Friday, May 30, 2008


A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. He says, "There's no charge."

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

"So I switched the heads"


I've been trying to grow out my hair. I have always had bangs, so I decided to grow them out and maybe get the all-one-length thing going. What a frickin nightmare! I almost cut my hair about a thousand times because I can't stand the way I've been wearing my hair for the last 4 months.

I'm going to a new hairdresser tomorrow-I've been happy with mine, but I need help. I am very hair challenged and I need someone to say "Why don't you do this?" Or "I think this would look good."

So, tomorrow is the day. I will either flip my noodle or be very happy.

On a side note, the new girl said "If I had my way I would give you a complete makeover." Which led to hours of me trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Bad makeup? My clothes? Am I ugly? Because that's how my brain works. Come to find out, she only meant my hair.

Happy Friday!

Book Review

Typhoid Mary by Anthony Bourdain

I loved this book-I had trouble not reading it all day at work. Anthony Bourdain is the host of "No Reservations" on The Travel Channel-and if you like him on the show, you will enjoy this book. He truly writes like he speaks. And he portrays Mary as a human being-not as some evil monster the media made her out to be. An excellent history lesson as well.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

What The French Toast?

So, my mom died a year ago. My step-dad, who was married to my mom for 28 years, is now dating, remodeling the house, giving all her stuff away-and get this-he just called me and asked me if I wanted my mom's ashes.

I know people move on at different speeds, but come on. I asked him if the new lady was moving in and he said "Well, not for a year or so."

#1. That house should have been remodeled while my mother was alive. She hated the carpet, it needed new paint, etc...

#2. I don't have room for all her stuff. So I'm going to go through it, keep what I want, share whatever anyone else wants (which so far has been nothing) and sell the rest. That's right, I said sell. Then I'm buying a goddamn pair of shoes.

#3. I don't want her ashes either. What the frick am I going to do with them? Her request was that they be kept on her desk with the ashes of her beloved dog. So now I have to take the dog ashes? Ashes should be scattered, or buried. Not kept in a box on a desk. They creep me out.

Fuck this. I feel like crying, and I'm at work. Stupid death and stupid families and stupid whoever decided what the rules are.


Yesterday I posted what I believe to be the most personal thing about myself I have ever posted. It was hard, but the purpose of this blog is twofold.

1. Free therapy
2. Maybe someone will see it and not feel alone, feel like there is hope, etc...

So, I've decided to post a little more about myself. And I'm going to start sharing more of my real thoughts and feelings, because if it's not in my head, it no longer has power.

In my time on this earth, I have been diagnosed with Anorexia, Depression, Bi-polar,Anxiety Disorder, and what I believe is Borderline Personality Disorder. I have attempted suicide many, many times. I have been homeless. I have been abused. I have done a lot-excuse me, A LOT, of really stupid self destructive things. I have been a horrible friend, wife, mother, sister, and daughter. I have lied, cheated, stolen, and been a complete bitch.

I have also found love and forgiveness from the people who matter to me most.

It has a been a long, hard road to get where I am today. I have a great job, I'm a better wife and mother, I don't break the law, and I'm a good friend. I still make mistakes-quite a few, actually. But, I'm basically happy. Yes, I can say that now. I'M HAPPY. (Except when I'm depressed)

My point is, if I can turn my life around, anyone can. I'm a miracle.

It's going to be ok. I promise.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Book Review

Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout

I love short stories, and the stories in this book all revolve around the main character, Olive. A hard women, not very friendly but very set in her ways, this book gave good insight into the life of another dysfunctional family.

On The Upswing

I have suffered from depression in all it's many forms since I was a child. It's been severe enough for me to be hospitalized, medicated, and placed under constant watch.

A few years after my husband and I got married, I was basically a stay at home mom. I watched my baby niece during the day and did whatever the hell it is stay at home moms do when their kids are in school.

It drove me nuts. Literally nuts. I took naps with the baby all day, dressing just in time to pick up my son from school. I was bored, lonely, and I felt trapped. I tried every anti-depressant you can think of, and when they didn't work, I took to burning my leg with matches, breaking a bunch of stuff in the house, and stabbing myself in the arm with a steak knife. (Luckily it was cold that day and I had on about 9 layers of clothes, so it didn't penetrate)

The decision was made for me to stop watching the baby, and either get a job or go to school, something. I started looking for work, did various temp jobs until I ended up in a career I love.

It truly saved my life. I felt like I was contributing to the family, I actually had things to talk about during dinner with my family, I made new friends-my whole life changed.

