Friday, October 2, 2009

Refresher course

Dear Hubbs,

I don’t know if I’ve ever thanked you, but I would like to do it now. In retrospect, I should have done it long ago. I actually should do it every day, but the world swallows me whole sometimes and I just can’t keep up.

Thank you for standing by me after you learned all my horrible, deep dark secrets. A lesser man would have run for the hills. A saner man would have run for the hills. You were able to see that even though I made a mistake or 10,000, I really was someone worth holding on to.

Thank you for standing by me when my mother was dying. I was completely bat shit insane during that time, and I probably would have gone off the deep end if it wasn’t for you. I’m generally never more than 2 steps away from falling, and during that time insanity was 1 very short step away. You held me back. You are my fence.

Thank you for still loving me when I was 35 pounds overweight and refused to wear pants. I thought if I didn’t buy pants in “that size”, it would help motivate me. That took almost a year. But as someone with an eating disorder hospitalization in her past and an incredibly skewed body image in her present, you being kind and loving (as opposed to calling me a pig or oinking when I walked by) was my saving grace. You could have crushed me, but you did not.

Thank you for understanding that sometimes going to Wal-Mart (or anywhere in public) will give me a panic attack. There is no rhyme or reason to these attacks, just the feeling that everyone is staring and thinking derogatory things. Thank you for not laughing. (it really is absurd)

Thank you for never telling me to “get over it”, whatever “it” may be. My “it’s” are generally not the “get over it” type. Mine usually involve therapy, psych meds, and refusing to clean the house for 3 months. I’m really glad you push me when I need it, and baby me when I don’t.

Thank you for not leaving when I was hurting myself and wanted to be committed. That was a very hard time for me, and you never once pointed out that I brought it on myself. Thank you.

Thank you for eating cooked carrots and brussel sprouts. I know you don’t like either one, but I do, so you tolerate them so I can have them too. If there is ever anything you want me to make you for dinner, no matter how icky I think it is, I will. Just ask.

Thank you for your patience in the bedroom. Things that bother me today may not bother me tomorrow, and vice versa. Why this hasn’t driven you bat shit crazy, I’ll never know. But thank you for understanding.
Thank you for helping me raise my youngest child. If it wasn’t for you, I might have ended up in the same boat I am currently in with my oldest. You treat him like your own, and you’re helping to make him a man. I could never do that. Thank you.

Thank you for pushing me to make friends. You know how hard it is for me, and you don’t want to see me let the good ones go. You help me a lot when you tell me “Call her” or “Go to lunch”. Thanks.

I could sit for hours detailing the many ways you have helped me, and the many, many reasons why you deserve much more than I’ll ever be able to give you. You have helped make me so much better than I was, and I get stronger every day I’m with you. I couldn’t have done all this without you, and I will love you forever.


hubbs said...

You are very very worth everything I do sweetheart.

Lula said...

Damn I love you