Over it

I'm 10 pounds lighter than I was this time last year, but 6 pounds heavier than my lowest. I guess it's some progress, but it doesn't feel like it. Those 6 pounds have left me feeling flabby and gross. Back to calorie and carb counting-and my awesome workout schedule. I've actually missed the weight lifting, it's just going to be hard to get back on track.

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I don't know why I'm hell bent on killing myself with cigarettes, alcohol, and foods that are setting my acid reflux into overdrive. But I'm over it, I really am. Tired of feeling like shit.

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I'm sick of having to schedule my life based on my fear of crowds. For example, I can't just jump in my car and go to the mall. I have to set my alarm to make sure I'm there as soon as they open in order to avoid the crowds. Even if I'm in a group of people I know I get all shaky and weird. I hate it. I'm sure there's some kind of immersion therapy or whatever they call it when they force you to face your fears in order to get over them, but who can afford that shit.

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Just writing that last paragraph made my hands start to shake. Freak.

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And on that note, Hubbs and I are off to the DMV. Woo. Hoo.