Sunday, May 31, 2009


Maybe I did catch this mood before it got too bad. I feel better today-kind of like I need to keep busy, but much better. I don't feel as disconnected as I did yesterday. And much less irritable.

Maybe sometimes I just need to let it consume me, without fighting it. Get it out of my system.

Just a theory.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Hello old friend

I swear, I have never felt a depressive mood coming on as strongly as I feel this one. I'm angry, irritable, uncomfortable in my own skin. I can't focus, I don't know what to do next, I'm just MAD.

It feels like an embrace-maybe an embrace from weird Uncle Dave, but an embrace nonetheless.

Maybe its progress-a step forward-identify it then deal with it. But right now, I just want to fall back in to its arms and let it consume me.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Book Review

Update-I can not get the horrific scenes from this book out of my head. It's kind of ruining my day.

Push:A Novel by Sapphire.

This book was incredibly hard to read. I actually had to skip paragraphs of it due to the graphic descriptions of abuse. But, I kept reading, thinking it was going to have some profound ending, and it did not. It just kind of ended. It's the story of an illiterate 16 year old black girl pregnant with her father's second child, and her struggles to make a better life for herself and child/children.

I prefer my books/movies/stories whatever to have solid endings, even if that ending is death. I don't mind occasionally having to wonder what happens next, but when reading such a disturbing book I really would have preferred a solid ending.

I would not recommend this book due to the subject matter. It wasn't badly written, I just don't know many people (myself included) who wouldn't be incredibly disturbed by it.

Friday Funny

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Quote of the Day

"You know, everyone assumes cave paintings were made for some sort of vaunted religious or technical purpose, but maybe in olden times they just sent their crazy people into a cave. I mean, that’s basically what we do now."

via Modcult

Book Review

Revolutionary Road by Richard Yates.

I could hardly put this book down, and I can't wait to see the movie-though of course it will be a huge disappointment compared to the book.

The story of an average American marriage in the 50's-the choices we make, the sacrifices we make, and how it can all blow up in your face.

I LOVED this book. And the twist at the end caught me totally by surprise. Read it.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Oh boy

So, my weekend. It wasn't too bad, but it was filled with excess-excess drinking, excess smoking (I know), excess food that I shouldn't have been eating. My acid reflux is in a huge flare up, nothing is working, I'm exhausted, and I feel like a big loser for doing all the things I know I shouldn't have done. And I miss my husband terribly. I feel like I haven't seen him in two weeks, and I feel so crappy right now all I want to do is sleep. Vicious cycle.

You would think at some point I would stop being a dumb ass and quit doing all the things that cause me pain-but that's too easy, right?

Anyway, sick, depressed, and back to day one of not smoking. Blah.

The only good news is I'm down a pound and a half from last Friday,not quite sure how I pulled that one off.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Too sick to blog......

so laugh at this until I feel better....

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @

Friday, May 22, 2009

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Book Review

Big Fish by Daniel Wallace.

Not bad, not bad at all. I thought I would have trouble reading it due to the subject matter-a son dealing with his father's impending death-but it didn't affect me that way at all. It did, however, give me a greater appreciation for the things our parents do, both good and bad. And it left me wishing I was able to get to know my mother a little bit better before she died.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Guess the disease

4.Massive increase in appetite
6.Sore throat
8.Sinus pain/pressure
10.Body aches
11.Trouble concentrating
12.Waking throughout the night

If you guessed nicotine withdrawal-you're correct! I don't have numbers 1 or 7 yet, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time. But, I keep telling myself this is only temporary-this will not last forever-you can do this Lula, you CAN DO IT!

And as far as number 4, I keep telling myself "You're not REALLY hungry, it's a fake hunger-it's just your body adjusting. Wait it out and drink some water." It's worked so far, though I did eat after dinner last night, but it was a salad so that's not so bad. And by the way, binging the weekend before I decided to quit smoking was a stupid thing to do. Your metabolism slows down when you quit smoking, so I really didn't need these 5 extra pounds going in to this. That's right, I gained 5 pounds since last Friday. Actually 6.5, but I've dropped 1.5 already. I'm hoping it's sodium, but it doesn't look good so far. I was about 9 million calories over my limit both Saturday and Sunday. Dumbass.

