Book Review

The Insufficiency of Maps by Nora Pierce

This book is about a young Indian (feather not dot) girl who ends up in foster care due to her mother's schizophrenia. It was easy to relate to the feelings the girl was going through, since I was in foster care too. It was a sad book, and I didn't care much for the ending, but it was an easy read.

Book Review

Northline by Willie Vlautin

I am becoming a huge fan of Willie Vlautin. His books are set in Reno, which is kind of fun to picture the characters in places I have been.

He writes about people I think of as being on the fringes of society, and he does an excellent job portraying them-their thoughts and feelings, hopes and dreams.

An excellent book.

Alcohol Chronicles, Day 2

I made it through the day! I fought with the husband a little bit, but that just reinforced my desire to stop frickin drinking. If we wouldn't have been drunk the day before, I think we wouldn't have fought yesterday.

I watered my garden, did some laundry, read 2 entire novels, and was able to have some snacks because I didn't have a ton of calories alloted to beer.

So far so good!

Alcohol Chronicles, Day 1

My husband is very against pill taking. Specifically, he is very against me taking Campral. So we made a deal. If we can get through the next 4 days without drinking, I won't ask the doctor for it.

Today is day one. We have a nice relaxing day planned watching movies and doing garden stuff.

If I can't get through the next 4 days, then I really have a problem. Let's find out!

Book Review

Nefertiti by Michelle Moran.

LOVED it! I have always been fascinated by Ancient Egypt, and Michelle Moran has taken all available history on Nefertiti and her family and created a fantastic novel, full of history, yet not at all boring. Read it!

Patterns

I am so very glad it is finally Friday. We have had such a busy week, and I am exhausted. To recap-

Tuesday-Garden Friend came over, just to inspect and give advice. We drank beer, and he stayed until 10pm. Made it to bed by 10:30pm.

Wednesday-Best Friend From 6th Grade came to town, so we went out for a few drinks, then met up with Husband and Garden Friend to look at some classic cars, then went and had one more drink and a sandwich. Made it to bed by 11pm.

Thursday-Got my tattoo zapped again. This was the most painful one yet. She has not seen the progress she would like, so she cranked up the laser. I had to ask her to stop 4 times, which is a first for me.

In my rush to get home, I flew by a cop, who proceeded to get behind me, then pull up next to me, asked me to roll down my window, and said "You are going way too fast. Slow down. " "Yes Sir!" And thanks, that was close!

It's hard to sleep when you have red hot freshly lasered flesh. I should have taken a pain pill, but instead I decided to work in my garden, do some laundry and light house cleaning, and have a few beers. Made it to bed by 10pm, but tossed and turned starting about 2:30am (have I mentioned I'm up at 5:30-6:00 am?)

Now, I'm sensing a pattern here. Every single thing I do revolves around alcohol. I do not like it.
I do not want my life, my every evening, to revolve around alcohol. I'm asking Doctor for that damn pill next week. That is what I feel I need to do to get back on track. It's all about breaking cycles, and habits. I want to have a few beers on the weekends only, I do not want to drink EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.

Happy Friday

The Husband And I, 10 Years

see more crazy cat pics

I Can't Breathe!

Northern California is on fire, and all the smoke is drifting here, where it is blanketing our lovely city and wreaking havoc with everything. Visibility is poor, there have been car accidents, people with asthma or any other breathing problems are being advised not to leave the house, etc..

As for me, my head hurts, my eyes hurt, I'm having trouble breathing, and I look like I've been hit in the face with a frying pan.

I love this place!

Rest In Peace

George Carlin passed away from heart failure. He was 71.

He made me laugh, a lot. The world is that much less funny without him.

Bye George. And thank you.

Click here for a site devoted to George, and have a laugh in his memory.

Drunky McDrunkerson

I just received a text message from my brother asking me when I was going to quit drinking. I told him tonight was my first night. He said "good, quit before it kills you."

I am worried about myself. I have overcome much worse things then this, so I know I can do it. I don't know what set me off on this path, but it needs to change immediately. I swear I can hear my liver crying.

Wish me luck. Or pray for me. Whatevs.

Lula, Thy Name Is Cow

So I have had one hell of a few days. I sent my youngest on a plane across the country (too old to fly as an unaccompanied minor) which flipped my lid. So I proceeded to go out and get very drunk that day. A stupid excuse, I know. I seem to be having a little problem with alcohol. So much so that when I go see my new doctor here in a week or so I'm going to ask about the new pill I've read about, Campral.

Anyway, the stress and complete lack of self control have led to an eating binge as well. I have gained 8 pounds. In one week. Moo.

Self esteem-0. Alcohol-1.

I will win this.

Book Review

The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards.

Meh. This book started out strong, but it took me almost a week to finish the last few chapters because it went so slowly.

I recommend it only if there are no other options, like if you find it on a plane.

