Saturday, May 30, 2009

Hello old friend

I swear, I have never felt a depressive mood coming on as strongly as I feel this one. I'm angry, irritable, uncomfortable in my own skin. I can't focus, I don't know what to do next, I'm just MAD.

It feels like an embrace-maybe an embrace from weird Uncle Dave, but an embrace nonetheless.

Maybe its progress-a step forward-identify it then deal with it. But right now, I just want to fall back in to its arms and let it consume me.


Deirdre Bunny said...

I have developed this habit of pretending it isn't there when I'm around others, because if anything, this sort of thing has done a number on my past relationships. but somedays are harder than others. Much harder.

For instance, that anger you speak of - I know it. I shake with it and the almost permanent snare has pressed into my face. Most times I end up falling into it - because fighting it is so much harder. i wish I could fight it, I use to do a better job, but these days, I've barely any strength at all and I'll succumb to that anger and disgust that makes my skin prickle with rage. In some ways though it's almost like a wee slice of... freedom. Does that makes sense? Somedays the only time I will smile is when I'm angry and thinking of all the terrible things I am prone to think. A soul twisted in pain and glee.

But, it may be different for me. I can be mad and be me - I mean, the ME now. The Host. But when it gets to rage, thats usually during the changeover, or shift and I'm not entirely me. Sometimes I'm not me at all.

Anyway, I just wanted to say not to feel bad about wanting to fall into it's embrace. There are few safe havens for breeds like our own, and sometimes we must take what we can get in whatever form it comes.

*Big Saturday Gaywad Hug* and hope you have a better weekend with the kids and your guy =)


Lula said...

That totally makes sense. It's just easier to go with it, I think. There's only so much fighting one can do.

I appreciate the hug, right back at ya!