And, in the interest of not gaining weight like every person who quits smoking does, I've decided to step up my game. This morning I did 20 minutes on the elliptical on a more difficult setting than I usually do, then I threw in 10 minutes of abs. Tonight I'll do another 20-30 minute workout, with (hopefully) some more cardio thrown in. I didn't sleep well at all last night, so who knows how I'll feel by the time I get home.

This can't last too long, right??

Monday, May 18, 2009

Again, but I'm over it.

I already received another email from the Nigerian scammer. But as I mentioned in my previous post, I am quitting smoking and am in NO MOOD.

He basically just asked for a $385.00 dollar processing fee so he can send me my $876,983.00 or whatever the hell it was. Oh, and he used the new name I threw at him, Tamara Smith.

My response?

You bore me. Find someone else to play with.


Tamara Smith


Today is my second day of not smoking, and my first day of using the gum. All I can say I smoke less that 10 cigarettes a day, unless I'm drinking then that number can climb very high. But I feel like total, absolute hell. I'm very tired, WAY bitchier than I thought I would be, and for some strange reason my face feels swollen. It doesn't look swollen, but my eyes feel weird.

Anyway, they say cigarette cravings only last 2-3 minutes, and I have found that to be true. But since I skipped my morning cigarette routine, I'm craving them now. I don't even smoke when I'm at work, so craving them now is kind of irritating me. Well, everything is irritating me, so no surprise there.

I really think I'm going to succeed this time. I don't know if it's because I have the gum if I need it or if it's because I'm just ready, but whatever the reason, I'm really looking forward to becoming an ex-smoker.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Nigerian Scammer Update!

And after all this time, I thought he forgot about me.




And of course, my response-

Dear Dr./Mr. Nelson B. Collins,

I'm sorry, but who are you? And how do you know me?


Tamara Smith

I thought I'd throw in a new name to confuse him. And, I find it hilarious that he sent this response to the email I sent when I told him to burn in hell. That, and the fact that now he's DOCTOR Collins. Last time he was plain old Mr.


I am having a surprisingly good day considering how hung over I am.


I gave up on trying to keep my daily carbs below 100. In between the honey in my morning tea and the amount of fruit I eat, it was pointless. And it's not like I'm not losing/maintaining my weight.


My stop smoking date has been moved to tomorrow. Wally World didn't have the gum I wanted, so I wasn't able to get it until today. Wish me luck-I'm really going for it this time!


I stuck to my schedule and did my evening work out last night. I think that's part of the reason why I dropped a pound and a half even with all the crap I ate yesterday. Little Wing's son had a bake sale at his daycare-cookies galore! I'm afraid it's going to sneak up on me though. God forbid I gain a pound, right? I swear, I don't know why I care so much about the number. But when my scale hits 140, I freak out. I'm trim, toned, and my clothes still fit. It doesn't make any sense. And even though my scale said 138 this morning, I feel huge. Silly woman.


Happy Saturday!!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Book Review

Don't Sleep, There are Snakes by Daniel L. Everett

I REALLY enjoyed this book. The story of a Christian missionary who lives among the Piraha tribe in Brazil in order to learn their language-so he can convert them. What a surprise when it was THEY who converted HIM. A few quotes from the book-

"There was no sense of sin among the Piraha's, no need to "fix" mankind or even themselves. There was acceptance for things the way they are, by and large. No fear of death. Their faith was in themselves."

Now that's a quality I wish I had.

This also stood out to me-in regards to the Piraha's being called primitive-

"Let's ask ourselves if it is more sophisticated to look at the universe with worry, concern, and a belief that we can understand it all, or to enjoy life as it comes, recognizing the likely futility of looking for truth or God?"

I have my own views on God and religion, and they conflict, even in my own head. Even after spending many years in a religion, I still couldn't get a grip on the doctrines. I do believe in a power greater than myself-I just don't necessarily think they are watching me, ready to condemn me for making a mistake.