Things I Have Learned

1. If you have one person you can absolutely trust, you are blessed.
2. The speed in which children go from Elmo to Emo is head spinning.
3. Once I acknowledge my interest in something, I lose interest. I blame fear.
4. I am addicted to carbs.
5. I'm afraid of people.
6. Setting a good example for your children is harder than you think.
7. I do not have a female best friend.
8. I have no self confidence.
9. I am grateful to have the love of my children.
10. I hate to work.
11. I'm not a very good housekeeper.
12. If it won't be important in 5 years, it isn't important now.
13. Sometimes strength is letting things go.
14. I am a terrible driver.
15. I'm kind of weird.
16. I am the luckiest person I know.

Stupid Yard Sale

I really really wanted to give away my mom's stuff to someone who would be happy to receive it. There was hardly even any interest in her stuff. Not the porcelain dolls, not the carousel horses, nothing. I know the economy is tanking and everyone is broke, but COME ON. It hurt my feelings.

I did give a porcelain doll to a little girl for free. She walked away with a big smile on her face. It almost made me cry.

I donated everything to the SPCA thrift store. Mom loved animals.

I miss her. A lot.

Grrrrr

I mean GERD. That's what is wrong with me. Basically, acid reflux. There is a ball of acid sitting in my esophagus and that's why I'm having chest pain. What the frick? My husband-"Well, we are getting old honey"

I went to urgent care for that?

Freaking OUT

Let's analyze this freak out, and see what we can do.

1. The kid isn't flying out tomorrow-the midwest is flooded and Grams can't get to the airport. The flight has been changed. Reason to freak? Not really

2. The yard sale has been moved to tomorrow. Reason to freak? A little, because now I have 10 million things to do tonight. But I'm sure it can be handled.

3. I took nothing out for dinner tonight, because tonight was supposed to be pizza and movie night with the kid. Reason to freak? Not really. Hubbs said we could buy dinner at Raley's.

4. Chest pain. My chest hurts, especially when I swallow. And I have some weird, deep chest cough that hurts. Reason to freak? Possibly. I think I'm going to urgent care this morning.

All in all, everything is able to be handled. But again, several things at once tend to freak me out.

Deep breath. Ouch.

Happy Friday

Don't Bother

The new Adam Sandler movie is lame.

But, it was nice spending the day with the kid. We shopped, had sandwiches, saw the movie. Not a bad day at all.

Who Knew?

That you weren't supposed to floss temporary crowns? I didn't, and I apparently broke the seal, which is allowing air/cold drinks/food etc.. to get to my exposed tooth. It hurts like a bastard right now, so I'm off to the dentist.

Tomorrow my young son and I are spending the day together before he goes on his trip-we will be seeing the new Adam Sandler movie, shopping, then he has a dentist appointment. Maybe I'll do a movie review!

Who Would Have Thought?

Sunday is laundry day. I like to start the week off with every speck of clothing in the house clean. When I was folding a load of jeans, I saw what I thought was grease on a pair of my husbands pants. "Thats weird, I don't remember him getting greasy this week."
Then I noticed it was on every pair. I was very pissed, and confused because I've never had grease spread in the washer before. I took them back out to re-wash, when I heard a clunking in the dryer. You will never guess what it was.

An eyeliner pencil. Black. THAT WAS IN MY SON'S POCKET. Yes, my son thinks he's some kind of emo kid, and he thinks he can wear eyeliner.

I never thought I would hear myself tell my son he was not allowed to wear makeup.

So, $200 worth of ruined clothes later-hopefully he gets the picture. I'm making him buy my replacement clothes. I told him he can make payments, I won't take the money all at once, but my favorite Levi's, my Guess jeans, and a new denim skirt-all ruined.

Damn kids these days.

They're Back.....

The earthquakes that is. We had 4 of them yesterday, all over 3.0. The highest was a 3.9, and it really shook the house. No damage, same old story. The cats are freaked out again though, poor things.

Mother Nature hates us here.

Me, This Week

more cat pictures

Book Review

Bright Shiny Morning by James Frey

I LOVED this book. It is the story (stories) of several people and how they ended up in Los Angeles, and what happens to their dreams once they get here. (Oops, I mean there. I don't live there anymore. I'm leaving the typo)

I could not put it down, and I cried on several different occasions. James Frey has really redeemed himself. Highly HIGHLY recommended.

Bi-Polar Baby

I was going to post today that I feel I'm on the upswing. Then I remembered I just posted that exact thing. So I went through my posts, and I'm realizing that I'm either depressed or thinking I'm on the upswing. I don't really know if I'm Bi-polar or not. Which is going to make the next thing I say sound really stupid but-even though I have been twice diagnosed, I don't think I am, unless it's possible to be just a touch bi-polar. You know, like kind of pregnant?

Seriously, I do have some crazy mood swings, and I do get in a bit of a manic state in my head sometimes, where it feels like all the thoughts are flying at me. But I've never done things like stayed up for 3 days straight painting my house or whatever.

