Nobody stands....

between me and my man.....

Best weekend EVER

Hubbs and I went to Winnemucca for the weekend-little teeny town about 2 hours from here.

Learned to dance the 2 step with a cowboy, went on a walking tour of historic buildings, and had a delicious Basque meal.

Exhausted. But in a wonderful, fabulous, loving the hell out of my husband kind of way.

Seriously, this time I mean it.

Hubbs just got back from the doctor, and the whole blood sodium thing? Fine. His numbers were smack dab in the middle of the normal range. So me freaking out thinking we were going to die an alcoholics death were slightly unfounded.

On the other hand-god DAMN I am over drinking! I feel like shit, I'm fat, my acid reflux is crazy. I ordered new pants from Victoria's Secret and I'm seriously doubting if they're even going to fit my fat ass.

So, tonight is family movie night. Tomorrow is work out, build fence, and a whole other batch of stuff to keep myself busy. I really want to get back to how I felt and looked last Fall.

If I report back here on that I drank this weekend, somebody better love me enough to kick my ass.

And this is why I love him

Me: I'm sorry I'm so spazzy and can't focus on one thing

Hubbs: You know, I love the way you get so excited over things-it's like you're 12 years old inside-so I can't really get mad when that carries over to things I'd rather not see you get so spazzy about. It's a trade off, and it's worth it to see you so happy.

Refresher course

Dear Hubbs,

I don’t know if I’ve ever thanked you, but I would like to do it now. In retrospect, I should have done it long ago. I actually should do it every day, but the world swallows me whole sometimes and I just can’t keep up.

Thank you for standing by me after you learned all my horrible, deep dark secrets. A lesser man would have run for the hills. A saner man would have run for the hills. You were able to see that even though I made a mistake or 10,000, I really was someone worth holding on to.

Thank you for standing by me when my mother was dying. I was completely bat shit insane during that time, and I probably would have gone off the deep end if it wasn’t for you. I’m generally never more than 2 steps away from falling, and during that time insanity was 1 very short step away. You held me back. You are my fence.

Thank you for still loving me when I was 35 pounds overweight and refused to wear pants. I thought if I didn’t buy pants in “that size”, it would help motivate me. That took almost a year. But as someone with an eating disorder hospitalization in her past and an incredibly skewed body image in her present, you being kind and loving (as opposed to calling me a pig or oinking when I walked by) was my saving grace. You could have crushed me, but you did not.

Thank you for understanding that sometimes going to Wal-Mart (or anywhere in public) will give me a panic attack. There is no rhyme or reason to these attacks, just the feeling that everyone is staring and thinking derogatory things. Thank you for not laughing. (it really is absurd)

Thank you for never telling me to “get over it”, whatever “it” may be. My “it’s” are generally not the “get over it” type. Mine usually involve therapy, psych meds, and refusing to clean the house for 3 months. I’m really glad you push me when I need it, and baby me when I don’t.

Thank you for not leaving when I was hurting myself and wanted to be committed. That was a very hard time for me, and you never once pointed out that I brought it on myself. Thank you.

Thank you for eating cooked carrots and brussel sprouts. I know you don’t like either one, but I do, so you tolerate them so I can have them too. If there is ever anything you want me to make you for dinner, no matter how icky I think it is, I will. Just ask.

Thank you for your patience in the bedroom. Things that bother me today may not bother me tomorrow, and vice versa. Why this hasn’t driven you bat shit crazy, I’ll never know. But thank you for understanding.
Thank you for helping me raise my youngest child. If it wasn’t for you, I might have ended up in the same boat I am currently in with my oldest. You treat him like your own, and you’re helping to make him a man. I could never do that. Thank you.

Thank you for pushing me to make friends. You know how hard it is for me, and you don’t want to see me let the good ones go. You help me a lot when you tell me “Call her” or “Go to lunch”. Thanks.

I could sit for hours detailing the many ways you have helped me, and the many, many reasons why you deserve much more than I’ll ever be able to give you. You have helped make me so much better than I was, and I get stronger every day I’m with you. I couldn’t have done all this without you, and I will love you forever.

