I'm depressed and I hate everything.

Slightly over dramatic, but still.

Daughter is going back to her mother this weekend. She does not want to go, not at all. She told us that her mother never wanted to be a parent before and she doesn't understand why she is trying now. She also told her mother that she wanted to stay, because we treat her like a real family.

I tried to explain that maybe her mom really does want to try, and she should at least give her a chance.

I honestly don't know what the hell is up with her mom. She wanted to pick the kids up Saturday night at 10:30 so they could help her "alphabetize the movies."

Ummm, what?

I asked her "Don't you think it would be better to let them get some sleep tonight then go help you tomorrow as originally planned?"

She flipped her SHIT. "That's my daughter and you can't tell me whether or not I can pick her up."

I said "That's not what I said, and of course I can't, I have no right to tell you that and I never would."

I did refuse to let Youngest go though, then it turned into a huge 2 day fight between daughter and her mother. And she never did pick them up, that night or the next day as she had planned.

Anyway, she has suddenly decided to take daughter back. I don't even know what to think about this woman, I really don't. Tweaker? Drunk? What?

Do you know she's never even been inside my house to see where her daughter lives? She's never once thanked me or offered to help with expenses these past few months? And what, she didn't care that the girl was home alone for 3 months, but now that somebody cares about her and is providing a safe stable environment she takes her back?

All I can do is always be here for her. I told her she can come over anytime she wants, and we will always love her.

I will miss her very much.

It's a girl!

Youngest has a friend, we'll call her Daughter. Daughter's mom is....honestly, I don't even know what to say. The mom moved in with her boyfriend and left Daughter home alone to fend for herself. Well, she dropped off groceries once a week. Daughter also has a 16 year old sister that was left at home too-she just moved in with her boyfriend.

I understand people going through hard times, and getting all whacked in the head about their new man, but COME ON. Daughter is 14 years old! I asked her what she ate for lunch and do you know what she said? "Friend's food."

So she lives with us now. Her mom said "I don't want people thinking I'm a bad mother who just abandoned my daughter."

And you know, I'm trying not to be judgy. When it comes to not being able to take care of your kids I am the last person in the world to make that judgment call. But something about this is just rubbing me the wrong way, and I'm not sure what it is.

And I'm scared. I'm afraid we can't afford it, I'm afraid I'm going to get attached and some B.S. is going to happen. I'm afraid the mom is coming for her in a month, and I'm afraid the mom won't come for her at all.

But after seeing the inside of her house and hearing the stories of how she just basically lives alone, there is no way in hell we could have let that go on.

My worst nightmare, part 2

Attacker arrested and suspended from school.Good, right? You'd think I'd relax a little. But no, the attacker has friends. Friends who are now giving my son the ole side eye at school.

They have all been warned by the principal that retaliation will bring terrible things upon them and their families.

But still.....

I can't handle this, living in fear. I don't know if I'm blowing it out of proportion or not, all I know is my son was hurt, who do I need to beat? Grrr, Mama bear.

Actually, my husband made me promise I wouldn't beat anybody up. I was on my way to finagle a home address out of the school then go beat down the mom for raising such a horrible, intolerant child. But I promised. So no beatings from me.

We're taking it day by day, his safety. Does he feel threatened, afraid to walk home?

I've never wanted the end of a school year to come so quickly.

I keep cruising the internet, looking for something, anything, I'm not sure what. Support? Someone else who really understands how terrified I am? A solution?

I feel like it's me against the world right now. A horrible, hateful, intolerant world.

My worst nightmare

Hate crimes (also known as bias-motivated crimes) occur when a perpetrator targets a victim because of his or her perceived membership in a certain social group, usually defined by racial group, religion, sexual orientation, disability, class, ethnicity, nationality, age, gender, gender identity, or political affiliation.

My son was assaulted after school yesterday, and yes, it's classified as a hate crime. The police are investigating and are expecting to make an arrest hopefully today.

I've lived in fear of this day since he was a little boy. What kind of children are we raising where our kids think it's ok to attack someone just because they are different? And how the hell am I supposed to keep him safe in this kind of world? Do we need to fear retaliation now? Do I need to escort him to and from school for the rest of the year? How do I keep him safe?

My heart is broken. And I am absolutely terrified that next time it will be worse.

Youngest

Back story-Youngest's "real" dad has been in and out of prison since I was 3 months pregnant. He's an addict, and has randomly been in and out of Y's life the last several years. We received a letter from him this week after not hearing from him for at least a year-he's in rehab.

I got a phone call today from the vice-principal of Y's school-

"There's been an incident-Y was pushed down-he's not hurt, but I want you to know what led to this."

What led to it is this-Y gets bullied at school-he is not an average boy, he's an artsy-fartsy kind of guy-not into sports, all the girls love him, etc...