Anyway, enough religion. Back to your regularly scheduled blogging.

Oh yes-read the book. He does go into quite a bit of detail regarding the linguistics of an endangered language.

Bye-Bye Co-worker.....

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

This deserves it's own post

An update to the "See why it's so confusing post"-

Deirdre was kind enough to point out the following passage (passage? whatever it's called)

Leviticus 11:9-12

9 These shall ye eat of all that are in the waters: whatsoever hath fins and scales in the waters, in the seas, and in the rivers, them shall ye eat.
10 And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you:
11 They shall be even an abomination unto you; ye shall not eat of their flesh, but ye shall have their carcases in abomination.
12 Whatsoever hath no fins nor scales in the waters, that shall be an abomination unto you.

I wasn't familiar with the passage, so I used my mad Google skills, and found this website-

I do think it drives home the point-in a silly way-just how ridiculous it is to deprive a group of people of their basic human rights because THE BIBLE SAYS SO.

Burn in Hell, Shrimp Eaters!

It's worth a try!

I have a habit of forgetting the beauty that is life itself,the world around me, my family, etc.... Here are 9 ways to reconnect with the world around you.

1. Waking up in the morning saying “breathing in, I calm my body, breathing out, every cell of my body is alive.” Do this a few times with each in and out breath

2. When taking a shower, notice if your mind is already at work, bring it back to noticing the sensations of the water on your body or the smell of the soap. How amazing that we can smell at all.

3. When eating your meals during the day, pay attention to the tastes for a moment and consider all the people (including yourself) who have worked hard to get that food to your table today. Consider the fact that it took rain, soil, and sunshine to create this as well. All of this is within your food.

4. Drive to work a bit slower today, use red lights as opportunities to just breathe. Be aware that this breath just happens autonomously without your awareness most of the day and is essential for living.

5. While at work, try and see your co-workers as people with their own struggles and triumphs trying to do the best they can in this life.(Talking to you Lula!)

6. Throughout the day, if possible, send those who are struggling wishes of kindness. For example hold them in your mind and say, “May you be happy, May you be healthy, May you be free from fear, May you be safe.” If judgments arise around this, again, notice them as habits and know that wishing people well is an act that ultimately is a path toward healing yourself.

7. Driving home, reflect back on your day, what went well, what would you wish you would have done differently. Breathe in and breathe out.

8. Before stepping in the door, if you have family, take a moment to consider how you would like “to be” with your family this evening. Maybe you can set the intention for being present and kind, less reactive. Breathe in, breathe out.(Again, Lula!)

9. As you lay your bed on your pillow, look back on the day and ask yourself, “Where was wonder today?” If you are someone with a religious or spiritual inclination, you may ask “Where was God in my day today?”

via psychcentral

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

See why it's so confusing?

You are going to Hell if you…

* eat fruit from a tree less than five years old. [Lev. 19:23]
* cross-breed animals. [Lev. 19:19]
* grow two different plants in your garden. [Lev. 19:19]
* wear a cotton-polyester blend T-Shirt. [Lev. 19:19]
* read your horoscope. [Lev. 19:26]
* consult a psychic. [Lev. 19:31]
* cut your hair. [Lev. 19:27]
* trim your beard. [Lev. 19:27]
* are tattooed. [Lev. 19:28]
* plant crops for more than seven years. [Lev. 25:4, Ex. 23:10-13]
* bear a grudge. [Lev. 19:17]
* collect interest on a loan. [Ex. 22:24]
* insult a leader. [Ex. 22:27]
* mistreat a foreigner. [Ex. 22:21, 23:9]
* spread false rumors. [Ex. 23:1]

via Bits & Pieces

Did you know....

That one beer can double the acid in your stomach in less than an hour?

Me either.

Or that beer is the absolute WORST thing you can drink when you have acid reflux?

Yeah, me either.

Other things that can cause symptoms include cigarettes, chocolate, caffeine, carbonation, spicy foods, and citrus. Oh, and beef. You know, like the 120 pounds of it I just won?