He just gets me

Me: "I love you so much I want to punch you in the face as hard as I can"

Hubbs: "I love you too baby"

Saturday

We had THE best time on our Bodie trip Saturday!

We met Wirecutter (click the link to check out his blog-your daily dash of humor!) in Bridgeport about 10:30-he thinks he was late but we really didn't notice. Gave us a chance to people watch and read for a minute-then started the trek to Bodie. It's about 15 miles from Bridgeport, CA-the last 3 are on a very bumpy dirt/gravel road. I had already been doing my happy/excited dance all morning-but once the town came into view I could barely contain myself!



That is a view of the town from the cemetery-it's the best overall view. You can see that it was actually a good sized town.

There are quite a few homes and businesses you can peek into and get a really good feeling of how people lived back then. I don't remember the exact dates, but the town started as a booming mining town around 1860 and remained occupied until the early 1930's. The state of California eventually stepped in and made it a state park in the early 1970's I believe.

I took close to 200 pictures, so I'm just going to post the ones that really touched me-otherwise this would be the longest blog post EVER.







Looking into the homes, you can imagine what life must have been like. Can you imagine being a wife and mother in 1870? Wearing those big heavy dresses, having to gather wood for your cooking, water from down at the river, all the while trying to keep your children safe from the debauchery while praying to God your husband made it home from the mine? It gives me chills, it really does.

And check this out-they used burlap to insulate their houses, poor things. It can snow up to 6 feet in Bodie-I can't even imagine what it must have been like trying to stay warm.



Hubbs and Wirecutter-look at that glassed in front porch-



No matter where we go, Hubbs can ALWAYS find an interesting car to look at-





And yes, that includes wagons-look at the axle, I'm pretty sure it's a tree branch.



The houses of prostitution and most of the bars burned in one of the fires, but the street where the ladies were located was called Maiden Lane, or Virgin Alley. So I thought I'd get a picture of my sweet innocent self next to the sign-



A shot of a gambling hall-





And check out the legs on this billiards table-thanks to Wirecutter for pointing out it was a billiards table, not a pool table. I didn't even notice!



Hubbs and I-Wirecutter knows a good spot for a photo! I love the ivy growing over the railing-



Wirecutter and I-by the way, I decided that this was the first annual Bloggers to Bodie run-it needs to be a tradition. I'm thinking next time we get a camp space for the night.




He's a really great guy-low key, no bullshit-we got along great. And his knowledge of Bodie is impressive.

It's very easy to get overwhelmed with not just the information, but the feeling of how hard life was back then. We took a cruise through the museum (which was packed with people-I actually took one step in, was about to turn around and go back out, when I realized that the guys were right behind me. I almost lost it there for a sec, but I was saved from myself at the last minute!), and saw some very interesting things-jewelry and hair combs, shoes and old maps-it was really cool.

I'd be very interested to learn more about the attitude toward death back then, and the mourning practices. Not that there was a lot of time to mourn-you couldn't take a day off from fetching water and firewood- but check this out-




That struck me as incredibly romantic.

And the hearse-why did it become uncivilized to drive through down with the casket in plain view?






We visited the cemetery last, and it got to be a bit much for me. The majority of the graves were for children-that and the fact that there were so many unmarked, I started to get quite overwhelmed.









This first picture is of a monument to Rosa May, one of the prostitutes in Bodie. I love this picture-you can really sense Wirecutters feelings for the history and hardship these people faced. And I love Hubbs' look of curiosity. The second picture is of her actual grave, several feet away. She wasn't allowed to be buried in the cemetery-God forbid she should lay next to "respectable" folks.







All in all, we had one of the best days we've had in a long time. Good friends, good food, and a day of learning, exploring and hanging out. Not only did we picnic (well, tailgate) but I splurged and had SAMMICHES! Gotta toss the diet out the window every now and again. Though I'm sure hiking around town for 4 hours burned off a ton of calories.

