Tuesday, March 30, 2010

It's like a dream come true!

I have decided I am the perfect patient.

My Dr. has been giving me little tips and tricks to get myself through the day-everything from progressive muscle relaxation to help me sleep at night to mindfulness exercises to ward off a panic attack.

Last session, I discussed with her how when I read (or see) a sad news report or whatever it stays with me all day, effectively ruining my day. She taught me to remind myself that I can't save the world, and yes it's very sad-I'm allowed to spend a moment being sad-but then I must move on. Practicing my mindfulness exercises and telling myself "This thought is not beneficial to me right now" are ways of moving on.

Yesterday, leaving work, I saw a Doberman running down the middle of the street with a cast on his leg.

Now, 2 weeks ago, that would have made me cry and ruined my day.

My first thought was "Pull over! Read his tag! SAVE HIM!!!!!"

And then I remembered not only am I afraid of large dogs I don't know, what if he tries to bite me? I'm going to risk myself to save some dog?

So I told myself "How sad, someone isn't taking very good care of their dog. But I can't risk injury to save him. Now keep driving-pay attention to the road."

And it worked!

Then, at the end of the block, I saw a woman looking around-

Me-"Are you looking for a dog?"

Her-"Thank you, we just found his owner."

It's like I was instantly rewarded for using the tools I was given to take care of myself.

Pretty damn proud of that.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Wait, what?

Ok, I'm already rethinking that last post. One of the few things I have control over is my attitude, so here goes.

1. I knew my weight was going to go up a bit-it's water weight and bloat, why am I tripping?

2. Youngest spent the weekend with a friend (celebrating his 14th birthday!)-Friday at her house, Saturday at ours. So of course I didn't spend that much time with him, he was occupied. And Hubbs and I had a nice time Friday night. So, again, why am I tripping?

3. Well eye, you go right ahead and be infected again you ungrateful fucker. Sure, I just bought you new mascara that I will probably have to toss now, but whatever. At least I still have the eye drops from last time.

Deep breath......

Still more....

reasons why I fucking hate Mondays.

1. My weight jumped 4.5 pounds. No real surprise, I had sushi and 9000 beers this weekend. But I hiked for 45 minutes yesterday, I thought that would have helped.

2. Mondays mean the weekend is over, and I never feel like I spent enough time with my family.

3. And my all time favorite reason for hating today-my god damn eye is infected. AGAIN.


Friday, March 26, 2010


So I'm following a new random nut on twitter-joefuckingbiden

Not the real one, of course-but hilarious. Leave it to me to have to ask "Who the hell is Joe Biden?"

Hay-"The vice president, ASS"

I don't follow politics much....



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It's Friday!

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Couldn't help it.....

This made me laugh and laugh..


Wishy Washy

I have been doing really well this week-no drinking, keeping up with my workout schedule, eating right, etc....

Last night I wanted a beer-we ended up having 3, and now I feel like such a LOSER. Not sure why-I've had a lot more than that on a work night, and 3 isn't going to derail my progress.

If anything, I'm reminded why I don't like to drink on work nights-I'm super bitchy, grouchy and hungry.

I went from feeling great about my progress yesterday to hating everything today.

If I could just learn to stop beating myself up.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Monday, March 22, 2010


Friday went well, non drinking family movie night.

Saturday went not so well-we drank, but not to the point where I couldn't remember half the night. And I felt well enough Sunday to do some hiking and various other chores. So the weekend wasn't alcohol free, but I did better than I have in a long time.

So much better in fact that today is actually a good day. I'm not depressed and I don't feel like stabbing anyone.

Baby steps.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Seriously, this time I mean it.

Hubbs just got back from the doctor, and the whole blood sodium thing? Fine. His numbers were smack dab in the middle of the normal range. So me freaking out thinking we were going to die an alcoholics death were slightly unfounded.

On the other hand-god DAMN I am over drinking! I feel like shit, I'm fat, my acid reflux is crazy. I ordered new pants from Victoria's Secret and I'm seriously doubting if they're even going to fit my fat ass.

So, tonight is family movie night. Tomorrow is work out, build fence, and a whole other batch of stuff to keep myself busy. I really want to get back to how I felt and looked last Fall.

If I report back here on that I drank this weekend, somebody better love me enough to kick my ass.



Friday Funny

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Check In

Drinking? FAIL.

My weight is not good, so I won't even mention it. Fail.

Eating right? I actually think I did well on this one, snuck a little candy here and there. Well shit, technically-FAIL.

Exercise-Win! Walked/sprinted Sunday and Wednesday, lifted weights Monday and snuck in squats on Tuesday.

Now I just need to get my drinking and sugar consumption under control. I'm actually appalled at my inability to quit drinking. I promised myself a sober weekend-if that doesn't happen I don't know what to say. Rehab?

Easily amused....


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Tuesdays = bad

At least this week...

Remember how I said I was so anxious for 2010 to start? Just to get over the drama and stress of last year?

Every week, since January 1st, something lame and stressful and all around fucked has happened, starting with my eye infection on January 2nd.

This week-

My dearest friend had a seizure last night. No longer able to drive, tests, medical bills, etc... My heart breaks for her.

