Sunday, April 19, 2009


Yes, still. I'm still stuck in this weird depression mode-I'm living my life, and doing the things that are required of me, but I feel like I'm a spectator-I'm watching myself living my life.

It's been like 4-5-6-weeks. I don't know how to snap myself out of it. I'm torn between asking for help, and isolating, and stabbing myself in the arm, and living on Xanax-it feels hopeless right now.

I just want this feeling to go away. This is the only life I get-I don't want to spend it feeling this way.


Deirdre Bunny said...

I cant totally relate to this. I don't know where I'd be right now if I didn't have some way of numbing the pain and sadness. I'm sort of afraid to try living without it now, though I don't want to always have to have something to get me though. It also helps me take less notice of my detachment I have from the world around me.

Lula said...

What is your way of coping, if you don't mind me asking? I hate this detached feeling.

Deirdre Bunny said...

The detachment... I'm not entirely sure. It is noticeable to me, some days more than others, but I've been dealing with depersonalization for as long as I can remember and haven't known anything other than that feeling. I assumed for a long time it was how everyone was, but as I got older I realized that everyone else doesn't constantly question the reality of their surroundings and actually feels integrated with the life around them.

But when it is noticeable and more difficult to handle and Xanax won't numb me enough to not care, I often resort to THC - which isn't for everyone, and is not always easy to get for some, so I'm not exactly recommending it, but it has helped me through a lot.

Beyond that, I end up in my bedroom which has dark curtains and I lay on my bed for an hour or more, staring at the ceiling. This helps me clear my head and reach a kind of meditative state (though I have never been able to actually meditated, this seems like its close-ish) While that probably sounds depressing in itself, its one of my few comfort zones, akin to being under the blankets or a "womb-ish" type of surrounding. IT doesn't really remove the detachment, but it removes me from the situation and allows me to feel more at peace.

Lula said...

I've heard meditation and things of that nature help-one more thing I need to learn to do. I have such trouble turning off my head though I don't know if it will ever work!

The THC leaves me a paranoid nutcase-I wish it would work for me.

Thanks for sharing

Deirdre Bunny said...

Thats why I've never really been successful in area of mediation. Too much continuous noise and discussion going on in my head for me to "clear my mind."

And as far as paranoia - every so often tha twill hit me with a different "batch" of goodies, and its really kind of counter-rpoductive at that point.

I'd love to tell you I don;t self medicate with alcohol as well, but I combine merlot with the other stuff to help me reach a "perfect" numbness.

But the idea is to one day not require these things and to have better control in situations where I am unable to be hopped up. I know - good luck with that, right? Heh.

Therapy may help in time, but right now I've really only just started and it's that whole delving into the past crap that is necessary yet so undesirable with an extra helping of un-fun.

Deirdre Bunny said...

Er... *meditation not mediation

Lula said...

God I can relate. I spent years in therapy glossing over the bad stuff and just chatting about my day to day life. Didn't want to talk too much about the painful stuff! Seriously considering going back.

I'm learning to stop self-medicating-feels like one of the hardest things I've ever done. I haven't been hugely successful, but I'm taking it a minute at a time. I bet you reach it some day too.