He started, about 3 weeks ago, telling another boy in his chorus class that he is stupid, and can't sing.

The boy finally snapped today, knocked Y to the ground, and told him "Quit talking shit or I'm going to kick your ass."

I have raised my child better than that. We DO NOT bully-and whatever you are going through, let's talk about it-don't take it out on someone else.

I knew when we received the letter from his "dad" that this was going to be a bad week. It sucks-I'm torn between protecting him and not letting him see the letter, or being honest and telling him "Hey dude, we got a letter from your dad."

Apparently, the principal interviewed a few disinterested third parties, decided that this has in fact been going on for 3 weeks, and had both boys in his office.

Y at first said he couldn't remember if he had been talking smack, then kind of admitted it-and apologized to the boy.

When I spoke with Y after school, I said "You do realize you're in trouble, right?"

"Why? I didn't do anything! The principal also talked to kids who said I was innocent!"

What's a parent to do? I want to believe my son, but come on -you confessed-AND apologized!

When I got home, I told him this-

"We're going to have this conversation based on the assumption that you did what you were accused of. Number 1-are you being bullied at school?"

"Yes."

"Ok, so you know how it feels. You are are not, under any circumstances, allowed to do that to another child. I know it's not cool to tell or whatever, but if you are having problems at school you have to talk about it. If you don't want me to do anything about it, that's fine, but at the very least you have to VENT."

"Number 2-you are NEVER allowed to confess to something you didn't do (He claimed he confessed and apologized just to shut the principal up). I always have your back, and if you are innocent, I will fight to the death for you. But how can I do that when you confess?"

"Ok"

Then he broke down, and cried and cried. I told him to tell me what he's going through right now, and it led back to his dad.

My theory is this-he was probably messing with that boy, because he's getting bullied and it trickles down, and god knows what happened today-he mouthed off and the other kid snapped. I can relate to the other kid-I remember very well the same shit happening to me in 7th grade, and I finally snapped and beat the girl down. But it's not acceptable.

I think the letter from his dad just set him off. He told me the day after he received it "Everything was fine, then he had to write again."

I asked him to write a letter to his dad, and tell him the things that were bothering him-he's a grown man, he needs to know what pain his behavior causes.

I'm also going to write to him and tell him this is it-if you go off the deep end again, I will just throw away every letter you send. Then Y can make his own decisions regarding dad when he's 18.

There is nothing worse than seeing your children in pain, there really isn't.

Poor Kid

I took Youngest to get his hair cut last night, and the girl who cut it is the one who cut it before. She did a really good job last time, so I have no idea what happened this time.

He looks like he has girl hair. I feel SO bad for him. I almost let him stay home from school today, but then I thought what if we can’t fix it until Friday? I can’t let him miss 3 days of school. I also thought it would be good for him to face his fears head on, and not hide in the house like I do.

I wish I would have went with my first instinct and let him stay home. He just called and said kids have been making fun of him all day. My heart is officially broken for him.

Anyhow, I’m leaving work early to take him to a barber so we can fix it. And hopefully the kids at school will find someone else to pick on tomorrow. Little ratfuckers.

I Miss My Mom

I'm going through a very emotional family issue right now. I don't know if things will ever be ok again. I really, really wish my mom was here. I don't know why, she certainly didn't do a much better job than I did. But I wish she was here.

Posting may (or may not) be spotty for a while. I'm depressed which makes me lose interest in things. We currently have no insurance, so I can't go see my therapist for a month. I'll deal with this on my own. What else can I do?

All I can do is the best I can. I haven't always done that. I learned that lesson a little late. For now, I'm doing the best I can.

Proud Of The Boy

Youngest had his friends over 2 days in a row. They had lunch, washed daddies truck, and apparently had a popcorn fight.

Nothing too bad seems to have happened. I have a hard time trusting people in general, and it's very hard for me to trust my kid remembering what I was like. It's a learning experience for the both of us. But I think we are both doing well, and hopefully will continue to do so.

Go us!

I've Had Enough Grandchildren So Far

Today, Youngest is having a friend over to our house for the first time without adult supervision(that we can prove). A female friend.

I've told him all sorts of scary things, like sex kills, causes sores on your private parts, and makes babies. (parenting by fear)

I've also told him that if blows this, the wrath of his parents will be something he has never experienced. He will live in complete boredom and disgrace for the rest of his days. I will beat him in the kneecaps with his cell phone and light his computer on fire. I will put him in.........daycare.

The funny thing is, I'm more afraid of my house getting broken or my cats getting out than I am of him doing something he shouldn't.

I really want him to have more freedom, and it's hard for me because 1. I was a terrible child and 2. I have seen the horrific things that happen to children in this world. (reasons for #1-see #2)

At least this way he is home safe, I can call and check up on him, I can actually drop by at any time. I'm sure it will be fine.

Right?