It's a girl!

Youngest has a friend, we'll call her Daughter. Daughter's mom is....honestly, I don't even know what to say. The mom moved in with her boyfriend and left Daughter home alone to fend for herself. Well, she dropped off groceries once a week. Daughter also has a 16 year old sister that was left at home too-she just moved in with her boyfriend.

I understand people going through hard times, and getting all whacked in the head about their new man, but COME ON. Daughter is 14 years old! I asked her what she ate for lunch and do you know what she said? "Friend's food."

So she lives with us now. Her mom said "I don't want people thinking I'm a bad mother who just abandoned my daughter."

And you know, I'm trying not to be judgy. When it comes to not being able to take care of your kids I am the last person in the world to make that judgment call. But something about this is just rubbing me the wrong way, and I'm not sure what it is.

And I'm scared. I'm afraid we can't afford it, I'm afraid I'm going to get attached and some B.S. is going to happen. I'm afraid the mom is coming for her in a month, and I'm afraid the mom won't come for her at all.

But after seeing the inside of her house and hearing the stories of how she just basically lives alone, there is no way in hell we could have let that go on.

My worst nightmare, part 2

Attacker arrested and suspended from school.Good, right? You'd think I'd relax a little. But no, the attacker has friends. Friends who are now giving my son the ole side eye at school.

They have all been warned by the principal that retaliation will bring terrible things upon them and their families.

But still.....

I can't handle this, living in fear. I don't know if I'm blowing it out of proportion or not, all I know is my son was hurt, who do I need to beat? Grrr, Mama bear.

Actually, my husband made me promise I wouldn't beat anybody up. I was on my way to finagle a home address out of the school then go beat down the mom for raising such a horrible, intolerant child. But I promised. So no beatings from me.

We're taking it day by day, his safety. Does he feel threatened, afraid to walk home?

I've never wanted the end of a school year to come so quickly.

I keep cruising the internet, looking for something, anything, I'm not sure what. Support? Someone else who really understands how terrified I am? A solution?

I feel like it's me against the world right now. A horrible, hateful, intolerant world.

My worst nightmare

Hate crimes (also known as bias-motivated crimes) occur when a perpetrator targets a victim because of his or her perceived membership in a certain social group, usually defined by racial group, religion, sexual orientation, disability, class, ethnicity, nationality, age, gender, gender identity, or political affiliation.

My son was assaulted after school yesterday, and yes, it's classified as a hate crime. The police are investigating and are expecting to make an arrest hopefully today.

I've lived in fear of this day since he was a little boy. What kind of children are we raising where our kids think it's ok to attack someone just because they are different? And how the hell am I supposed to keep him safe in this kind of world? Do we need to fear retaliation now? Do I need to escort him to and from school for the rest of the year? How do I keep him safe?

My heart is broken. And I am absolutely terrified that next time it will be worse.

Seriously, this time I mean it.

Hubbs just got back from the doctor, and the whole blood sodium thing? Fine. His numbers were smack dab in the middle of the normal range. So me freaking out thinking we were going to die an alcoholics death were slightly unfounded.

On the other hand-god DAMN I am over drinking! I feel like shit, I'm fat, my acid reflux is crazy. I ordered new pants from Victoria's Secret and I'm seriously doubting if they're even going to fit my fat ass.

So, tonight is family movie night. Tomorrow is work out, build fence, and a whole other batch of stuff to keep myself busy. I really want to get back to how I felt and looked last Fall.

If I report back here on that I drank this weekend, somebody better love me enough to kick my ass.

Tuesdays = bad

At least this week...

Remember how I said I was so anxious for 2010 to start? Just to get over the drama and stress of last year?

Every week, since January 1st, something lame and stressful and all around fucked has happened, starting with my eye infection on January 2nd.

This week-

My dearest friend had a seizure last night. No longer able to drive, tests, medical bills, etc... My heart breaks for her.

