Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Me, frightened.

I'm actually a bit better today, both mentally and physically. Did you know-apple cider vinegar really does help acid reflux? Weird, huh? I took a dose last night and a dose this morning, and I'm pretty sure I'm feeling a bit better. My stomach is definitely better.

I'm so wrapped up in my health concerns that every area of my life is suffering. My relationship with my husband, my job, my relationships with my kids. Friends. The cats. My blog.

I am prone to thinking the worst, and I am aware of that in myself. I'm also pretty good about knowing when something is wrong. I've had three surgeries because I didn't feel right and lo and behold, something was wrong. I guess what I'm trying to say is, as much as I want to believe that nothing is wrong, that my symptoms were just a fluke, I truly don't believe it.

Then it leads me to things like "Will I be able to continue working? Will I end up in a wheelchair? Will I gain back all the weight I lost?-So vain! Will I lose my house? Will I ever feel normal again?"

I know I need to focus on the now, and not let my imagination get the better of me. But it's hard, very hard.

I've mentioned before the women in my family don't have very long life spans. My sister and grandmother died in their 40's, my mother in her 60's. So I've always had this sense of "What's going to get me?"

When I left the doctor's office after she told me she wanted to test me for MS, I thought 2 things.

"Well, this is what's going to get me."


"At least my husband will be able to keep his promise of letting me die first."


wirecutter said...

Lula, PLEASE don't let your health worries affect your relationship with Hubbs. He's the one person that will always be there for you IF you let him.

Lula said...

I know, you're right. I need to get my shit together.