I discussed this with the hubbs last night, and I'm considering going back to therapy. I should be happier than I've ever been, and I'm just not. And there's really no good reason. I think it may be time to deal with all the deep inside black stuff.

Happy Friday

Enemy, Thy Name Is Food

I was hospitalized with an eating disorder when I was 12-13. It was horrible. I was skin and bones, being threatened with being fed through tubes, blah blah blah.

Since then, my weight has fluctuated between 125 and 167 pounds. Except when I was pregnant, when I hit a whopping 194.

When I realized I was getting quite large again, I started dieting. I decided to change the entire way I eat, forever, not just to lose the weight. No fast food, no high fructose corn syrup, etc..

I lost 20 pounds, and I feel pretty good at 137.

Then, the anniversary of my mom's death. Then Mother's Day. Then this nonsense with my step dad.

I CAN NOT STOP EATING. And it's bad stuff, like cheese nips and candy, hot and spicy pork rinds and bread.

I caught myself saying"Come on Lulabelle-you have starved yourself before. You can do it again. Remember how you used to blah blah blah? It will work again."

Umm, self? No. That is not the answer. Identify your depression, spend some time thinking about why you are sad, cry if you need to, be angry if you need to, but please PLEASE do not starve yourself again.

What's really pathetic is I've only gained 4 pounds, which I've already lost 1.5 of. I just keep trying to remind myself that 300 calories worth of nips is not worth an hour on the elliptical. And that I'm not a failure because I gained a few. And I should probably share my feelings more. Because holding all that crap inside leads to very disordered eating for me.

New Teeth!

I went to the dentist to get fitted for my bridge. No longer will I look like a crackhead! No longer will I cover my mouth when I smile! I can't wait.

I'm in pain today. But that's ok, it's worth it.

Better. Or Worse?

I went through mom's stuff last night. Well, the first batch of it. And I ended up OUTRAGED. My step dad said he was going to donate all the stuff if I didn't come get it. When I went through the boxes, I found not just her knick knacks, but family pictures, childhood trophies, gifts we had given her, etc... You would think he would have set that stuff aside, separate from the donate boxes.
Again, whatever. I spoke with my sister in law, made her promise not to tell my brother, then told her the story. She was appalled. She'll be coming over soon to take the things she wants for her and her daughter, and my brother.

As angry as all this made me, I actually felt better when I woke up today. I'm not sure if it's because I'm moving forward with distributing her stuff, or if I just needed to share my feelings with someone who was outraged too. At any rate, I don't hate my hair and the world in general as much as I did yesterday. Funny how that works.

Book Review

Losing It by Valerie Bertinelli.
An inspirational book, it made me rethink some of my eating habits. She isn't the best writer in the world, and she uses a lot of cliches. The last chapter also made me feel like she wrote the book solely to sing the praises of Jenny Craig. It was interesting hearing about her marriage to Eddie Van Halen though. An easy way to pass some time.

Book Review

The Day I Ate Whatever I Wanted by Elizabeth Berg

I've been a fan of her writing for some time-this book felt more directed at older women, but I could still identify with the themes and feelings of each story. Well, mostly. She does have a way of making me cry though, so with all the crap I'm going through right now, I had to skip a few stories, like the one about the dog.

Stories about marriage, children, divorce, widowhood, and obviously, eating whatever you want just once.

All in all, not a bad way to spend an afternoon.

Sick Of Myself

I am hateful, angry, weepy, and easily frustrated today.

I think I'm only capable of handling one emotional drama at a time. And right now, all my mother's things are sitting on my back patio, waiting for me to decide what to keep and what to sell. So everything else going on is way blown out of proportion.

Every time I look in the mirror, I want to scream. (Don't judge me-you have no idea what in my life caused me to be so neurotic)

We are having a Grand Opening at work this weekend-and were advised to "put away" anything valuable. Why do people need to see the offices when they are touring the manufacturing facility? That just highly irritated me. I'm taking home my things and leaving them there. I don't need sticky children or intoxicated adults touching my stuff.

I wish I would have called in sick. Take a nice quiet me day, in bed with the kitties, reading all day.

Hopefully my anger scent is wafting through the office and everyone will leave me the hell alone for the rest of the day.

My Hair

more cat pictures

Cry Baby

I've been crying for 2 days.

I picked up mom's stuff from my step dad-there is not a trace of her left. No a picture, not a knick knack-nothing. Whatever. I guess some people move on faster than others.

Clark Gable and Carole Lombard were the loves of each others lives. When Carole Lombard's plane crashed, Clark was devastated. He eventually remarried and even had children. When he died some 30 years later, he was buried next to Carole Lombard. His current wife understood that Carole was the love of his life, and respected his wishes. Apparently step dad feels differently.

I got my hair cut-HATE it! It's really not a bad cut, if you're into Jennifer Aniston circa Friends 1994-ish.

It's only hair, and it will grow back. I just wasn't in the mood for this right now.

Happy Sunday