Hubbs had some blood work a while back, and the test came back showing he has low blood sodium. One of the causes of low blood sodium? (Which I finally got around to investigating today) Excessive beer drinking. Hello, alcoholism. Can't pretend anymore. (Though in his defense, he drinks over a gallon of water a day and is on high blood pressure meds-diuretics. And we don't eat processed food)

Today was just so high stress-worried about my friend, realizing that yes, we are probably alcoholics. And of course stress makes me want to drink, which I can't do anymore for several reasons.

Knocked off the getting my shit together horse, but god damn, I am jumping right back on.

I can drive Dear One to work- relieve some of her stress, and get to spend a little extra time with her.

Finally, a real reason to quit drinking-since none of my other real reasons have stuck.

This too shall pass.

Right?

I like Gary's world better too....

Get Out
by Esma-Movie

Over it

I'm 10 pounds lighter than I was this time last year, but 6 pounds heavier than my lowest. I guess it's some progress, but it doesn't feel like it. Those 6 pounds have left me feeling flabby and gross. Back to calorie and carb counting-and my awesome workout schedule. I've actually missed the weight lifting, it's just going to be hard to get back on track.

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I don't know why I'm hell bent on killing myself with cigarettes, alcohol, and foods that are setting my acid reflux into overdrive. But I'm over it, I really am. Tired of feeling like shit.

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I'm sick of having to schedule my life based on my fear of crowds. For example, I can't just jump in my car and go to the mall. I have to set my alarm to make sure I'm there as soon as they open in order to avoid the crowds. Even if I'm in a group of people I know I get all shaky and weird. I hate it. I'm sure there's some kind of immersion therapy or whatever they call it when they force you to face your fears in order to get over them, but who can afford that shit.

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Just writing that last paragraph made my hands start to shake. Freak.

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And on that note, Hubbs and I are off to the DMV. Woo. Hoo.

Shit.

I hate it when I flip for really no apparent reason. Yesterday not only was I bitchy and mean, I ate every single thing that was put in front of me, good for me or not. Mostly not.

So now I'm left wondering what the hell just happened. I've been doing so well lately.

Here's what I think.

1. My little sneaking bits of carbs and sugar are messing with my moods. I swear, it seems like the more I binge, the more my moods go haywire. So, that's easily fixed. I really expected to gain like 3 pounds after yesterday-you know it's bad when you're too embarrassed to tell your husband what you ate. But I didn't, I actually dropped. I feel like I dodged a bullet with that one, so my resolve is much stronger today.

2. When interviewing for the Crisis Call Center, they asked if I had overcome my various "issues". Apparently the training is very intensive and brings up a lot of painful emotions. "Of course! My mental health is stellar! I'll be fine!" Which is for the most part true, but now I'm wondering if I'm doing a little "checking out", mentally preparing myself for the floodgates to open here in a week. That is actually one of the worse things I do-isolate, get wrapped up in myself, and totally lose the ability to communicate.

I guess time will tell with both issues. But I feel I have at least identified what could be wrong, (and being aware is the first step blah blah blah) because really those are the only two things that have changed.

Well, that and the fact that one of the diamonds fell out of my wedding ring yesterday. That REALLY pissed me off-especially since I will never buy (or receive) another diamond again. Makes fixing it a little difficult.

Stop me if you've heard this before.

I saw the acid reflux specialist yesterday, and apparently kind of cutting out my trigger foods/drinks is not good enough. When he asked me about drinking, he said "You need to stop. Now. If we can get this under control then you can cheat occasionally, but for now, stop all your triggers."

So, here we go again with the quitting drinking and smoking. I know it's not a good idea to give up all your vices at once (add chocolate to that list as well) so I'm going to mainly focus on the drinking, and I'm sure the smoking will naturally follow. I shouldn't even say focus, I'm just doing it. I have to. I would rather not get throat cancer because I can't get my damn acid reflux under control. Besides, there are several other benefits-I'm really curious to see how my stomach looks when it's not fighting off the beer bloat. I've been doing abs every day for a month and I don't notice a thing. Hubbs does, but I don't. Anyway-

Tomorrow I get to have an upper endoscopy-you know, the camera down the throat and all? Freaking out a little bit actually. But I guess they sedate you so heavily you don't remember a thing. I'm afraid of the procedure, not the results.

