Friday, February 26, 2010

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Losing it

I am, I'm losing my fucking mind. Not sure why. I have absolutely no patience, no tolerance, for any conflict right now, none. All of a sudden it's like the 3 people in my house are all after different things-this ones pushing, that one's pulling, no one will bend. I'm not in the fucking mood, I'm really not. I'm a huge raw exposed nerve right now, not because of anyone in my house, it's actually the rest of my family causing me grief, among other things. But of course everyone at home is feeling the brunt of it.

I truly don't know if I'm being unreasonable or if they are, but it needs to stop. Today.

ANYWAY......

Last week's therapy session was incredibly helpful. I've been practicing mindfulness exercises-a big part of my anxiety and PTSD is feeling disconnected and letting my anxiety run me. I've been practicing keeping myself in the moment, being aware of whats happening to me RIGHT NOW-it's actually quite helpful-I went to Trader Joe's last Friday BY MYSELF. I don't think I've gone anywhere alone in 10 years.

Hopefully the next session will be about keeping my anger in check.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Monday Blues List

1. You know you drank too much when you're still not over it 2 days later.

2. Was deeply hurt by a comment my niece made Saturday. Still not over that.

3. Worked my ass off to get my weight back down to a comfortable level, only to ruin it with beer, pizza, and sandwiches.

4. Mondays, by their very nature, suck.

5. It seems whenever I dare to venture out of my comfort zone I get hurt one way or the other. I would like to build a moat not only around my house, but around my heart as well. People suck.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Need.....pills.......

I've been trying to lay off the prescription/over the counter sleep aids. On the advice of my new awesome doctor, I have been practicing some behavior modification to learn to sleep without them.

1. The bed is for sex and sleep ONLY. If I am lying awake with my head running for more than 15 minutes, I have to get up, go in the other room, and read or watch TV until I think I can sleep. This breaks the cycle of associating bedtime with anxiety.

2. When my head does start running, I need to practice deep breathing, counting my breaths as I go. When an unpleasant thought intrudes, I'm to say "I am not thinking of you right now-you have no benefit when I'm trying to sleep." Then start counting again.

On the one hand, she is right-eventually I do fall asleep. But I feel like it is no where near enough sleep, not to mention the fact that I have bad dreams almost every night.

I am also having an issue with my older son right now, and that is the one thought I am unable to turn off. I finally fell asleep last night, only to wake up to use the bathroom and instantly start obsessing again. It's ridiculous. I am unable to let it go.

So, in the interest of my mental health, I will be asking Dr. the best way to handle this situation. Even if it means totally letting it go. I can't let myself be hurt on a daily basis, I just can't. I'm not that strong.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow's session.

P.S. How strange is it that I've never been happier, yet I'm getting my heart broken on a daily basis? I have the support of Hubbs and Youngest-what a difference they have made in my life. I'm so thankful.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

More stupid things that make me laugh

Happy

All things aside, I can honestly say I have never been happier in my life.

Just thought I'd put that out there.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Remember....

When Kilmer was hot and Cruise was sane?

val kilmer and tom cruise
see more Lol Celebs

Friday Funny

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

What the fuck 2010?

I was so excited for this year to start, just so last year would be over. Well 2010, so far you have not impressed me. Not one bit.


Frustrated.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

It's a pleased kind of beat down.....

We had sort of an anti-super bowl party Sunday. I won a DiGiorno party pack, so we invited a few people over, played games and proceeded to get very drunk.

Wirecutter came up from Cali, and he and Hubbs spent some time reloading bullets. I guess that's what you call it. We ended up staying up very, very late and getting very, very drunk.

I actually had a great time though. I had it in my head that this was my last hurrah as far as drinking and eating bad food goes, and I think I actually overdid it so much that quitting will be easy. As much as I love pizza, my acid reflux is killing me. And as much as I love beer, I do believe I can go into these next few weeks without missing it a bit.

So there you have it. Good food, good friends, and a 4.5 pound weight gain. Good times, man. Good times.

The funny thing is, part of the deal with winning the party pack was you had to agree to upload photos, and fill out surveys, and do all this stuff that I kind of didn't do. So of course, I found out today I won another one. This time I think I'm just having a few friends over for lunch. And by friends, I mean family. And by a few, I mean one. I don't think I have it in me to host another party for a long long time!

Friday, February 5, 2010

Hope

I meet with my new therapist yesterday, and I left her office with a feeling that I've never felt before (regarding my crazies anyway).

Hope.

There is hope for me. I won't always feel this way. Help is available and I can get better. I will learn how to be self aware, less afraid, and an active participant in my life.

She confirmed the PTSD, and gave me two tools to use in the immediate future to help me sleep. And by the way, I'm amazed that I was in therapy for 4 years and that woman never gave me anything but drugs. Seeing a psychologist makes a BIG difference.

I'm excited, I'm hopeful, and I'm scared-all at the same time. She said it's going to be a hard road, but I will reach my happy place.

Finally!

Friday Funny

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net