On The Upswing

I have suffered from depression in all it's many forms since I was a child. It's been severe enough for me to be hospitalized, medicated, and placed under constant watch.

A few years after my husband and I got married, I was basically a stay at home mom. I watched my baby niece during the day and did whatever the hell it is stay at home moms do when their kids are in school.

It drove me nuts. Literally nuts. I took naps with the baby all day, dressing just in time to pick up my son from school. I was bored, lonely, and I felt trapped. I tried every anti-depressant you can think of, and when they didn't work, I took to burning my leg with matches, breaking a bunch of stuff in the house, and stabbing myself in the arm with a steak knife. (Luckily it was cold that day and I had on about 9 layers of clothes, so it didn't penetrate)

The decision was made for me to stop watching the baby, and either get a job or go to school, something. I started looking for work, did various temp jobs until I ended up in a career I love.

It truly saved my life. I felt like I was contributing to the family, I actually had things to talk about during dinner with my family, I made new friends-my whole life changed.

I still struggle with depression every now and then. Sometimes I just want to be left alone, sometimes I follow my husband around the house because I am in need of SOMETHING, anything to make me feel better. Sometimes I have a valid reason to be depressed, sometimes I don't. My life is better than it has ever been, but I think I'm so used to bad things in my life that my brain won't accept that all is well and just let me be.

My belief is that depression is a symptom that something is not right in your life. Work, home, friends, whatever. Something is wrong and needs be fixed. If you can analyze yourself and decide that it is just nothing, it truly is in your head, then it's time to perhaps seek help, either medication or therapy. I have heard of some people having excellent results with some of the new anti-depressants that are out there.

It does go away. Things can get better. Life can, and should be, good.

I expect to be at 85% tomorrow. I just need one more day.