Patience

is something I have very little of. I'm in the running for two jobs, which is good, but the waiting game is killing me! I want to know NOW. On the plus side, my house has never been cleaner.

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I'm very angry at the Catholic church. I'm not a fan of organized religion anyway, but this nonsense of comparing women in the clergy to be just as much of a crime as the sexual abuse of children is really fucking pissing me off.

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I've been cruising along the past several days not missing beer one bit. Then yesterday I had the crave bad. Might as well get it out of my system, right?

WRONG.

I feel like an asshole. Spending money on booze is a stupid thing to do. And I have a headache. But again, on the plus side, it made me realize how much I really wasn't missing it. So, back on track.

Besides, no longer working at a candy factory combined with not drinking and the weight is just melting off of me!

Wishy Washy

I have been doing really well this week-no drinking, keeping up with my workout schedule, eating right, etc....

Last night I wanted a beer-we ended up having 3, and now I feel like such a LOSER. Not sure why-I've had a lot more than that on a work night, and 3 isn't going to derail my progress.

If anything, I'm reminded why I don't like to drink on work nights-I'm super bitchy, grouchy and hungry.

I went from feeling great about my progress yesterday to hating everything today.

If I could just learn to stop beating myself up.

So....

Friday went well, non drinking family movie night.

Saturday went not so well-we drank, but not to the point where I couldn't remember half the night. And I felt well enough Sunday to do some hiking and various other chores. So the weekend wasn't alcohol free, but I did better than I have in a long time.

So much better in fact that today is actually a good day. I'm not depressed and I don't feel like stabbing anyone.

Baby steps.

Seriously, this time I mean it.

Hubbs just got back from the doctor, and the whole blood sodium thing? Fine. His numbers were smack dab in the middle of the normal range. So me freaking out thinking we were going to die an alcoholics death were slightly unfounded.

On the other hand-god DAMN I am over drinking! I feel like shit, I'm fat, my acid reflux is crazy. I ordered new pants from Victoria's Secret and I'm seriously doubting if they're even going to fit my fat ass.

So, tonight is family movie night. Tomorrow is work out, build fence, and a whole other batch of stuff to keep myself busy. I really want to get back to how I felt and looked last Fall.

If I report back here on that I drank this weekend, somebody better love me enough to kick my ass.

Check In

Drinking? FAIL.

My weight is not good, so I won't even mention it. Fail.

Eating right? I actually think I did well on this one, snuck a little candy here and there. Well shit, technically-FAIL.

Exercise-Win! Walked/sprinted Sunday and Wednesday, lifted weights Monday and snuck in squats on Tuesday.

Now I just need to get my drinking and sugar consumption under control. I'm actually appalled at my inability to quit drinking. I promised myself a sober weekend-if that doesn't happen I don't know what to say. Rehab?

Tuesdays = bad

At least this week...

Remember how I said I was so anxious for 2010 to start? Just to get over the drama and stress of last year?

Every week, since January 1st, something lame and stressful and all around fucked has happened, starting with my eye infection on January 2nd.

This week-

My dearest friend had a seizure last night. No longer able to drive, tests, medical bills, etc... My heart breaks for her.

Hubbs had some blood work a while back, and the test came back showing he has low blood sodium. One of the causes of low blood sodium? (Which I finally got around to investigating today) Excessive beer drinking. Hello, alcoholism. Can't pretend anymore. (Though in his defense, he drinks over a gallon of water a day and is on high blood pressure meds-diuretics. And we don't eat processed food)

Today was just so high stress-worried about my friend, realizing that yes, we are probably alcoholics. And of course stress makes me want to drink, which I can't do anymore for several reasons.

Knocked off the getting my shit together horse, but god damn, I am jumping right back on.

I can drive Dear One to work- relieve some of her stress, and get to spend a little extra time with her.

Finally, a real reason to quit drinking-since none of my other real reasons have stuck.

This too shall pass.

Right?

Want.

see more Work Fails & Job LOLs - Monday Through Friday

DAMN

My fucking head hurts!

Made it through the work week without drinking-pretty proud of that-until last night. Hubbs has a half day, Friday's are always easy, so what the hell.

Totally regretting that decision right now. There is a reason we decided not to drink on work nights, and this is it!

FUCK.

And this is when I get in trouble.....

After so many days not drinking, my energy level skyrockets, I have trouble focusing on one thing, and I feel like an all around spaz.

This is the point in the week where I decide to drink again, not sure why.

"I feel great! Let's get drunk and fuck it up!"

