Just when you thought it was safe.....

There I was, cruising along with a deep feeling of happiness and contentment, when BOOM! It blows right up.

I totally can not handle the stress of wondering about my job anymore. I just can't. And I am constantly on the look out for a new job, and unless I want to take a cut in pay there is nothing. It's so frustrating. Do I abandon the ship before it sinks? Or stay loyal and hang in there until the last minute?

It doesn't help that there is an arrogant douchebag here that I'm pretty sure is stabbing me in the back at every moment. He took my work from me today, then an hour later when I DID MY JOB he acted like I was supposed to ask him permission or something.

It also doesn't help that Hubbs is home sick today so I am left alone with my own thoughts and to drive me insane.

I know we can and will handle whatever comes out way, but this anxiety is killing me.

It's a girl!

Youngest has a friend, we'll call her Daughter. Daughter's mom is....honestly, I don't even know what to say. The mom moved in with her boyfriend and left Daughter home alone to fend for herself. Well, she dropped off groceries once a week. Daughter also has a 16 year old sister that was left at home too-she just moved in with her boyfriend.

I understand people going through hard times, and getting all whacked in the head about their new man, but COME ON. Daughter is 14 years old! I asked her what she ate for lunch and do you know what she said? "Friend's food."

So she lives with us now. Her mom said "I don't want people thinking I'm a bad mother who just abandoned my daughter."

And you know, I'm trying not to be judgy. When it comes to not being able to take care of your kids I am the last person in the world to make that judgment call. But something about this is just rubbing me the wrong way, and I'm not sure what it is.

And I'm scared. I'm afraid we can't afford it, I'm afraid I'm going to get attached and some B.S. is going to happen. I'm afraid the mom is coming for her in a month, and I'm afraid the mom won't come for her at all.

But after seeing the inside of her house and hearing the stories of how she just basically lives alone, there is no way in hell we could have let that go on.

Monday

Oh Monday, you SUCK!!

I actually had an excellent weekend. It was nice to not have to worry about Youngest for a quick minute.

On the one hand I don't think he'll have any more problems at school, but on the other I'm freaking out. Some girl approached him and said "You really had to have blah blah arrested?" And Youngest was like "Damn right."

I've been in contact with a support group, and according to them we did all the right things, from pressing charges and notifying the school to making sure the hate crime charge was applied.

My heart is still broken, and I'm still having trouble breathing. I can't wait for this fricking school year to be over.

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Mother's Day was really nice. Received some lovely gifts, and my "new daughter" got me a really sweet card. Though we watched District 9, which I found to be incredibly sad. Not recommended Mother's Day watching.

New week, less drama. At least one can hope.

Tuesdays = bad

At least this week...

Remember how I said I was so anxious for 2010 to start? Just to get over the drama and stress of last year?

Every week, since January 1st, something lame and stressful and all around fucked has happened, starting with my eye infection on January 2nd.

This week-

My dearest friend had a seizure last night. No longer able to drive, tests, medical bills, etc... My heart breaks for her.

Hubbs had some blood work a while back, and the test came back showing he has low blood sodium. One of the causes of low blood sodium? (Which I finally got around to investigating today) Excessive beer drinking. Hello, alcoholism. Can't pretend anymore. (Though in his defense, he drinks over a gallon of water a day and is on high blood pressure meds-diuretics. And we don't eat processed food)

Today was just so high stress-worried about my friend, realizing that yes, we are probably alcoholics. And of course stress makes me want to drink, which I can't do anymore for several reasons.

Knocked off the getting my shit together horse, but god damn, I am jumping right back on.

I can drive Dear One to work- relieve some of her stress, and get to spend a little extra time with her.

Finally, a real reason to quit drinking-since none of my other real reasons have stuck.

This too shall pass.

Right?

And that's when I realized why they call it "work"

Therapy is hard. Harder than I thought it was going to be.

Part of the problem is I let my weight spiral out of control, so this week I haven't been able to soothe myself with chocolate and various treats. (Have I mentioned I work for a candy manufacturer? Try working here and not weighing 900 pounds)

I was so bitchy, and irritable, and just generally fussy yesterday I really thought about giving up.

"I'm not that bad off-screw therapy and all it's stupid rules."

"Screw being healthy and strong, I want some god damn candy. And a sammich."

Then I remembered how I can't even go out in public by myself, and how I'm plagued by fears and insecurities, and stayed on track.

The road to sanity is freaking hard, it really is. Not only have I given up all my crutches (beer, cigarettes, candy, emotional eating, sleeping at will, and Xanax)but some of my problems are getting worse before they get better(nightmares).

Anyway, I know it's all for the greater good, but god damn. Sometimes a girl just needs a beer and a cigarette.

Wow.

As much as I love Thanksgiving, I'm REALLY glad it's over. It was such a whirlwind of activity, I hardly took any pictures, and I feel like I didn't really get anything done over that entire 4 day weekend.

Dinner was delicious, I get better at making this meal every year. I even made homemade gravy for the first time, and it wasn't bad at all. The dishes the guys made were awesome as well-and it was really nice having a bit of help.

Now I feel like I need to focus on, basically, getting my shit together. I ate, drank, and smoked WAY more than I had planned to (self control? what self control?) and I am still suffering the effects of a massive carb overload. I know it's not good to try to quit too many things at once, but the drinking and smoking really need to get handled. I'm back to not drinking on week nights, which naturally cuts my smoking in half. I'll get that down for a week or two than it's time to get serious about cigarettes. I hate them-they smell, they're gross, and they are killing me. Plus they're expensive-smoking really doesn't make any sense.

Anyhow, my holiday was wonderful, as I hope it was for everyone. Time to get back on track.

And what did I learn?

I quit my training as a Crisis Call Center volunteer. The world, to me, is a very scary, very painful place. I have been through so much pain in my life-choosing to listen to it firsthand for 4 hours a week is just to much for me to handle. I had a listening shift yesterday, and I've been basically crying ever since.

So what did I learn? That sometimes strength is in knowing what you can and can't handle.

Dear Online Diary......

I'm sorry you've been so neglected lately! I've been so busy lately I'm actually having quite a bit of trouble just keeping up.

I have 7 more classes to finish this month for the Crisis Center-things should at least feel a bit more calm after that. This class every Wednesday night is kicking my ass.

Of course we still have my birthday, Thanksgiving, another holiday party, Christmas, and my wedding anniversary to go. I am SO looking forward to January!

Things have been going well, though I'm still a little concerned that I may have taken on more than I can handle with this call center. I live in a self imposed protective bubble-I don't watch the news, I don't read the paper, and I generally do a pretty good job of insulating myself from the horrors of the world. The classes are enough to send me into a downward spiral, how am I going to feel actually dealing with a woman who has just been beaten? I know I have to focus on the fact that I'm helping people, but I'm still pretty skeptical.

On that note, Sunday is my first "listening shift"-basically just hanging out and listening to the other volunteers for 4 hours. I think that will give me a good indication of if I can do this or not. And for that reason, we have moved family movie day from Sunday to Saturday this week. I need my family time, and I don't really want to just hang out and drink like I do most Saturdays.

Anyway, things are going well, I'm totally overwhelmed, and you, dear diary, are not the only thing that has been neglected lately. You should see my house.

More later.

Lula

P.S. This new plan of eating low carb/primal? Best choice I've ever made. I hit 132 pounds the other day-and bought a new pair of size 5 jeans! Pretty damn proud of that. Now it's all about the strength training.