Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I Can See The Light

I'm feeling better. Not 100%, but much better.

I'm not really clear on what left me feeling so hopeless. It was bad there for a minute. I considered going to the hospital Monday before I decided to just start talking to myself to get out of it. I have identified two things that were bothering me, but I think the real problem is that little voice in my head.

My weekend didn't end like I wanted it too, with family movie day. Youngest was at my brother's, and by the time he got home and we had dinner, we discovered the DVD we were going to watch didn't work. I didn't have a bad day, it just didn't go as planned.

I'm also feeling completely overwhelmed at work. I have a report due on January 30, and another one due this Friday. So I get the voice in my head telling me it's too hard, I'm not smart enough, I'm just going to fail anyway, I'll lose my job, my house, and everything I love-on and on and on. It's horrible, it really is. Sometimes it's like my brain is on this endless loop of replaying every dumb thing I've ever done and I just can't shut it up.

I'm feeling a bit more confident today, though I had a bad night last night. Listened to the voice until about 11pm before I finally took a Xanax so I could sleep.

I'm just going to continue doing the things that are expected of me, keep trying to silence the voice, and try REALLY hard not to shut down completely.

4 comments:

Miyonao said...

It happens to me too, Lulabelle. All those negative voices that won't shut up. I used to read a writing (from the audio set called "Overcoming Social Anxiety, step by step") called "Automatic Negative Thought Stoppage" everyday just to pound in my brain that all my negative thoughts are incorrect. So when next time I get a negative thought bothering me, I can catch it and get rid of it. I haven't read it for a while(as I changed to read "37 Practices of a Bodhisattva
" which is absolutely great too).

LulaBelle said...

Maybe I should look in to something too. I'm thinking of paying a visit to my therapist-we shall see.

Red said...

I am glad you are feeling better. I have the same problem too. When things get really bad it seems my thoughts just go on a constant spiral down down into negative town. I started catching my negative thoughts for social anxiety and I couldn't believe all the judging things I said to myself about every little interaction with people. It was no wonder i felt intense discomfort. I was my own worst enemy. Just the mere act of writing this comment makes me question if I am saying the right thing. It is a battle. I think we are harder on ourselves then the average person.

LulaBelle said...

You're right Red-and it's horrible. If we judged others like we judge ourselves, we would never speak to a single person!

We are truly our own worse enemies.