I believe I can beat that feeling tonight. I will beat that feeling tonight.

Focus, Lula.....

Monday

It is bite ass cold and foggy as hell.

There's your weather report.

Sober week is back on, however-I have noticed if I talk about something too much it turns out to be harder to deal with. I'll post my failures and my little moments of win, but in general this is going to be just like every other week.

Well, except that I won't be drunk half the time.

Sober week, day 5

Due to inclement weather and lack of interest, sober week has been canceled.

Sober week will resume Sunday, December 13th, 2009.

Thank you for your patience.


Seriously, I haven't even tried this week. It's like I set myself up to piss myself off.

Dumbass. Do I want this bad enough to actually put any effort into it?

Something to think about.

Sober week, day 4

Again, last night.

Well, sober week should actually be re-named "Learn a little something about yourself, Lula" week.

Yes, I drank last night. But, maybe it wasn't in vain if I take away the lesson I think I learned-it's all about habits.

I'm in the habit of drinking a few beers while Hubbs and I prepare food for the rest of the week on Tuesday nights. So to break that habit, I will be buying a variety of teas this weekend. Replace the beer with a nice relaxing herbal tea, and voila! Problem solved!

Not that it will be that easy, but it's definitely worth a try.

I'm kind of pissed that sober week is turning out to be harder than I thought, but again, if I can take away a few lessons and a greater resolve for next week then it will be worth it.

If, next week, I'm writing this exact same shit-then I'll be really pissed.

Sober week, day 3

Which was actually last night, but I'm lazy.....

The good news is, I have identified a trigger-getting off of work early! After all the snow and dangerous roads Hubbs picked me up about 2, and my brain was like "Woo hoo! Party time! Let's drink and play in the snow and wrap gifts!"

I did have 2 cups of hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps-love that stuff. But not enough to even feel it-does that count as cheating?

The bad news is, after those 2 cups I wanted more-beer beer beer! But I didn't-I took half of a xanax and just went about my business-went to bed early, and woke up very glad that I was able to fight the temptation (with Hubbs' help).

Baby steps....

Sober week, day 2

Today was easy-Sundays are family day, and we never drink on Sundays anyway.

I feel good-we moved the weight bench in the house, so we got a nice WARM workout in, and I have a pretty positive attitude about this week. Strange-I'm actually looking forward to sober week!

Sober week, day 1

Epic fail!!!

Well, epic is too strong of a word. But I did fail. My plan was to drink last night, then not again until next Friday. But there is something about decorating a Christmas tree that just calls for peppermint schnapps and hot chocolate. Then we went Christmas shopping, which requires at least 2 beers.

I do realize that my brain is just making excuses (Wal-Mart sober? No WAY!) and to be honest, I didn't really try very hard today. But on the other hand, it is Saturday. So I'm not beating myself up too much. The true test will be getting through the work week sober.

I can do this. I just need to remember that alcohol is NOT the most important thing.

So, drinking.

I had sort of a......mini-snap the other night. Well, that's not exactly the right word. I don't know what to call it. But I do know this-I am so very lucky to have my husband by my side.

I am seriously sick of drinking. I'm sick of blurry weekends, I'm sick of spending the money, I'm sick of waking up on weekend mornings wondering what the hell I did the night before-"quick, check the internet! Did I embarrass myself?"

I don't think I made myself clear before, but I really put some effort into telling Hubbs how I felt. And how I feel is, if I don't get a grip on this I will check myself in to rehab. I just need to break this cycle.

Now, I have no desire or intention on quitting drinking. What I want is to drink like a normal person. Like special occasions, or when we have company. But this getting blasted just for the sake of getting blasted has got to stop.

I poured my heart out to Hubbs, and he said "I didn't realize you felt this strongly. I will fix it."

And you know what? I have the utmost faith that we will fix this together.

I may turn out to be one of those people who can never drink again, period. Or, I may turn out to be someone who can drink like a normal person. Time will tell I suppose.

Now, that being said, I am looking forward to both having a couple of beers Friday night with Hubbs, and then not drinking at all on Saturday. That will be a good start to a sober week.

Part of my freak out is the fact that last year over Christmas break, when we had like 10 days off, I spent the majority of it drunk. So not only did I gain 12 pounds between Thanksgiving and New Years of last year, I felt like an ass. A terrible wife, a terrible mother, etc...

This year, with all that time off, I would like to do more family activities-we have some plans for building shelves and stuff, and we bought Pictionary Man-LOVE that game. But no way in hell do I want to go back down the 10 day crazy path.

So, here I go again....