I've had this burning in my chest for a month straight. Doc says if we don't get it under control in one month, I have to have an esophageal scope. And since I've never been a fan of having foreign objects forced down my throat, it's time to get serious.

I've already basically given up spicy foods, though I did have 1 bacon wrapped jalapeno this weekend. I've already given up citrus, and I switched from coffee to tea a while back. Diet Pepsi? Bye-bye!

Next step?

Beer and cigarettes. I know, right? What's the point in living a life without all the things I love?

The point is this-if I don't get this under control, there is a possibility I could get cancer. Now that's kind of out there, but still-alcohol and cigarettes also contribute to throat cancer. Why am I taking chances with my life? So I'm stopping it all.

My goal is this-first, never have a beer again. Not even this weekend. If I feel the need to drink, I will be drinking wine. I'll be a wino! But beer? I just can't.

Second-this weekend I'm buying the nicotine gum. I'm thinking I will only need two pieces a day, my morning cigarette and my after work cigarette. That's really all I smoke unless I'm drinking, and we've already solved that one haven't we?

Watch Lula have a complete meltdown in 3....2.....

Have I mentioned how much I love beer?

Book Review

Vanity Fair's Tales of Hollywood.

I'm a huge fan of old Hollywood, and this book contains stories behind several classic movies. The scandal of the Burton-Taylor romance during "Cleopatra", Marilyn Monroe's chronic lateness rearing it's head early on in "All About Eve", and many more. If you're a fan of Hollywood, you'll enjoy getting the back story on some of the classic movies of our time.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Mother's Day

I'm over it. Missing my mother, combined with some other nonsense from the weekend, has left me not really caring if I ever celebrate another mother's day again. I tried to enjoy it, I really did. Watched a couple of movies, trimmed my rose bush-but the blues have set in, and I just don't care about it anymore.

Or, in the words of Holly Golightly-"The mean reds"

"The mean reds, you mean like the blues?"

"No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?"

Friday, May 8, 2009

Thursday, May 7, 2009


I received an email yesterday informing me I was owed $850,000.00!! Can you believe it? Think of all the MEAT PACKAGES I could buy!

For some reason I decided to respond to it-I still can't stop laughing. Emails follow-

Date: Saturday, May 2, 2009, 10:15 AM

Attention ,

We have concluded to effect your payment of $850 00.00 dollars(EIGHT HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS) through western union, but the maximium amount you will be receiving each day starting from tomorrow is $5,000.00 daily until the funds is completely transfered.
Kindly Contact Western union Agent:


Though, Nelson sent $5,000.00 in your name today so contact Mr.Nelson and tell him to give you the Mtcn, sender name and question/answer to pick the $5,000.00. Pls let me know as soon as you received all your funds $850,000.00 thousand dollars Thank you.


My response-

Burn in hell asshole

His response-


Shouldn't he know who I am if he's sending me EIGHT HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS??

My response-


It's the little things.....

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Are you there Mom?

It's me, Lula.

I can't believe it's already been 2 years since you died. When I was taking care of you those last days I was so exhausted it felt like it was going on forever. Then poof!-it's 2 years later.

I feel like a completely different person than the one you knew. In some ways I'm kinder and more tolerant, and in other ways I'm a complete bitch. Well, bitch may be too strong of a word. I'm learning how to stand up for myself and not tolerate any bullshit from people. I still don't always say the right thing when I'm defending myself, but at least I have the courage to try it now.

I've lost those pesky 20 pounds that were hanging around my middle. I know you always thought I beautiful-I remember being very embarrassed on several occasions when you would introduce me as "This is my tall, beautiful, blond daughter, Lula". Thanks for that, by the way. I don't know what you would think now-given my history you would probably say I was too thin. But don't worry Ma-I'm surrounded by people who love me, and they won't let me get too skinny without staging an intervention.

Oldest had another son shortly after you died-I can't remember if I've told you that. I haven't even met him yet, and he'll be two at the end of the month. Oldest says he looks just like me-remember the baby picture where I'm shaking the prescription bottle? Spitting image! Between money, health issues, work, etc...we haven't been able to make it down. But we're going in June-I'll give them your love. Oldest is doing quite well with his business too. I've always said he was a musical genius, and as busy as his studio has been, other people think it too.

