Saturday, December 27, 2008

Sigh

This writing thing is so much harder then I thought. It was one thing to sit down and pour out my heart and get the original story on paper-but going back and proof reading it is killing me. I'm totally in the midst of a post traumatic stress disorder attack right now. My hands are shaking and I'm just appalled at the things that went on in my house, the things no child should EVER have to endure. This could end up being a very long process. I don't know if I should just do it all now and get it over with or take it slow. I do believe our minds and bodies tell us when we have had enough, so I guess that's my clue to stop for now.

I want to be strong enough to share my story,I want it out of my head, and it would be great if it helped just one child to know "Look, this is what went on, but I'm ok now. I'm living a happy, productive life and you can too."

I need a beer.

P.S. And I hate that, I hate that my first response to discomfort is alcohol. And I hate that revisiting these events turns on that stupid little voice in my head-"You're not good enough, you're not smart enough, why are you even trying, no one cares, blah blah blah." Today is a nice family day, I need to get over myself. What do normal people do with feelings like these? Pills? Church? What is it? I really don't get it.

I swear, leave me alone for 5 minutes and I'll ruin my own damn day.

7 comments:

wirecutter said...

You know what?
You're dealing with your issues and that's a hell of a lot better than most folks.
Realize that and draw your strength from it.

Miyonao said...

I know what I do unconciously. I eat and then sleep. That's why I have deal with my weight issue all the time.

You're NOT abnormal. I can understand how it must feel when you write about your past experiences. I tried and gave up. I couldn't do that and I felt that I could hurt myself. So I think taking it slowly is a good idea. Take as much time as you need and stop whenever your mind tells you to.

Dan said...

I think wirecutter and Miyonao both gave you good advice. You are dealing with the issues, and you should do this at your own pace. Things will come out when you are ready for them to. Don't rush it, but be willing to put them down on paper when you are ready--you will know when the time is right.

As for what "normal" people do, well, normal people just push their issues back and pretend things never happened. That's why I don't ever want to be normal.

Red said...

I think you are a great writer. Just from reading your blog. It is one of the few blogs I read on a regular basis. You have accomplished so much. Having a family, a job and a life. I am still working on all of the above.

Those negative thoughts we have are relentless little buggers. Try to catch them and stop them. I have become my own defense team against them. It sounds nutty but it helps. They are just full of crap and need to be told to shut it.

LulaBelle said...

Thank you all so much. I do need to stop being so hard on myself. I just had a moment there....normal is highly over-rated!

Miyonao said...

Dan's absolutely right. What's normal? There's no such a thing, in my opinion.

And You ARE definitely a great writer! You make me laugh(a lot) and feel life is so worth living.

LulaBelle said...

Thanks Miyonao! You have all made me feel so good.