Thanks again to Wirecutter-he really helped bring the town alive for us. We could not ask for a better tour guide.

Oh Hubbs

I seriously could not live without my husband. I had some weird moments yesterday-mostly due to drinking too much the night before-where I felt weepy, and dumb, and second guessed my every move from the day before.

Hubbs just pulled me on to his lap, rubbed my head, and said all the right things. I really do not know what I would do without that man. He's my perfect balance, he keeps me sane, safe, and happy.

I love you baby.

My Husband....

has the patience of a saint.

is very tolerant of my crazy.

has helped me be less crazy.

is the smartest man I know.

can fix anything.

is one handsome bastard.

is the best I've ever had.

has made me the happiest woman alive.

is an excellent father.

is very forgiving.

looks at me like no other man ever has.

treats me better than I've ever been treated.

knows me better than I know myself, and yet still adores me.

is 47 years old today.

Happy Birthday honey, I love you!!

True Love

Me: Why do you love me so much when I'm so crazy and fucked up in the head?

Hubbs: You're an honest crazy.

Me: Not a deceitful crazy?

Hubbs: Exactly.

Movie Moment

After discussing exes, past lives, etc...

Me: Are you happier now then you were before?

Hubbs: Define happy.

Me: A feeling of joy, or elation.

Hubbs: Yes, I am. And I'll tell you-I'm a better man, and more of a man, then I've ever been.

Hubbs and Lula

Saturday

My my-what a day so far!

It actually started yesterday-when I came home from work, Hubbs informed me that our vacuum had broken. This actually made me very happy, because we have been using an ancient 9000 pound Kirby for quite a while, and I hated it. So much so that I don't even think I've vacuumed this house since we bought it. Husband or Youngest always do it for me. But still, it meant money spent that we hadn't planned on.

This morning, I woke up, started a load of laundry, used the bathroom-and the toilet started overflowing. Weird, because it was just a normal bathroom usage, nothing out of the ordinary if you know what I mean. Youngest's toilet was also acting goofy, and while trying to fix it we realized the washer was backing up into his shower. (Let's call the landlord-oh yeah, we own this place.)

Now, we had plans today, plans that included finishing the trim on all the new windows, and painting, and taking time out to write another story, and of course mom/wife stuff-all the laundry, cleaning bathrooms, etc...

Hubbs and Youngest finally went under the house and realized there was some sort of clog that required calling a plumber. Great, there's God knows how much more money spent we hadn't planned on.

I called the plumber, explained the situation, and told him that the clean out drain was under the house.

"No problem, $85.00 and he'll be there in an hour."

Thank GOD, because I had already pee'd in the yard once-not having a working toilet does not work for me AT ALL. And $85.00? Not so bad.

When the guy showed up, he said "Oh, under the house? I can't do that, it's too unsafe. I need to call another guy, we'll go on the roof, and it's $175.00"

Hubbs came in, explained what the guy said, and at this point I was like-"Whatever-I have to pee again, I haven't showered, and it's 11am."

He decided to try the toilets and lo and behold-they worked! He ran the showers-drained fine!

So with plunger in hand, he went outside, told the plumber "You quoted my wife one amount over the phone, but now that the job's easier you want to charge me more? Never mind-get your shit and get out of here."

Now granted, the problem is obviously not fixed. Temporarily yes, but now (hopefully) we can wait until next weekend, rent a snake thingie (technical term), and fix it ourselves. Whatever the clog was, it's gone for now.

The vision of my husband, plunger in hand, telling the plumber to F off and get the hell out of here-I was suddenly able to see the humor in the whole thing.

Go Hubbs!

So……Tired…….

We had quite the eventful weekend here in Lulaland. We spent Saturday installing our last window, and I FINALLY started painting my living room. We bought the house almost 2 years ago, and it took me this long to decide on a color. It turned out beautiful.

