Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Time to recharge

I have been fucking up in about 9 thousand kinds of ways lately, and my mental and physical health are both suffering. I need to recharge, and pay attention to what my mind and body need. Not want-need.

Wish me luck, self-awareness, and wisdom.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Ok, ASS.

Time to buck up and get my shit together. I've had the poor me's for too long now, and I'm over it.

I want to be lean and toned like I was last summer. I've gained 5 pounds, and I can really feel it. I've lost my workout/eat right mojo-but I figure if I just pretend I have it eventually it will come back to me. Fake it till you make it, right?

I want to not drink as much. Hmmm, how do I accomplish that? I know-drink less! I'm having a party Saturday that involves margaritas (which I actually wish I hadn't promised everyone now) but other than that, I don't see a lot of booze in my future. It damages my self esteem, it makes me feel fat, it increases my anxiety, and it makes me feel like a bad parent/wife/friend. And it costs money. Where is the fun in that?

I've been too depressed to do things I usually enjoy, like trim my rose bushes or give myself a pedicure. So last night I made myself trim the damn roses anyway, and this weekend I will be taking some time out for myself with things like a pedi and making some healthy foods I've been wanting to try.

Seriously, depression is a bad bad thing. You put off things you actually care about because you're too down in the dumps to give a shit, then it makes you feel worse about yourself for procrastinating.

Again, fake it till you make it!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Monday, I thought I would hate you less

I was really looking forward to starting this week off with a new attitude. Alas, those hopes were thrown to the floor and smashed with a hammer when I realized my face is swollen AGAIN, which makes this the 3rd god damned time this year my sinus has been infected. I have never had a sinus infection in my life, and suddenly I have 3 in less than 6 months? WHAT. THE. FUCK. Still trying to stay positive. I think I'll give the old Neti Pot a try. If I can do that without puking maybe I won't need antibiotics.

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Daughter was picked up Friday night. Still can't figure the mom out. Mentally ill? Drugs? I'm having her over for drinks Saturday, hopefully I can get some insight then.

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My therapist is now on maternity leave, so I'm on my own until October. This should be interesting.....

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Happy fucking Monday!

Friday, June 18, 2010

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

I'm depressed and I hate everything.

Slightly over dramatic, but still.

Daughter is going back to her mother this weekend. She does not want to go, not at all. She told us that her mother never wanted to be a parent before and she doesn't understand why she is trying now. She also told her mother that she wanted to stay, because we treat her like a real family.

I tried to explain that maybe her mom really does want to try, and she should at least give her a chance.

I honestly don't know what the hell is up with her mom. She wanted to pick the kids up Saturday night at 10:30 so they could help her "alphabetize the movies."

Ummm, what?

I asked her "Don't you think it would be better to let them get some sleep tonight then go help you tomorrow as originally planned?"

She flipped her SHIT. "That's my daughter and you can't tell me whether or not I can pick her up."

I said "That's not what I said, and of course I can't, I have no right to tell you that and I never would."

I did refuse to let Youngest go though, then it turned into a huge 2 day fight between daughter and her mother. And she never did pick them up, that night or the next day as she had planned.

Anyway, she has suddenly decided to take daughter back. I don't even know what to think about this woman, I really don't. Tweaker? Drunk? What?

Do you know she's never even been inside my house to see where her daughter lives? She's never once thanked me or offered to help with expenses these past few months? And what, she didn't care that the girl was home alone for 3 months, but now that somebody cares about her and is providing a safe stable environment she takes her back?

All I can do is always be here for her. I told her she can come over anytime she wants, and we will always love her.

I will miss her very much.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Monday, June 7, 2010

It's Monday!

And I don't feel like killing anybody!

We had a great weekend. Youngest took a trip to Six Flags, Daughter stayed home with us and helped us entertain 2 dear friends we haven't seen in a while. Had a bbq, which progressed into a water balloon fight with the neighbor girls down the street. Just silliness, but sometimes that is just what a body needs.

And now we go into our phase of not drinking. I'll be happy if we make it through this weekend just to break the cycle. It's time for self defense class again, so not drinking Friday is a given. I'm a little worried about coming home all pumped up on Saturday and wanting a beer or two, but I can be strong.

Besides, I will reward myself with food!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Book Review

Eat, Drink, and Be From Mississippi by Nanci Kincaid

Again, this was a book I couldn't put down the first 3/4 of it, then I had to force myself to finish to find out what happens.

2 siblings move from Mississippi to California, make their fortunes, find love, lose love, then meet a young black man from the streets who changes everything.

Predictable and cliche.

Let's review......

I spent the majority of this week feeling like shit. Not sure why. But, AGAIN, after this weekend we're going to give laying off the booze the old college try. I've pretty much felt like shit for 20 years-sick of it. If I all of a sudden feel great all the time we'll know why won't we? Though I still find it hard to believe that drinking my ass off on the weekend can still make me feel bad at the end of the week.

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I've been invited to participate in an on-line community for book lovers-reviews, etc...My first thought was "Have you read any of my book reviews?". I'm going to investigate further on Sunday and see if it's something I'd like to do. The worse that can happen is....what? People I don't know will not like what I write? I throw that out there every day!

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I told my therapist about Daughter, and apparently the way she was living is a reportable offense. So either I had to report it, or she did. But either way it had to be done because of the danger of my Dr. losing her license. I said "No offense, but I knew I shouldn't have told you." Then I called CPS. They don't even care. They recommended I get a medical release in case something happens, but other than that they don't give a shit. That was one of the hardest phone calls I've ever had to make. I really believe therapy is paying off for me. I'm so brave!

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Youngest received two awards last night for his super high grade point average-one from his school, and one from the President's Council on Achievement in Education or something to that effect. Even came with a form letter from the office of Obama himself....... he was very excited, and we are so damn proud of that kid. I really think he'll go far and live a wonderful life.

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Started smoking again, like an asshole. I haven't decided when yet, but a quit date is looming. Again. Stupid girl....

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Have a great weekend!

Friday Funny

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Thursday, June 3, 2010

And this is just what I needed!

Blah blah blah

I feel like shit. I don't know if this past weekend really ran me down that much or what but I feel like total shit. I'm overwhelmed, I'm tired, my body aches, and I could cry right this very minute.

That is all.