Saturday, March 28, 2009

Make it STOP

I have had a really bad case of the wants lately. I'm not normally like this, and I've been studying myself trying to figure out why.

I think I'm focusing on stupid things instead of focusing on the things that are really bothering me. Clothes, money, whatever. When really-who cares? I have everything I need, and I mean everything. My husband adores me, and there is nothing he wouldn't do for me. My children are healthy, happy, and safe. My home is my own. I love my car. I have a semi well paying job. So why do I suddenly find myself comparing me to everyone around me?

Hubbs taught me a valuable lesson last night-"Run your own race." Instead of worrying about what she has, or how much money he makes, just live your own life. If you waste your time comparing yourself to other people you will go insane. So, run your own race.

I'm trying-I really am. But right now, running my own race means focusing on me, and I just can't.

My cat is on the downhill slide. It happened again, and now I'm sure-he is losing bladder control in his sleep. I know it's just a cat, blah blah blah, but I am severely fucked in the head over this.

My son's (I don't even want to say father, because Hubbs is his father) dna donor didn't even send a card or call on his 13th birthday. He's a teenager now, and that ass couldn't even acknowledge it? It broke my heart when Youngest looked at me and said "Was there anything in the mail for me?" and I had to say "No."

Life is too much for me right now, it really is. It's been a solid week that I've been trapped in this mood, and I just want it to stop. I'm tired. And oh so very sad. Deep down, heart broken sad.


Miyonao said...

From "Interview with God"...

To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but who they have in their lives.

To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. There will be others better or worse than they are.

Your husband is smart! "Run your own race" can summarize the both.

Lula said...

Thanks Miyonao, you are exactly right.

Nikki Simmons said...

Hubbs sounds awesome. Is this depression seasonal? I get this way sometimes during Spring. Hang in there,sweetie- we all love you!

Lula said...

Thanks Nikki. It's not seasonal, it's just me building things up in my head until it EXPLODES!