Sunday we played tourist and took Youngest to Virginia City. We had lunch, and I decided to splurge and have a hot pastrami sandwich. I skipped breakfast, and I figured with all the walking it would all work out. WRONG! I gained 5 pounds IN ONE DAY! I know it’s mostly the sodium and it will drop right back down tomorrow, but it was shocking to see my weight go from 138 to 143 in one day!

After lunch Hubbs and I took an old time photo (Youngest didn’t want to)-me as saloon girl and Hubbs as my cowboy. It turned out well-Hubbs has the perfect old west look about him. A couple of tattoos are showing, but it’s very cute. If I can scan it and upload it I’ll share it here.

We decided to have a couple beers with lunch, and that turned it to a couple more once we got home. I didn’t feel like cooking dinner, so we took the boy to a little pub and had sandwiches for dinner. I tried to have chicken wings thinking they were the most diet friendly thing on the menu, but they were so salty (?) I only ate about 4 of them.

So, I lost time on my non-drinking streak, but I am more than willing to start over. I don’t like feeling this tired-it makes for a very unproductive work day.

How was your weekend?

She's A Maniac......Maniac......

I have been going through it lately. Depressed, anxious, can't sit still, etc...

My husband and I were sitting on the bed this morning and he said-

"Do you know what I think your problem is?"

I, of course, panic.

Hubbs-"You're depressed, but you're in manic mode. You can't focus or finish a thought."

Me-"That's what you think?"

Hubbs-"Yes, I do. It's been coming on for a while now."

Me-"What am I going to make for dinner tonight? And what exactly are we doing today? Are we painting?.....Oh my god, you're right."

It made me want to cry, the realization that he was so much more aware of my current mental condition than I am.

I'm thankful that he is aware, and able to help me through this. And that he realizes when I interrupt him or change the subject I'm not being rude, I just can't focus right now. My thoughts are flying at me, I can't make a decision, and the world is currently a very scary place.

Old Woman

I am now convinced it will only be a matter of moments before I am dead. I have found several gray hairs in the past week, and now I need 2 pairs of glasses. Or bifocals. Whichever makes me feel older, I suppose. When I tried on my new glasses, I said “Something isn’t right. Check the prescription please.” Which of course matched the prescription I was given. “But I can’t see that sign over there, and with my old ones I could see (slightly) far away AND (slightly) close up.”

My new glasses are readers. To be used to read. Not walk, drive, or talk to the person 5 feet in front of me. To read and work on the computer ONLY.

Apparently, my last pair were distance glasses, which is why I could see a little bit better when on the computer as opposed to not wearing them at all.

Since I can’t walk with them on, I see a variety of irritating things in my future.

1. I forget to leave them on my desk, which means I take them off wherever I am. Which means I will lose them soon.
2. I carry them to my destination since I forgot to leave them on my desk, and when I get to, let's say the bathroom, I realize I either have to put them on or set them down on the counter in a public bathroom that hardly gets cleaned. Hmmmm, should I put them on and risk walking in to the wall, or set them down and get E. coli of the face?
3. I carry them everywhere I go, and since I get excitable and talk with my hands, they will at some point, either hit someone in the face, or bounce off a wall.

Or, best of all, Hubbs’ suggestion.

4. Get an old lady chain.

Funny how I went from an object of desire for a 16 year old boy to a bifocal needing, granny chain wearing old bat in less than a week.

I cried to Hubbs “It’s not fair! I’m not ready to get old! Why don’t you need glasses, you’re older than I am!”

His answer? “It’s all the glaucoma medicine I smoked”

Nice.

P.S. My ass looks GREAT in my new jeans. Thanks Work Friend who needs a new nickname, and will get one as soon as I can come up with one or two words that do you justice!

A Letter To My Husband

Dear Hubbs,

I don’t know if I’ve ever thanked you, but I would like to do it now. In retrospect, I should have done it long ago. I actually should do it every day, but the world swallows me whole sometimes and I just can’t keep up.

Thank you for standing by me after you learned all my horrible, deep dark secrets. A lesser man would have run for the hills. A saner man would have run for the hills. You were able to see that even though I made a mistake or 10,000, I really was someone worth holding on to.

