Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Welcome to my world....

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Over it

I'm 10 pounds lighter than I was this time last year, but 6 pounds heavier than my lowest. I guess it's some progress, but it doesn't feel like it. Those 6 pounds have left me feeling flabby and gross. Back to calorie and carb counting-and my awesome workout schedule. I've actually missed the weight lifting, it's just going to be hard to get back on track.

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I don't know why I'm hell bent on killing myself with cigarettes, alcohol, and foods that are setting my acid reflux into overdrive. But I'm over it, I really am. Tired of feeling like shit.

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I'm sick of having to schedule my life based on my fear of crowds. For example, I can't just jump in my car and go to the mall. I have to set my alarm to make sure I'm there as soon as they open in order to avoid the crowds. Even if I'm in a group of people I know I get all shaky and weird. I hate it. I'm sure there's some kind of immersion therapy or whatever they call it when they force you to face your fears in order to get over them, but who can afford that shit.

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Just writing that last paragraph made my hands start to shake. Freak.

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And on that note, Hubbs and I are off to the DMV. Woo. Hoo.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Oh Christmas

Is feeling melancholy and sad always going to go hand in hand with Christmas or will those feelings fade?

My first thought when I woke up was-"I need to call my mom!"

Sadness.

My brother and his family came over, that was nice. We had some food, drank some beer, played a few games. I actually had a really good time.

Didn't hear from Oldest-not sure what to think about that. Hurt mainly.

Spent Saturday driving around with all the other crazy people in town trying to hit the sales-it actually wasn't too bad, we were in and out of Best Buy with surprising speed.

Took Youngest to spend some of his Christmas money, then finally did a little something for myself and bought new clothes. I actually really needed a moment to think of me.

All in all, I'm glad Christmas is over.

Now to get all this happy crappy Christmas shit out of the house.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Skeered...

This is the scariest movie I have ever seen....

Jesus Camp

And on the flip side-

http://godisimaginary.com/

Can you pick a side? Can you pick an intelligent side?

Finally!

I swear I've been looking forward to this day for a long time! It's my last day at work-then 5 days off, 2 on, and 5 more off.

I need this break! I worked my ass off all weekend, and I've overloaded on cookies, which has just left me feeling exhausted.

I only have a few more gifts to buy which I will do tomorrow, then I am officially DONE.

Can't wait!

Friday, December 18, 2009

Youngest

Back story-Youngest's "real" dad has been in and out of prison since I was 3 months pregnant. He's an addict, and has randomly been in and out of Y's life the last several years. We received a letter from him this week after not hearing from him for at least a year-he's in rehab.

I got a phone call today from the vice-principal of Y's school-

"There's been an incident-Y was pushed down-he's not hurt, but I want you to know what led to this."

What led to it is this-Y gets bullied at school-he is not an average boy, he's an artsy-fartsy kind of guy-not into sports, all the girls love him, etc...

He started, about 3 weeks ago, telling another boy in his chorus class that he is stupid, and can't sing.

The boy finally snapped today, knocked Y to the ground, and told him "Quit talking shit or I'm going to kick your ass."

I have raised my child better than that. We DO NOT bully-and whatever you are going through, let's talk about it-don't take it out on someone else.

I knew when we received the letter from his "dad" that this was going to be a bad week. It sucks-I'm torn between protecting him and not letting him see the letter, or being honest and telling him "Hey dude, we got a letter from your dad."

Apparently, the principal interviewed a few disinterested third parties, decided that this has in fact been going on for 3 weeks, and had both boys in his office.

Y at first said he couldn't remember if he had been talking smack, then kind of admitted it-and apologized to the boy.

When I spoke with Y after school, I said "You do realize you're in trouble, right?"

"Why? I didn't do anything! The principal also talked to kids who said I was innocent!"

What's a parent to do? I want to believe my son, but come on -you confessed-AND apologized!

When I got home, I told him this-

"We're going to have this conversation based on the assumption that you did what you were accused of. Number 1-are you being bullied at school?"

"Yes."

"Ok, so you know how it feels. You are are not, under any circumstances, allowed to do that to another child. I know it's not cool to tell or whatever, but if you are having problems at school you have to talk about it. If you don't want me to do anything about it, that's fine, but at the very least you have to VENT."

