Enemy, Thy Name Is Food

I was hospitalized with an eating disorder when I was 12-13. It was horrible. I was skin and bones, being threatened with being fed through tubes, blah blah blah.

Since then, my weight has fluctuated between 125 and 167 pounds. Except when I was pregnant, when I hit a whopping 194.

When I realized I was getting quite large again, I started dieting. I decided to change the entire way I eat, forever, not just to lose the weight. No fast food, no high fructose corn syrup, etc..

I lost 20 pounds, and I feel pretty good at 137.

Then, the anniversary of my mom's death. Then Mother's Day. Then this nonsense with my step dad.

I CAN NOT STOP EATING. And it's bad stuff, like cheese nips and candy, hot and spicy pork rinds and bread.

I caught myself saying"Come on Lulabelle-you have starved yourself before. You can do it again. Remember how you used to blah blah blah? It will work again."

Umm, self? No. That is not the answer. Identify your depression, spend some time thinking about why you are sad, cry if you need to, be angry if you need to, but please PLEASE do not starve yourself again.

What's really pathetic is I've only gained 4 pounds, which I've already lost 1.5 of. I just keep trying to remind myself that 300 calories worth of nips is not worth an hour on the elliptical. And that I'm not a failure because I gained a few. And I should probably share my feelings more. Because holding all that crap inside leads to very disordered eating for me.