Hubbs had some blood work a while back, and the test came back showing he has low blood sodium. One of the causes of low blood sodium? (Which I finally got around to investigating today) Excessive beer drinking. Hello, alcoholism. Can't pretend anymore. (Though in his defense, he drinks over a gallon of water a day and is on high blood pressure meds-diuretics. And we don't eat processed food)

Today was just so high stress-worried about my friend, realizing that yes, we are probably alcoholics. And of course stress makes me want to drink, which I can't do anymore for several reasons.

Knocked off the getting my shit together horse, but god damn, I am jumping right back on.

I can drive Dear One to work- relieve some of her stress, and get to spend a little extra time with her.

Finally, a real reason to quit drinking-since none of my other real reasons have stuck.

This too shall pass.



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Saturday, March 13, 2010

Check in

So I'm a couple days late with this-I find it helps keep me accountable though, so here goes.

Diet and exercise wise I did surprisingly well this week. Started the week at 142.5 pounds-that really had me flipping my shit. Did sprints last Saturday, heavy weights Tuesday and Friday, with a day of lighter hand weight/push ups on Thursday. So I stuck to my exercise routine-go me!

Stuck to my primal eating plan-even went to In N Out for burgers and had it protein style, though I did cheat and had some fries.

Kind of failed on the drinking-went crazy Thursday night for some reason-made for an interesting day at work Friday.

Ended the week at 136.5 pounds-dropped that water weight and bloat right off!

All in all I'm happy with progress this week, though I really have to stop drinking on Thursdays. Every other Thursday is therapy day, and I promised my doctor I wouldn't drink after my sessions. I didn't have therapy this week, so technically I didn't break that promise, but I really need to build that habit. So try try again!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

And that's when I realized why they call it "work"

Therapy is hard. Harder than I thought it was going to be.

Part of the problem is I let my weight spiral out of control, so this week I haven't been able to soothe myself with chocolate and various treats. (Have I mentioned I work for a candy manufacturer? Try working here and not weighing 900 pounds)

I was so bitchy, and irritable, and just generally fussy yesterday I really thought about giving up.

"I'm not that bad off-screw therapy and all it's stupid rules."

"Screw being healthy and strong, I want some god damn candy. And a sammich."

Then I remembered how I can't even go out in public by myself, and how I'm plagued by fears and insecurities, and stayed on track.

The road to sanity is freaking hard, it really is. Not only have I given up all my crutches (beer, cigarettes, candy, emotional eating, sleeping at will, and Xanax)but some of my problems are getting worse before they get better(nightmares).

Anyway, I know it's all for the greater good, but god damn. Sometimes a girl just needs a beer and a cigarette.

Friday, March 5, 2010


Therapy went very well again yesterday. Before we start actually treating the PTSD and anxiety I have to learn ways to relax, and soothe myself, and not disassociate myself from...well, myself.

So I have some homework, quite a few things to work on actually. Doc is going to Mexico for 2 weeks, so I have some time.

The best thing I learned? Is that the coping skills that I lack-I don't have them because no one taught them to me. That simple. Made me feel not crazy.

I did promise I would work on my drinking, even the weekends. And I had to promise not to go home and drink or take any pills after our exposure therapy sessions. I'm a little scared, but I guess the coping skills will help me cope!

In between diet, working out, and mental health, I have my work cut out for me the next 3 weeks.

Looking forward to it.

Friday Funny

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Thursday, March 4, 2010



My cold is about gone, and I've finally had enough of the extra weight/sluggishness/heartburn that I've been dealing with for 3 months. Time to get back to primal living.

Lift heavy things 2-3 times a week? Check. Starting Saturday.

Move slowly, frequently? Check. Started that last night. (Had to use the elliptical-desk job, you know.)

Sprint at least once a week? Check, though I will probably do some high intensity jump rope, at least until warmer weather comes.

Cut out processed foods/grains/sugar? YES. (Just as soon as I finish this Cadbury Egg. Seriously.)

It all started with the holidays, where I thought "Well, it's Thanksgiving. I HAVE to have stuffing"

Then it was Christmas "I have to make (and eat a shit ton) of my famous Russian Tea Cakes and Rum Balls!"

Then it was the DiGiorno House Party I won-"I won all this free pizza, I have to at least sample each kind!" (Note-if you are watching your weight and need pizza, I highly recommend the Tuscan Chicken Flatbread Pizza -you can eat like a third of it and stay below 300 calories at only 25 carbs)

Then it was the Orowheat Sandwich Thins House party I won-"I LOVE sandwiches!" (Though I must say, if you're going to have a sandwich, Sandwich Thins are the way to go. Low cal and relatively low carb. Will definitely use for future cheat days. WAY in the future)

All this combined with the fact that we had to move the weight bench indoors because it's freezing outside (and makes it a pain in the ass to use with all the attachments) has resulted in constant heartburn, a feeling of general malaise, and a 9 pound weight gain. And I'm sure I've gone up in body fat.

I was so proud of myself before this downward spiral, I really was. I felt good, I looked fantastic, and I was off my reflux meds.

Not pleased. But, this is usually what it takes for me to get off my ass.

So, here we go! I'm one Cadbury egg away from my road to redemption.

I'll report back in one week-let's see if I've really had enough!

P.S. Still not smoking-unless I'm drinking. Need to work on that.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

This means you, wirecutter

So damn sick

I have been sick for a solid week, and now Hubbs has it. I'm just barely starting to feel better-hopefully I'll be up to my old tricks here soon.