Youngest is turning into quite the little musician in his own right. I don't know where these children came up with this musical ability-it must skip a generation. Anyway, he sings, and plays guitar, and I think once his voice changes, with a few lessons, he could be very good. You should see him Mom-he's an inch taller than I am! He would tower over you, just like I did at his age.

Hubbs and I are doing quite well. It's taken us a few years, but we seem to have settled into a pretty good groove. We never have enough time together, but it is making us appreciate the time we have much more. Plus, we have stopped playing the blame game in our marriage-we have both learned to admit when we're wrong, and it's really helped.

I'd like to say I'm doing great, but on the eve of your death anniversary I don't know if I can give a fair assessment. My depressions seem to occur farther apart, but they seem to last longer and hurt more too. And my mania-I get mini spells at least once a week. I think it's why I'm so tired all the time-it's hard keeping up with my brain. But, I have learned to not let my self destructiveness and fear of abandonment run my life anymore. For the most part anyway. It's helped.

Newman died. It crushed me,Ma-I felt like he was my last link to you. Then I realized that letting go doesn't mean I'm forgetting, it means I'm getting on with my life. I've applied that theory to quite a few things regarding you, our relationship, and your death.

I don't know why it's taken me so long to realize this, but I'm starting to believe you really did the best you could, and what you thought was right. I believe when you had me committed and when you put me in foster homes you thought you were doing what was best. You knew you weren't a good mother, and the only logical thing (to you) was to give me to someone who was better equipped to raise me. I appreciate the thought behind it, I really do. But I would have rather stayed with you. And you know, children do follow in their parent's footsteps. I think that's why I made the same decisions when my children were young. I have a hard time forgiving you for the way I was raised, but I think I understand now. Does that make sense?

I appreciate all the things you did for me when I was in the midst of my madness. You held me when I cried, yelled at me when I needed it, and (as an adult) never, ever gave up. Thank you so much for that. I could not have handled one more rejection at that point in my life.

I still think of you every day. In the mornings when I'm trying to do my hair, or think of what shoes would go best with this shirt-I think "God, why couldn't I have had a mother to teach me these things?" As you know, I went into foster care right about the age when a girl is learning all the fashion/hair/makeup tips that moms teach. And then I remind myself how far I've come, and how I really appreciate and like who I am right now-would I really change it? I don't honestly know. Changing just one thing could have made me a completely different person-I don't know if I'd be willing to give up all the pain for the lessons I have learned.

I'm surrounded by a wonderful batch of women. Becky and I have renewed our friendship, I've made a new friend, and I've cut ties with the ones who hurt me. I wish you could meet Little Wing. She's so grounded and strong-I think it would make you feel good to know I have people like her in my life. And Becky-she's going through a lot of the same things you did-did she make the right choice regarding her daughter? Does it make her a bad person that she's decided to let someone else raise her? Questions we may never know the answer to, but bottom line-bad decisions do not make you a bad person. Wow. It took me 40 years to learn that. This new self awareness I have still trips me out every day.

And blogging-it's strange how you find acceptance, love, and support in the strangest places. If you were here, I think this is something you could get into. Anonymous posting of your feelings-some people are supportive, some people suck, but there is such a sense of freedom in just writing it. I could totally see you doing it.

I love you Mom. I really do. I was going to tell you what my biggest regret is in relation to you, but you know what? I don't have one. Well, that may be a lie. I regret the stupid things, like not wanting you to smoke when you had about 2 weeks left to live (who knew!), and saying I'm sorry I never became the person I would have liked you to see, but I accomplished that. When you died, I had just bought a house, I was in a happy marriage, and I had a great relationship with my children. I also had the chance to thank you, and tell you even though you made mistakes, you did the best you could and I like who I am. I didn't really believe it at the time, but now I realize the things I thought I was saying to you to make your passing easier are actually true.

