I had therapy yesterday, and I was once again amazed at how much it helps.
I've had a rough week-haven't even wanted to try any of my new coping skills. I just wanted to drink.
Now Mom's birthday is Monday, so when I saw my doctor I told her I've been having a rough time, and "maybe it has something to do with my Mom."
And then I burst into tears.
I'm sad that I never had a chance to be a normal child. I'm sad that my entire life has revolved around fear. I'm sad that my mother died without ever teaching me the skills I need to cope with this world.
BUT-sad is hard, and painful, and scary. So I turn it into anger-which I have learned is a common response, but not a healthy one. If you don't deal with your emotions, they will never go away.
So yesterday I learned it's ok, even healthy to cry (the horror!). In fact, it was suggested to me that if I need to cry, maybe I should just go close myself up in my bedroom and DO IT!
I also learned how to stop turning that sadness into anger, and to mourn the loss of the mother I never had, and the little girl I never was.