilarious?

Be sure to read the comments-and click to enlarge.



I found that HILARIOUS! I know, I'm warped....


Courtesy of Dlisted, via Buzzfeed

And that's your Friday Funny, a day early. I'm taking a vacation day tomorrow to celebrate March 14th with my husband. We get Valentine's Day, the men get Steak and.....well, you know.

Have a great weekend!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Rules for Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.

3. Owner of the course must approve the equipment before play may begin.

4. For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.

6. Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.

7. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.

8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention being given to the well-formed bunkers.

9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11.Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

12. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.

13. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

14. The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.

via misscellania.com

Monday, March 9, 2009

Still no answer.....

Saw the neurologist today-and he has no idea what's going on with me. He said I'm not showing any physical symptoms of MS, which is awesome. He ordered a scan of my brain waves-maybe there is some sort of electrical imbalance. Insert standard dumb blond joke here......

Friday, March 6, 2009

Thursday, March 5, 2009

So....much....pain.....

I have been busting my ass trying to get into shape.

"10 days to a better body!"

"Fit to strip!"

"30 day shred!"

And it's working, very well actually. I've lost several inches, plus 9 of the 11 pounds I gained over the holiday.

But, I think I overdid it last night. My back hurts SO BAD.Like I want to get back in my car, go home, take a Darvocet, and spend the day in bed bad.

I'm taking a break tonight. Family movie night and park my ass on the couch.

Ouch.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Get organized, Polly Cutler!

Name that movie quote, and I will send you a free bag of candy. And no cheating. It's from one of my favorite movies, and it's what Hubbs says when I need a gentle reminder to get my shit together.

I compare myself (unfairly) to everyone. That girl over there, the stay at home mom? Why can't I do the things she does?

That girl over there, the one whose family makes twice the amount we do? Why can't I shop like her?

That 20 year old? Why don't I have her abs?

That childless career woman? Why don't I have her never-breast-fed-a-child-breasts-Calvin Klein wardrobe?

When the facts are-I am lucky (blessed, whatevs)with what I do have.

I may not have all the things I want, but I definitely have all the things I need.

I had a little chat with myself this morning, and I realized I really, truly want for nothing. I want things (who doesn't), but all my needs are met.

I have wonderful quality time with my husband and kid.

My car is reliable and safe.

I have a job.

I own my own home.

My clothes aren't tattered.

I'm in excellent shape for 40.

I may be slightly insane, but I know what's important.

Granted, I do have a huge list of things I want (Oldest! Move here with your family! Mom! Come back! Hair! For God's sake, do what I want!!!)but in general, I am way better off than at least 50% of the population of this country.

I just need a gentle reminder every now and again....

Randomness

My nephew has been deployed. To Afghanistan. Bastards.

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Have you seen this site? http://thisiswhyyourefat.com I swear if I wasn't on this new health kick I would eat at least 30% of the things there.

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The whole not complaining-being positive test? Working. Nothing has really changed in my life except my attitude towards it, but things do seem a lot better. Weird......Who knew it could be so easy.

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Just when I think I'm starting to feel better, and this whole MRI/MS/Neurologist crap is a waste of time, I get slammed with assorted weird feelings. Sitting in a meeting today, I have never felt dizzier. At least it reassures me that I'm doing the right thing by getting checked out.

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Hubbs and I carpooled today. We used to every day, but when he switched jobs it was no longer possible. But, it has been raining and snowing, and our streets were a solid sheet of ice from our house all the way to the freeway. So Hubbs drove me so I wouldn't be scared-what an awesome way to start my day! Not having to drive AND having a few extra moments with him. Plus, I get to see him earlier because he is picking me up. Woo hoo!

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I'm really sick of fake boobs.

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Monday, March 2, 2009

So.......

The MRI was clear. But I believe she is starting to feel like she's in over her head. She said she would schedule a back MRI, but "Let's wait and see what the neurologist says"

If the one on my brain cost $3000, can you imagine what the cost of one on my whole back would be? Jesus.

She also said "That's the problem with MS, the symptoms come and go, you get remissions then blah blah blah blah"

So I asked her point blank "Do you think that's what I have?"

"Well, a women your age, presenting with those symptoms, blah blah"

I think part of the problem here is my regular doctor is out on maternity leave, and this substitute just doesn't have the bedside manner required to deal with a loony tune like me.

Anyhoo, next doctor appointment Monday the 9th.

HA!



Thanks Little Wing!

Skeered!

I am a nervous wreck. I get my MRI results at 11:30, at I'm pretty nervous about it. I'll update as soon as I can after the appointment.

I actually meant to update about a thousand times this weekend, but we stayed so busy. Housecleaning Saturday (which included making homemade beef jerky, YUM!), family movie day then dinner with my Bro on Sunday....the weekend flew by. But it was very nice, we had good quality family time.

Anyway, Happy Monday!