When I think of your death, the thing that stands out the most is when the coroner came, and the hospice worker told me I didn't want to see them load your body onto the stretcher and out of the house. I walked into the kitchen and kept my back turned, then suddenly I realized this would be the last time I would ever feel your warmth, your body, YOU-I ran into the living room, screamed "Wait!", threw my arms around you, and just let the tears and feelings go. I held you, and talked to you, and told you how much I love you and how much you would be missed. I bring up that memory and it's like yesterday-I still physically feel the pain of having to act like an adult and pull myself off of you so they could take you away. I look at myself in that memory, and I feel so bad for that poor little 38 year old girl. But, strangely enough, it is one of the memories that I treasure the most.

I love you Mom. I'll see you, someday.



P.S. I apologize for your ashes still being hidden in my closet. What does one do with the ashes of a loved one? It will come to me, I'm sure. But if you could send me a sign, that would be great.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


I was one pound from my goal weight of 136 when we decided to have friends over for dinner. Food + Beer + Sodium = a 3.5 pound weight gain. In one day. A false gain, I've already dropped 2 back off, but still. It freaked me out a little. I'm hoping to hit 136 by Friday, since I'm taking Little Wing out for sushi for her birthday, then barbecuing at her house the next day. That's a weekend full of sodium and alcohol right there. We shall see.


Youngest just called me to let me know he was out of school, and when I answered the phone he blurted out "MEAT!". That's my boy.


The market hasn't called me yet to tell me my MEAT PACKAGE is ready. We need to buy a freezer, even though we have 2 refrigerators, because I hoard food and they are both full. And by the way, for a food hoarder like me to win 100 pounds of meat is like a DREAM COME TRUE.


Here's how goddamn crazy I am. I skipped several meals last week in the interest of dropping a few pounds. I didn't have a huge calorie deficit because I ate quite a bit during the day-I just basically followed the old tale "Don't eat after blah blah o'clock" Then I started tripping myself out because the following days at work, I kept my calories VERY low. Then I skipped a few meals at home over the weekend, and something clicked in my brain-"Ahh, yes. What a feeling of power and control to skip meals. I can do this. I can hit 136-hell, I can hit 135. How about 130? Ooh yes, 130 it is."

Then I remembered what it was like to be hospitalized and threatened with feeding tubes. So I'm over it. And now, I feel like "Wow, that was a close call. I better eat and eat in case I decide to starve myself again."



And finally, I really believe that if you just keep on trying, keep plodding along, good things will happen. So hang in there. It will come around.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Poor Sleepy Girl....

I had quite the eventful weekend, and I'm sure paying for it today. I had to work a "buy local" event for a quick minute last Saturday-but I won the grand prize BEEF PACKAGE! Not sure just how much meat it is, but I think it's at least 100 pounds. Wow.

We had friends over for dinner last night, and that turned into a later evening then we had planned. Plus, alcohol on a Sunday is NEVER a good idea.

Too tired to work, think straight,blog, etc....

Have a wonderful Monday!

Book Review

When the White House was Ours by Porter Shreve.

I really enjoyed this book. Set in Washington D.C. while Carter was in office, it's the story of a family who tries to open an "alternative school", while manly focusing on the 13 year old son who's trying to find his place in his family and the world.

Misfit child in the 70's? I can relate! Though Carter is actually the first president I remember being aware of. Every little girl wished she was Amy Carter.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Friday Funny

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @

Who are you? And what have you done with Lula?

Driving home from work last night, some woman decided she needed to be in my lane and came on over. This happens to me almost daily, and I'm usually able to swerve, or slam on my brakes, or whatever. This time, there was too much traffic for me to move, and I wasn't about to slam on my brakes. So she hit me.

I've been saying for the longest time that if someone hits me I'm going to get out of my car and BEAT THEIR ASS. People drive like idiots in this town, so I knew it was coming.

We pulled over, and I started taking pictures of the damages. I was pretty mad, but hadn't said anything yet. Some woman pulled over with us and said "Do you need a witness?" And the lady that hit me said "What did you see?" And witness said "I saw YOU pull in front of ME and hit HER."

So, fault was easily established.

She kept apologizing, and she was very shaky, and I heard myself say "It's ok-it was an accident."


I must be mellowing in my old age.