"Number 2-you are NEVER allowed to confess to something you didn't do (He claimed he confessed and apologized just to shut the principal up). I always have your back, and if you are innocent, I will fight to the death for you. But how can I do that when you confess?"

"Ok"

Then he broke down, and cried and cried. I told him to tell me what he's going through right now, and it led back to his dad.

My theory is this-he was probably messing with that boy, because he's getting bullied and it trickles down, and god knows what happened today-he mouthed off and the other kid snapped. I can relate to the other kid-I remember very well the same shit happening to me in 7th grade, and I finally snapped and beat the girl down. But it's not acceptable.

I think the letter from his dad just set him off. He told me the day after he received it "Everything was fine, then he had to write again."

I asked him to write a letter to his dad, and tell him the things that were bothering him-he's a grown man, he needs to know what pain his behavior causes.

I'm also going to write to him and tell him this is it-if you go off the deep end again, I will just throw away every letter you send. Then Y can make his own decisions regarding dad when he's 18.

There is nothing worse than seeing your children in pain, there really isn't.

Friday Funny

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

DAMN

My fucking head hurts!

Made it through the work week without drinking-pretty proud of that-until last night. Hubbs has a half day, Friday's are always easy, so what the hell.

Totally regretting that decision right now. There is a reason we decided not to drink on work nights, and this is it!

FUCK.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

WORD.



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via Bitsandpieces

And this is when I get in trouble.....

After so many days not drinking, my energy level skyrockets, I have trouble focusing on one thing, and I feel like an all around spaz.

This is the point in the week where I decide to drink again, not sure why.

"I feel great! Let's get drunk and fuck it up!"

I believe I can beat that feeling tonight. I will beat that feeling tonight.

Focus, Lula.....

Monday, December 14, 2009

Monday

It is bite ass cold and foggy as hell.

There's your weather report.

Sober week is back on, however-I have noticed if I talk about something too much it turns out to be harder to deal with. I'll post my failures and my little moments of win, but in general this is going to be just like every other week.

Well, except that I won't be drunk half the time.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Sober week, day 5

Due to inclement weather and lack of interest, sober week has been canceled.

Sober week will resume Sunday, December 13th, 2009.

Thank you for your patience.


Seriously, I haven't even tried this week. It's like I set myself up to piss myself off.

Dumbass. Do I want this bad enough to actually put any effort into it?

Something to think about.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Random BS

The invention of the internet, texting, and all the various social media sites are a freaking dream come true for someone like me. There is no social anxiety in typing!

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I think January 1st I'm going to go back to keeping track of all the books I've read-that includes reviewing them, good or bad. I'm not sure why I stopped-though part of it is I feel like I haven't read a decent book in a long ass time.

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It was -3 degrees when I got up this morning. I am a miserable, cold, bitchy Lula.

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Lately I have been feeling like I've lost my voice. I have nothing to say, and what I do have to say isn't important. Then I remembered that the point of this blog is to empty my damn head of thoughts that are taking up space-both the important ones and the random ones. It seems to really help me, and I'm not sure why I gave that up either. I plan to rectify that. I don't like feeling lost inside myself, and I feel that's where I'm heading. So, on-line diary, prepare yourself. The emptying is about to resume.

Sober week, day 4

Again, last night.

Well, sober week should actually be re-named "Learn a little something about yourself, Lula" week.

Yes, I drank last night. But, maybe it wasn't in vain if I take away the lesson I think I learned-it's all about habits.

I'm in the habit of drinking a few beers while Hubbs and I prepare food for the rest of the week on Tuesday nights. So to break that habit, I will be buying a variety of teas this weekend. Replace the beer with a nice relaxing herbal tea, and voila! Problem solved!

Not that it will be that easy, but it's definitely worth a try.

I'm kind of pissed that sober week is turning out to be harder than I thought, but again, if I can take away a few lessons and a greater resolve for next week then it will be worth it.

If, next week, I'm writing this exact same shit-then I'll be really pissed.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Sober week, day 3

Which was actually last night, but I'm lazy.....