Thank you for standing by me when my mother was dying. I was completely bat shit insane during that time, and I probably would have gone off the deep end if it wasn’t for you. I’m generally never more than 2 steps away from falling, and during that time insanity was 1 very short step away. You held me back. You are my fence.

Thank you for still loving me when I was 35 pounds overweight and refused to wear pants. I thought if I didn’t buy pants in “that size”, it would help motivate me. That took almost a year. But as someone with an eating disorder hospitalization in her past and an incredibly skewed body image in her present, you being kind and loving (as opposed to calling me a pig or oinking when I walked by) was my saving grace. You could have crushed me, but you did not.

Thank you for understanding that sometimes going to Wal-Mart (or anywhere in public) will give me a panic attack. There is no rhyme or reason to these attacks, just the feeling that everyone is staring and thinking derogatory things. Thank you for not laughing. (it really is absurd)

Thank you for never telling me to “get over it”, whatever “it” may be. My “it’s” are generally not the “get over it” type. Mine usually involve therapy, psych meds, and refusing to clean the house for 3 months. I’m really glad you push me when I need it, and baby me when I don’t.

Thank you for not leaving when I was hurting myself and wanted to be committed. That was a very hard time for me, and you never once pointed out that I brought it on myself. Thank you.

Thank you for eating cooked carrots and brussel sprouts. I know you don’t like either one, but I do, so you tolerate them so I can have them too. If there is ever anything you want me to make you for dinner, no matter how icky I think it is, I will. Just ask.

Thank you for your patience in the bedroom. Things that bother me today may not bother me tomorrow, and vice versa. Why this hasn’t driven you bat shit crazy, I’ll never know. But thank you for understanding.

Thank you for helping me raise my youngest child. You treat him like your own, and you’re helping to make him a man. I could never do that. Thank you.

Thank you for pushing me to make friends. You know how hard it is for me, and you don’t want to see me let the good ones go. You help me a lot when you tell me “Call her” or “Go to lunch”. Thanks.

I could sit for hours detailing the many ways you have helped me, and the many, many reasons why you deserve much more than I’ll ever be able to give you. You have helped make me so much better than I was, and I get stronger every day I’m with you. I couldn’t have done all this without you, and I will love you forever.

I Am A FREAK

Hubbs gets off of work a half an hour before I do. When I got home last night, he wasn't there.

"Maybe I left earlier than I thought"

"Maybe he had to stay late"

"Maybe he's dead on the side of the road, and I'm not going to know until the highway patrol comes knocking on my door at midnight"

"Oh my God, who would I call to come stay with Youngest? How can I face life without him? I knew this was too good to be true. I KNEW something terrible was going to happen."

Hubbs pulls up, about 30 minutes late.

"Where were you? I thought you were dead!"

"I told you I had to go drug test for my new job"

"Oh yeah"

Excessive

We had a very nice weekend. Hubbs had a great party, and Saturday we spent the day with my brother and his family. I love family days.

Saturday night, I decided to tie one on and thought it would be best if we slept at Brothers. As we were sitting and chatting, Youngest said "All you guys ever do is drink, smoke, and go to the bar."

Now, that isn't true. Obviously. But the fact that that is Youngest's perception of us-it makes me want to quit even more. So, I had zero cigarettes yesterday, and 3 so far today. That will be my smoking. The morning smoke will be the hardest to give up, so I'm starting with the evening.

We have beer in the house. I don't know how many, but it would make me very very happy if that beer is all the beer we have for, oh, I don't know-the next month?

Life isn't that bad. I do not need to be medicated to get through it. Besides, I'm charging everyone for each day I don't smoke. I've made $2.00 so far.

New Favorite Saying

Hubbs: I have no clean jeans in the closet.

Me: You know why? Cause they are all in the dryer. Ooh, wicked burn!

Hubbs: I didn't even say anything bad.

Me: Just let me have my fun.