Happy Thursday!

Oh yeah, I'm back to using Twitter. I like to be notified when certain sites have new posts. Call me lazy.

Crazy Cat Lady Chronicles

Hubbs and I have had several long cats (I just typed cats instead of talk, it's a typo and I'm leaving it) about Newman, and how far we'll go with this, and what the best thing to do is.

We are not wealthy people, and even if we were, there is a limit to what I am willing to do to keep a cat alive. I hear of people who put their cats on chemo, and feed them through feeding tubes in their necks, and I'm sorry but even to me that seems a little excessive. If I thought Newman was miserable I would put him down in a minute.

I spoke with our Vet today, and he said several things.

1. It is very possible that it is just old age. He is an old cat.

2. It could be something as simple as a bladder infection.

3. It could be a tumor, or some other life threatening problem.

4. If my cat was in pain, I would know it.

Here's what we're going to do. I'm taking him in tomorrow for a urine test. If he has an infection, we will put him on antibiotics, and problem solved. If he doesn't have a bladder infection, that means it's either just old age or something that is going to be painful and drawn out. Which means I will keep him comfortable for as long as I can, then I'm going to have to let him go.

I'm very, very sad over this turn of events. I love that goddamn cat so much, my heart literally hurts just thinking of him suffering, or dying. He has had a wonderful life with us, and we're very lucky we have had him for as long as we had.

I'll either be a complete basket case tomorrow, or I will be able to just get my cat some meds and go on with my life. I don't think that's the case, but we'll see. I'm quite positive it's old age, and I better just be prepared.

I'm also trying to separate the connection between my mother and the cat in my head. All this talk of dying, and sickness, and keeping him comfortable is bringing back all the stuff I went through when my mother was dying. That, and the fact that Mom and Newman were buds-she fed him for years until I brought him in to my home. It feels like my last connection with my mother, and I'm not ready to let it go, no matter how silly it may be.

See?

Even Cleo is worried about Newman-she's watching him sleep.

Is it Saturday yet?

This has been one hell of a week. I'm totally ready to stay in bed with a good book and a Xanax or 4.

I've had nightmares every night this week-I go through these spells every now and again-though Hubbs was right this morning when he said "We haven't had to work you out of one of these for a while." So that's good I guess.

When I went to get on the elliptical this morning, I noticed that Newman's (my cat) bed was all wet. Now, I know when cats lose control of their bladders it is not a good sign, so I was freaking pretty hard on the inside. Newman is very old, about 15-17 years old. He's a rescue cat-my mom fed him for years before one day she told me about this sweet old cat with no claws who she didn't want to see spend another winter outdoors. So we adopted him, and as the years have gone by we have noticed age catching up more and more with the poor guy.Seeing his bed wet this morning was the last thing I wanted to see. Part of my deal with Newman is I feel like he's the last link to my mother. And I'm just not quite ready to lose that yet.

Weird thing though-we smelled the bed, and it didn't smell like urine. And you know cat urine is very strong. His haunches were also wet, so I'm not quite sure what is going on.

Anyhow, I washed him and his bed, and we're taking the wait and see attitude. We think he may have thrown up water-which is a symptom of-get this-acid reflux. Newman and I, avoiding spicy foods together.....

If he appears to be sick or in pain at any moment, then we will take him to the vet. But for now, I'm thinking Pepcid and a close eye on the old man.

THEN, after being on the verge of tears all morning, I had to help out with a group of developmentally/physically disabled kids. And this may sound bad, but I just keep thinking "Lula, you're losing your marbles over a cat, can you imagine what the parents of these poor kids go through on a daily basis?" Not that I won't be sad if I do lose Newman, but it kind of put a whole lot of things in perspective in a quick minute.

So.......

The MRI was clear. But I believe she is starting to feel like she's in over her head. She said she would schedule a back MRI, but "Let's wait and see what the neurologist says"

If the one on my brain cost $3000, can you imagine what the cost of one on my whole back would be? Jesus.