The good news is, I have identified a trigger-getting off of work early! After all the snow and dangerous roads Hubbs picked me up about 2, and my brain was like "Woo hoo! Party time! Let's drink and play in the snow and wrap gifts!"

I did have 2 cups of hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps-love that stuff. But not enough to even feel it-does that count as cheating?

The bad news is, after those 2 cups I wanted more-beer beer beer! But I didn't-I took half of a xanax and just went about my business-went to bed early, and woke up very glad that I was able to fight the temptation (with Hubbs' help).

Baby steps....

Monday, December 7, 2009

Snow!

We woke up to about 6 inches of snow this morning-and it is still coming down.















Damn I wish adults got snow days!

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Sober week, day 2

Today was easy-Sundays are family day, and we never drink on Sundays anyway.

I feel good-we moved the weight bench in the house, so we got a nice WARM workout in, and I have a pretty positive attitude about this week. Strange-I'm actually looking forward to sober week!

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Sober week, day 1

Epic fail!!!

Well, epic is too strong of a word. But I did fail. My plan was to drink last night, then not again until next Friday. But there is something about decorating a Christmas tree that just calls for peppermint schnapps and hot chocolate. Then we went Christmas shopping, which requires at least 2 beers.

I do realize that my brain is just making excuses (Wal-Mart sober? No WAY!) and to be honest, I didn't really try very hard today. But on the other hand, it is Saturday. So I'm not beating myself up too much. The true test will be getting through the work week sober.

I can do this. I just need to remember that alcohol is NOT the most important thing.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Thursday, December 3, 2009

So, drinking.

I had sort of a......mini-snap the other night. Well, that's not exactly the right word. I don't know what to call it. But I do know this-I am so very lucky to have my husband by my side.

I am seriously sick of drinking. I'm sick of blurry weekends, I'm sick of spending the money, I'm sick of waking up on weekend mornings wondering what the hell I did the night before-"quick, check the internet! Did I embarrass myself?"

I don't think I made myself clear before, but I really put some effort into telling Hubbs how I felt. And how I feel is, if I don't get a grip on this I will check myself in to rehab. I just need to break this cycle.

Now, I have no desire or intention on quitting drinking. What I want is to drink like a normal person. Like special occasions, or when we have company. But this getting blasted just for the sake of getting blasted has got to stop.

I poured my heart out to Hubbs, and he said "I didn't realize you felt this strongly. I will fix it."

And you know what? I have the utmost faith that we will fix this together.

I may turn out to be one of those people who can never drink again, period. Or, I may turn out to be someone who can drink like a normal person. Time will tell I suppose.

Now, that being said, I am looking forward to both having a couple of beers Friday night with Hubbs, and then not drinking at all on Saturday. That will be a good start to a sober week.

Part of my freak out is the fact that last year over Christmas break, when we had like 10 days off, I spent the majority of it drunk. So not only did I gain 12 pounds between Thanksgiving and New Years of last year, I felt like an ass. A terrible wife, a terrible mother, etc...

This year, with all that time off, I would like to do more family activities-we have some plans for building shelves and stuff, and we bought Pictionary Man-LOVE that game. But no way in hell do I want to go back down the 10 day crazy path.

So, here I go again....

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Wow.

As much as I love Thanksgiving, I'm REALLY glad it's over. It was such a whirlwind of activity, I hardly took any pictures, and I feel like I didn't really get anything done over that entire 4 day weekend.

Dinner was delicious, I get better at making this meal every year. I even made homemade gravy for the first time, and it wasn't bad at all. The dishes the guys made were awesome as well-and it was really nice having a bit of help.

Now I feel like I need to focus on, basically, getting my shit together. I ate, drank, and smoked WAY more than I had planned to (self control? what self control?) and I am still suffering the effects of a massive carb overload. I know it's not good to try to quit too many things at once, but the drinking and smoking really need to get handled. I'm back to not drinking on week nights, which naturally cuts my smoking in half. I'll get that down for a week or two than it's time to get serious about cigarettes. I hate them-they smell, they're gross, and they are killing me. Plus they're expensive-smoking really doesn't make any sense.

Anyhow, my holiday was wonderful, as I hope it was for everyone. Time to get back on track.