Thursday, April 9, 2009

Still?

I don't know how long I'm supposed to feel this way before I get outside help. It's been 3 weeks, this actually started before my cat died. But somethings got to give before I break.

Hubbs says we have dealt with worse, that I've had spells that have gone on much longer, but I really don't remember ever feeling quite this bleak inside.

Everything is a fight. I have to make myself-force myself!-to go through the motions in the hopes I will start to feel better. But deep inside, I could care less. About any of it. I feel like I'm stuck in quicksand, and as fast as I fight to pull myself out is as fast as I get sucked back in.

But what outside help do I think I can get? Pills don't work with me, I've tried nearly every one of them. Therapy? I don't care enough to discuss my feelings right now, unfortunately. Besides the fact that my insurance sucks and I probably couldn't afford it if I did care.

Sleep for a few days, and maybe, just maybe, wake up all better? Now that I may try.
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3 comments:

Miyonao said...

I think anything fun and positive could help. But sometimes we just need time to heal, I guess. But I'm sure you'll be good again soon.

April 9, 2009 at 8:49 PM
Deirdre Bunny said...

Recently my hopelessness and bleak outlook on every aspect of my life has become a near-crippling experience. And I too, have been told I've been through rough periods before,but for the life of me I cannot remember feeling so empty and useless. Each day the struggle to hang on to a shred of hope requires more and more strength, which I feel is ever-depleting.

And in some areas I feel like I am improving, finally, overall, picking myself back up - but I wonder if it is at the expense of my emotions and if the role of host is changing. Because each day I feel a little more able to stand back up and each day I feel a little more numb and detached from an already detached world.

Much love to you.

April 17, 2009 at 12:48 PM
Lula said...

I'm glad you shared-that is how I feel too. Like I'm doing better, but I'm a spectator in this life. My husband just asked me today if I was spending too much time inside myself. And yes, I am. Thanks for sharing Deirdre.

April 17, 2009 at 3:31 PM

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