Friday, October 30, 2009

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Danger ahead!

I am in a dangerous place right now. I feel so totally, completely overwhelmed with my life. There is so much going on, in between home, work functions, this damn class every Wednesday night, company on the weekends, etc etc. I'm about ready to just quit. I want to drop out of every single commitment I have made.

I guess I'll give it a week or so. But something has got to give. I'm not right.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Friday, October 16, 2009

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Wow.

Either my age is catching up with me or last weekend took more out of me than I thought.

I am EXHAUSTED. Physically exhausted. My arms feel heavy, I'm cold, slightly bitchy, and just in need of a nap. I've been in bed by 8:30 last two nights in a row and it's still not enough.

I'm run down. I miss my family. I need to work out. I have no idea what I'm making for dinner tomorrow night. I need alone time with my husband.

Friday can not come fast enough.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

I did it!

I am now a certified suicide interventionist!

Class today was hard-we had to role play and play both parts-the person in crisis and the interventionist. It was hard for me to play the person in crisis-it brought up a ton of old feelings. But it was even harder to play the care giver. It felt like there was so much pressure to say the exact right thing to get the person out of their crisis. But I learned so much, and I feel very confident in not only my ability to help someone, but in my fellow care givers to help me help the person in crisis.

And I'm certified! I'm actually really proud of myself. Not only did I handle the material and the scenarios that were thrown at me, I handled them well.

I think the most important thing I learned this weekend was the fact that dealing with these calls is emotionally draining, and not only is it ok to cry, it's ok to tell your fellow care givers that hey-that call was hard on me, can we talk about it?

And my training gives me the skills required to save a life. I can save someones life. I can recognize the cries for help and I know what to do to bring the person back to the here and now, and help them help themselves.

I'm so proud!

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Drained....

I had a 9 hour class today on suicide intervention and I must say-it kicked my ass.

Suicide has been a very common theme in my life-I had a cousin who killed himself in my driveway when I was little, I lost my father to suicide, my mother attempted it in front of me, and of course I've had my own attempts. This class today brought up a lot of memories and feelings-it was incredibly draining. I told the instructor half way through that I was totally overwhelmed, and she said that's to be expected. Which made me feel better, knowing it's a common feeling-but for a minute there I was doubting my ability to put my own experiences aside to be able to help someone.

By the end of the class I realized that while I was still feeling overwhelmed, I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. I could see how my experiences would be able to help someone in need.

I have another 9 hour class tomorrow-let's see if I still feel the same way.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Monday, October 5, 2009

Fear sets in in 3....2........

My crisis call center training begins Wednesday, with three more classes following on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. So not only will I not have a day off for another 12 days, I have to actually face my fears and GO to the classes. I do know 2 people so far, the ladies running the class, and it's my understanding that the classes are small this season-6 or so people. But still, I'm starting to get a bit panicky. I don't want to be panicked to the point of having to take a Xanax, because that will interfere with my ability to pay attention and retain anything they try to teach me. If I can just get through Wednesday, I'm sure I'll be fine. Right?

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Progress!

We took our measurements this morning, and not only did I drop a few more pounds (133.5!) but I've lost another inch off my waist and hips. It seems to be a very slow process, but what I'm doing is working. Pretty proud of that.

Funniest. Shit. Ever.

Trust me-click here.

I'm thinking angel dust? You be the judge.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Refresher course

Dear Hubbs,

I don’t know if I’ve ever thanked you, but I would like to do it now. In retrospect, I should have done it long ago. I actually should do it every day, but the world swallows me whole sometimes and I just can’t keep up.

Thank you for standing by me after you learned all my horrible, deep dark secrets. A lesser man would have run for the hills. A saner man would have run for the hills. You were able to see that even though I made a mistake or 10,000, I really was someone worth holding on to.

Thank you for standing by me when my mother was dying. I was completely bat shit insane during that time, and I probably would have gone off the deep end if it wasn’t for you. I’m generally never more than 2 steps away from falling, and during that time insanity was 1 very short step away. You held me back. You are my fence.

Thank you for still loving me when I was 35 pounds overweight and refused to wear pants. I thought if I didn’t buy pants in “that size”, it would help motivate me. That took almost a year. But as someone with an eating disorder hospitalization in her past and an incredibly skewed body image in her present, you being kind and loving (as opposed to calling me a pig or oinking when I walked by) was my saving grace. You could have crushed me, but you did not.

Thank you for understanding that sometimes going to Wal-Mart (or anywhere in public) will give me a panic attack. There is no rhyme or reason to these attacks, just the feeling that everyone is staring and thinking derogatory things. Thank you for not laughing. (it really is absurd)

Thank you for never telling me to “get over it”, whatever “it” may be. My “it’s” are generally not the “get over it” type. Mine usually involve therapy, psych meds, and refusing to clean the house for 3 months. I’m really glad you push me when I need it, and baby me when I don’t.

Thank you for not leaving when I was hurting myself and wanted to be committed. That was a very hard time for me, and you never once pointed out that I brought it on myself. Thank you.

Thank you for eating cooked carrots and brussel sprouts. I know you don’t like either one, but I do, so you tolerate them so I can have them too. If there is ever anything you want me to make you for dinner, no matter how icky I think it is, I will. Just ask.

Thank you for your patience in the bedroom. Things that bother me today may not bother me tomorrow, and vice versa. Why this hasn’t driven you bat shit crazy, I’ll never know. But thank you for understanding.
Thank you for helping me raise my youngest child. If it wasn’t for you, I might have ended up in the same boat I am currently in with my oldest. You treat him like your own, and you’re helping to make him a man. I could never do that. Thank you.

Thank you for pushing me to make friends. You know how hard it is for me, and you don’t want to see me let the good ones go. You help me a lot when you tell me “Call her” or “Go to lunch”. Thanks.

I could sit for hours detailing the many ways you have helped me, and the many, many reasons why you deserve much more than I’ll ever be able to give you. You have helped make me so much better than I was, and I get stronger every day I’m with you. I couldn’t have done all this without you, and I will love you forever.

Friday Funny

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