I still struggle with depression every now and then. Sometimes I just want to be left alone, sometimes I follow my husband around the house because I am in need of SOMETHING, anything to make me feel better. Sometimes I have a valid reason to be depressed, sometimes I don't. My life is better than it has ever been, but I think I'm so used to bad things in my life that my brain won't accept that all is well and just let me be.

My belief is that depression is a symptom that something is not right in your life. Work, home, friends, whatever. Something is wrong and needs be fixed. If you can analyze yourself and decide that it is just nothing, it truly is in your head, then it's time to perhaps seek help, either medication or therapy. I have heard of some people having excellent results with some of the new anti-depressants that are out there.

It does go away. Things can get better. Life can, and should be, good.

I expect to be at 85% tomorrow. I just need one more day.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008


I thought I would wait until I felt better to talk about Chicago, but by that time I will care even less than I do now. Besides, the best way out of a depression is action (so I hear). So here goes.

The flight was basically uneventful-there is no such thing as a good flight to me, but the plane didn't crash so it was ok.

We set up our display for the trade show, then visited the Shedd Aquarium and the Field Museum. Very cool-highlight of the trip.

Trade show went well, made a lot of contacts, met people face to face that I have been dealing with on the phone for the past year.

Ate at some wonderful restaurants-my favorite was Greek Islands in Greek town.

Only gained 3 pounds, which I didn't think was too bad considering I ate out at every meal. I generally try to keep my calories around 1200-1500 per day. It was not easy to do while traveling-my morning tea went from 40 calories for the home version to 240 for the Starbucks version. But I've already lost the 3 pounds, plus 1 extra so all is well.

And that is pretty much all I feel saying about Chicago. Great city. Go if you can.

Day 2

funny cat pictures & lolcats - My duhpreshun Let me show you it.
more cat pictures

Monday, May 26, 2008


I'm depressed. Don't feel like blogging. Maybe tomorrow I can share about Chicago.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Book Review

Skeletons at the Feast by Chris Bohjalian.

I'm a huge fan of his books-I don't think I have ever been disappointed in one. Skeletons is about a German family during World War 2-who finds out the hard way exactly what Hitler is up to. It's based on a true story. Very well written, hard to put down, and definitely a tear jerker. I highly recommend it.

I'm Back!!!

With lots of stories to tell. Chicago was great-but I'm having a little trouble adjusting to the time change.

More later.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Have I Mentioned

how much I hate to fly? I mean, I REALLY hate to fly. Whenever I think about it, my heart starts pounding and I have trouble breathing. I'm trying to not think about it, because it is a little early to work myself up in to a frenzy. I still have 2 days before I leave.

Jeebus, I hate to fly.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Best Day Ever

Last night was the first time I slept through the night in like a year. I have serious sleep issues, it kind of sucks. I never realized how much it wore me down until this morning-I woke up at 5:30, and felt great! I wasn't tired at all!

I jumped right up, did 15 minutes on the elliptical, sang a few songs to the cats, hugged and kissed my family, came to work AND FOUND MOM"S EARRING! It was just randomly lying on the floor next to my file cabinet.

Truly one of the best days ever.

Little Known Fact

I once made a plane stop on the runway, return to the terminal, and let me off. A big plane too-it was an American Airlines cross country flight. (Obviously pre 9/11-now I would be arrested)

I do not like to fly. I've heard all the bullshit-flying is safer, less people die, blah blah blah. It does not change the fact that I do not like to fly. And I can't fly unless I'm sedated or drunk. I start to panic, and that is not good.

Why is this relevant? Because I'm taking a 4 hour flight Sunday. And then I have to come home, so I have to do it again Thursday. NOT HAPPY. NOT HAPPY AT ALL.

Luckily, I will be both sedated and have a nip or two of alcohol in me. (Yes, I know tranquilizers and alcohol do not mix. Bite me.)

I'll be busy preparing for my trip, then actually being on my trip, then catching up with my family, so posting will be spotty over the next week and a half. But I will hopefully return with excellent stories to share.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Wow Ee Wow Wow

I LOVE Frank Sinatra. I love his movies, his singing-everything about him. He was one sharp player-the living end. And since I'm such a ring-a-ding broad, I have provided you with this link to learn to talk like he did-it's a gas!*

*Clicking the link will also help you decipher what I just said up there. And yes, I know I'm a nerd.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008


When my mother died, she had over 300 pairs of earrings. 300. I am not joking. She bought a pair every time she went shopping, and friends and family brought them back for her as souvenirs whenever they traveled. I gave most of them to the battered women's shelter when she died, but I kept the souvenir pairs, the heirloom pairs, and the pairs that I knew meant something to her. None of them were really anything I liked, but I liked having them.

