Thursday, August 21, 2008

Self Aware?

About 2 weeks ago, I went into this binge period of eating, drinking, and smoking. Add a little depression to the mix, and things have been a little unbalanced in my head.

I could not figure out why I had no self control. It was freaking me out because after losing 20 pounds, any weight gain makes me feel like I'm going to gain it all back.

The other night, Hubbs lay next to me on the bed and asked what was going on with me.

"I don't know, I'm fine."

"You've been this way for 2 weeks. Maybe it's time to talk to me."

"I will if I need to."

The next morning, I realized that 2 weeks ago was when he put in his 2 week notice. So maybe me wanting to eat constantly was a reaction to that. I have serious food hoarding issues (Work Friend thinks it's because I was raised Mormon, I think it's because we were poor). If I have less than 5 pounds of frozen chicken breasts in the freezer, I freak. If I can see the shelves in the refrigerator, I panic.

Once I realized that was the issue, I calmed down. I did not overeat yesterday, I only had 4 cigarettes, and I had no alcohol.

Gluttony, thy name is childhood trauma.


Annie said...

Wow, I forgot that "raised Mormon thing."

True, I TOTALLY have my "religious bias's. Mormon's, and right-wing baptists are on my "oh my god, what are they THINKING" list.

'Course if you talk to my #2 son, #3 child, I raised my kids as heathens. Maybe that wasn't the word he used, but something close to that. Which is fine! I wasn't one for loading my kids up with garbage that I was not even sure about MYSELF! I went from Lutheran, to Jehovah's, back to childhood Episcopalian, to now a questioning multi-theoist. Attend Episcopal to please Chuck. Which is where I am headed this morning--along with a Kansas goat-roper pot luck. Yikes!! Cheers, and I'm out-a here.

LulaBelle said...

I would like to believe in something, but I have found the older I get, the less I believe in a god. At least the bible version. I believe in some sort of 'higher power', I'm just not sure what exactly.

Then again, tomorrow I will have a totally different opinion!