She also said "That's the problem with MS, the symptoms come and go, you get remissions then blah blah blah blah"

So I asked her point blank "Do you think that's what I have?"

"Well, a women your age, presenting with those symptoms, blah blah"

I think part of the problem here is my regular doctor is out on maternity leave, and this substitute just doesn't have the bedside manner required to deal with a loony tune like me.

Anyhoo, next doctor appointment Monday the 9th.

Skeered!

I am a nervous wreck. I get my MRI results at 11:30, at I'm pretty nervous about it. I'll update as soon as I can after the appointment.

I actually meant to update about a thousand times this weekend, but we stayed so busy. Housecleaning Saturday (which included making homemade beef jerky, YUM!), family movie day then dinner with my Bro on Sunday....the weekend flew by. But it was very nice, we had good quality family time.

Anyway, Happy Monday!

Me, frightened.

I'm actually a bit better today, both mentally and physically. Did you know-apple cider vinegar really does help acid reflux? Weird, huh? I took a dose last night and a dose this morning, and I'm pretty sure I'm feeling a bit better. My stomach is definitely better.

I'm so wrapped up in my health concerns that every area of my life is suffering. My relationship with my husband, my job, my relationships with my kids. Friends. The cats. My blog.

I am prone to thinking the worst, and I am aware of that in myself. I'm also pretty good about knowing when something is wrong. I've had three surgeries because I didn't feel right and lo and behold, something was wrong. I guess what I'm trying to say is, as much as I want to believe that nothing is wrong, that my symptoms were just a fluke, I truly don't believe it.

Then it leads me to things like "Will I be able to continue working? Will I end up in a wheelchair? Will I gain back all the weight I lost?-So vain! Will I lose my house? Will I ever feel normal again?"

I know I need to focus on the now, and not let my imagination get the better of me. But it's hard, very hard.

I've mentioned before the women in my family don't have very long life spans. My sister and grandmother died in their 40's, my mother in her 60's. So I've always had this sense of "What's going to get me?"

When I left the doctor's office after she told me she wanted to test me for MS, I thought 2 things.

"Well, this is what's going to get me."

And-

"At least my husband will be able to keep his promise of letting me die first."

Fine.

I'm having the MRI tomorrow. All $1300.00 dollars of it.

I swear, just when we start to get ahead, something comes up that pushes us back down. I know it's life, something we have to live with, but it's still frustrating.

Anyhoo, wish me luck.

The waiting is (almost) over-Psych!

Update: They just called and rescheduled me for the 20th. Seriously, is the whole fricking world TRYING to irritate me?


My MRI is scheduled for 3pm, Friday the 13th. The good thing is I get to leave work early, yippee!!! Glad I'm not a superstitious woman....


Wish me luck!

Update Shmupdate

I called my Doctor's office Friday to request this new batch of records be sent to the neurologist. I also told her about the loss of balance incident at the grocery store. When she heard the neurologist couldn't see me until March, she said "That is unacceptable. I'm scheduling the MRI now." So I expect to hear from the scheduling office here in a day or two.

I also have a new symptom-I don't even know how to describe it, it's like a burst of pain in my leg. It only lasts a moment, but it hurts bad enough to give me chills all over my body. Then-poof!-it's gone.

I don't know what's going on with me, and I honestly don't know if I should be preparing myself for the possibility that I have something really wrong with me. I do know that I don't feel right, and I haven't for quite a while now. I was going to put off the MRI-it's an expensive test, and with any luck it will turn out to be completely unnecessary. But something is telling me to get it done, so I'm doing it.

This is another one of those times when I really, REALLY wish my mother was still alive.

So.....

Hubbs and I were in line at the grocery store last night, and I almost fell over. I was just standing there, minding my own business, when suddenly it was like someone tilted the floor.

I've made a neurology appointment-the soonest they can see me is March 9th.

You all were right-peace of mind is better than wondering what the hell is going on.

Wish me luck!