After going through my mom's jewelry recently, I saw a souvenir pair (I think from her brother) of real Japanese maple leaves dipped in silver-very touristy, you've probably seen something similar. They weren't too bad, and I was sick of wearing the same earrings every day because I recently lost an earring my son had given me for my birthday. (which broke my heart, by the way-this becomes important later)

I wore the earrings to work, and work friend complimented them, and I thought "Wow, they are cute. They will join regular rotation"

I lost one today. I lost one of my dead mother's earrings. I felt bad enough when I lost one of the hoops the kid bought me for my birthday, but that felt nothing like this. I cried AT WORK. IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. I had everyone help, and we searched the bathroom, the warehouse, my office, EVERYONE'S office-work friend and I even retraced the steps of our lunchtime walk. No luck.

This is the second earring I have lost in a month, both of them very important to me. I think I will start buying cheap Wal-Mart earrings so I don't care if I lose them. Or maybe I will switch to necklaces.

Whatever. FUCK.

Perhaps I Have Lost Too Much Weight

How many cannibals could your body feed?
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The Herp

From the kid:

"A great man once said, glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. Once you get that shit on you, you won't ever get it off."

Monday, May 12, 2008

One Down, Hopefully Many More To Go

My first Mother's Day without my mother. Actually it's my second, but last year was the funeral and everything-I don't think I even noticed Mother's Day.

I spent the morning crying, then tried to keep it together for the rest of the day but it was hard. Every little thing made me want to cry. I felt like a terrible mother, I couldn't shake the sadness, blah blah blah.

My eyes feel like I was hit in the face with a frying pan.

Happy Monday.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Thanks Honey

Me: I think I have nice legs, all things considering.

Husband: Well geez honey, you're forty.

Me: ........

Husband: What? You have the legs of a 25 year old.

Me: Thank you baby. Nice save.

Friday, May 9, 2008

My Son, Again

Since we're on the subject of the hilarity that ensues in my son's life.....

I sent him this set of bleak wristbands for Christmas last year, which led to the following exchange-

Something happened that I couldn't have staged if I wanted to. I'm wearing those three bracelets you bought me and this is what happened:

"What causes do those represent?"

"Apathy, Despair, and Nihilism"

"You support Apathy?"

"No, I don't really care"

Thursday, May 8, 2008

That's My Boy!

I just received the following email from my son:

An old man here died a day after he retired. So everyone is in mourning and stuff. Well one of the engineers noticed he had left his fridge plugged in so he opened it, the dead guy had like 10 symphony chocolate bars in there. He offered them to people and everyone said no, then he offered them to me and I was like "Fuck yeah, dead guy chocolate or not, symphony bars are delicious". Then everyone laughed, then they realized how fucked up it was that I was cracking a joke and robbing a dead guys fridge of chocolate. Shame on me. SHAME!

P.S. I think this chocolate bar is the best I've ever eaten. "

Quakes And More Quakes

Just when you thought it was safe to sleep through the night. 3 quakes woke me up last night, the largest being a 3.8.

I just rehung all the small pictures on my walls too.

Will it slow down? Will it stop? Is the big one coming?

All this and more on next week's episode of The Earthquake Chronicles.

Corn Bad

Me: If you follow the diet plan of the cave man, you would be healthier. They ate fresh meat and vegetables. Grain wasn't a part of their diet.

Hubbs: They didn't plant stuff?

Me: No, I don't believe so.

Hubbs: What about the Indians? They planted stuff.

Me: Yes, corn and look how that turned out. They drink too much and lost their land.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Mom's Favorite Things

Today is the one year anniversary of my mom's death. In honor of Mom, I took today off of work and my sister in law and I are going to do a few of her favorite things-buying tacky earrings and going out to lunch.

I love you Mom.

April 12, 1938-May 7, 2007

Monday, May 5, 2008

Book Review

An Arsonist's Guide to Writers Homes In New England, by Brock Clarke

An EXCELLENT book! I loved the way the author expresses Sam's thoughts-he has a tendency to just go off on tangents, which I can totally relate to.

A very unexpected ending, it made me a little sad. Sometimes the easiest things in life are the hardest to get, and keep.

I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar

Damn I'm dating myself with the song references!

I want to a self defense class put on by my brother's martial arts teacher. Best thing I ever did! I had a blast, learned how to take a man down AND break his leg, all without weapons!

It was a 4 hour class-the teacher would show us the move, then we had to demonstrate on the men from the dojo (my brother being one of them). I trained with a guy named Ben most of the time-it was hard, because the lesson is not complete until you take your trainer down. It was hard to 'hurt' someone else, but he kept saying "It's you or me". I'm pretty bruised up and beat to hell today. I accidentally knocked the lens out of his glasses with my elbow at one point!

