Friday, April 17, 2009

Random Bits of Self Forgiveness

So I was driving to work this morning and I saw this woman walking her two dogs-American Eskimos, the same dog my mother had. And I remembered when Ivory the dog died, and my mother was-of course-heartbroken.

This was during the last year of her life when she was basically house bound, and Ivory was her best friend and companion. I remember my mother calling me crying her eyes out, asking me to come over and just give her a hug, to help console her over the loss of her dog. I was so irritated, I really was. I remember thinking "God! Do I EVER get one minute that isn't completely based on my mom?" I had something going on at the time, so important that I don't even remember what it was now.

Now by this point, I was pretty much on call when it came to caring for my mom, and I still feel to this day that my step-dad put way too much of it on me. I was overwhelmed, tired, stressed, on the verge of tears at all times, it was horrible. One of the hardest times of my life.

Of course I went over and gave the hug my mom so desperately needed. I spent some time with her before I took off to do whatever.

This morning, seeing the lady with her dogs, I realized I really did the best I could during the last years of her life. Whatever decisions I made, I thought they were the best. And so what if I was irritated that I had to take a minute out of my self-important life to go hug my mother? She didn't know I was irritated, and really, isn't that what matters?

So, goodbye guilt I felt at being irritated when my mothers dog died and she needed me.


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