At the end of the class. after using all our techniques for 3 minutes on our trainer, the master asked "Does anyone want to go again?" I raised my hand, and pointed at my brother.

Woo hoo! Dropping him like a rock was the best part of the class.

I spent the evening walking around the house telling my husband and son "Attack me! Come on!" They wouldn't, but I did get to show them a few techniques.

Go me!

Friday, May 2, 2008

My Brain Hurts

So my son (12), in his infinite wisdom, informed me earlier in the week that today was an early release day at school.

I get a phone call at 12:50- "Mom, I was wrong, today is not an early release day but Mrs. ****** let me use my phone to call you and let you know."

So when I get home from work, and I'm looking through his folder, I see the early release notice.

"Is there anything you want to tell me about today?"



So I immediately call my girlfriend, who has kids in the same school.

"Did the kids have early release today?"


"You are in SO MUCH TROUBLE. What time did you get out today?"


"Are you sure?"


"Go to your room."

So he's busted. And I'm a little panicky. How the hell can I keep you safe if I don't even know where you are?

A swat for lying, no phone, tv, internet, etc...

I remember being 12.

Sometimes I think I am not cut out to be a parent. (A little late, I know) My heart breaks all the time, and I know it's just normal kid stuff, but the fear I felt when I realized I didn't know where my kid was for 2 hours? And I admit-I smelled him. For pot, booze, whatever.

Part of me wants to tell him "Dude-if you're going to lie, you need to be better at it."

Happy Friday.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Like Mother, Like Son

Me: I didn't know she was blind in one eye. Or maybe I did and forgot. I have to empty stuff out of my head or it gets too full and I forget how to walk.

My head is always full and that's why I believe random things fall out of my mouth, like right now, I just told someone I wanted to ride a pony, a mini pony, with a strong back, and a knack for basket weaving

That’s hilarious. You need a brain/mouth filter. But buy a better brand than I did, because mine barely works.

I don't have one at all, I mean, not at all, no joke. A customer called me and asked me who's fax number this is ***-***-**** and i told them Jesus, meaning the son of God.

Then I realized what I said, and I tried to play it off by saying his name is Jesus "hay-sus" then I said "Actually I'm not sure who's number that is.

And they were confused.

That is also hilarious!

Now bring me some potato chips. I’ve heard if your oldest son brings you chips from California, they have no calories.

Book Review

Stranger In Paradise by Robert B. Parker

I have read every single book Parker has written about Spenser, Jessie Stone, and Sunny Randall.

Maybe that's my problem. I really didn't enjoy this book. I read it in one day. Granted, I do read fast, but it was like I knew what was going to happen on every page.

I started reading Parker when I was about 22-23. So maybe my tastes have changed, and I just don't like his style of writing anymore. Maybe Robert Parker is the only bad habit I have that won't kill me someday.

If you'd like a story you don't have to put much effort into, say if you're flying somewhere for vacation, then this is the book for you.

(I love Robert B. Parker, I really do. I highly recommend starting with his first book and reading your way to the present. Then you can avoid the fluff of his later years.)

Why Not?

I read a lot. Sometimes I read 2 or 3 books at the same time. One at work, one next to my bed, and one on the kitchen table. (Which is an AWESOME table by the way-made in the late 1800's and we paid about $100.00 for it)

Anyhoo, I thought I would do mini reviews of my books when I finish. And the list to the upper right will be my tally of just how many books I do read in a year.

If you read my blog and say to yourself "Hey, that chick is kind of cool. A little crazy, but cool nonetheless" you might find my book reviews interesting.

If you read my blog and say to yourself "Wow, that bitch is crazy"-then fuck you. Why are you here?

I'm So Grown Up!

So, I'm at the 7-11 the other day with my younger son and my friend, and we're in line, when I realize I forgot the milk. So I run back to get it, and take my place back in line where my son and friend were waiting. (Kind of)

When I make it to the register, some cracked out broad behind me says in to her cell phone "Oh, and now I have people cutting in front of me in line." I turned around and said "Actually, I was already in line, you didn't see my family standing here waiting for me?" She got rather close to me and said "I'm not even talking to you. I don't even know you. What are you even talking about?"
Like I didn't hear what she said into her phone. Her balls were obviously WAY smaller than her mouth.

Why am I so grown up? Because a short time ago, I would have punched that bitch right in the mouth for even stepping towards me. I didn't think my son and friend would appreciate watching me being arrested.

Sometimes I hate being an adult.