Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Here we go

I can no longer live with this cycle of depression-blah-mania. I'm exhausted. Exhausted from 30 years of fighting to be normal. Exhausted from letting my moods run my life. Exhausted from not being HERE, connected to my family and friends, and life in general. Exhausted from talking myself out of hurting myself or just disappearing altogether.

I'm going back to therapy. I have to. I literally can not do this anymore, and the only thing that is keeping me going is the hope that therapy will help me. I refuse to take any of the mood stabilizers/anti-depressants. I've tried nearly every one of them, and the side effects are worse than the mood swings. But I've read some positive things about behavioral therapy that I'd like to try. I have a therapist, I saw her quite often for about 3 years. But I never got really serious, I just basically went in, said "I'm doing better!" got my Xanax, and left.

It's time to get serious. My life is at stake. I want to be happy. Not even happy, I want to be NORMAL.

I've also read some good things about Chromium for treating depression-and carb cravings, oddly enough. So I'm trying that and hoping to get some relief. I'll keep you updated to how it works.


Deirdre Bunny said...

I was exceptionally resistant to therapy for years. I was adamant about not going. I didn't trust them and i was too proud, telling myself I could take care of my own shit and I just needed to pull my shit together. That was a lot of self-pressure. Even into this year, which has been, by far, the WORST year, I was still being difficult about the prospect of therapy.

Then I would break down and say I'd go, but conveniently forget to look into it or set something up. It wasn't a conscious forgetfulness. I think every fiber of me was shouting "Fuck that"!

But about 5 months ago, I was sitting on the couch and burst into tears out of nowhere. And i realized that I was very close to pulling the plug, as it were on my existence. i turned to Maggie who was holding me and I said "I think I need to go to therapy". She asked what made me feel this way suddenly, and I told her that I felt that if I didn't go, I wouldn't be here much longer.

And so I found someone the next day, had Magz make an appt (I have phone-phobia) and within 2 weeks I had started.

Anyway, I tell you all of this because I know how hard it is to make yourself do shit like that - and to actually really mean it and not blow it off like "yeah, whatever, I'm just gonna go so everyone stops bugging me about it". So, when I did actually go, I promised myself I would actually do the work too and not just forget everything after each session. Its part o why I am so diligent about writing in my journal now.

Theres other things I should be doing, the time just isn't right for that, but I intend to "do the work" especially if I am shelling out X amount of dollars per session (having no insurance).

It took about 4 visits before I started to feel comfortable with my therapist. It has allowed me to feel safe opening up more and to not treat it like she is trying to fix what she thinks is wrong with me, but rather, help me sort out whats going on and better manage situations.

Hope this helps and I'm here if you ever need to sound off about sessions or how you feel about going to therapy, etc.


Lula said...

Thanks Deirdre, I appreciate that a lot.

I am at the point where I feel if I don't go then I'm just going to quit this life business. So I guess I just had to be ready to go, and actually put effort into it, so here I go.

And, WEIRD-I have phone phobia too. Hubbs is making the appointment.

Deirdre Bunny said...

=/ Eerie.

Heh. Well, maybe Fate had plans for us to be pals and therefore cursed the fuck out of both of us.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. I agree with Deirdre a therapist can help sort out what is going on. I think they are a great support system. I really miss mine (she moved out of state) and eventually I plan to look for a new one. I have a phone phobia too. Instead of talking to someone on the phone. I would rather drive 20 miles and speak to them in person. I hope you feel better soon.

Lula said...

Deirdre, at least we get some rewards for dealing with our fucked up brains! A new pal!

Thanks Red, I appreciate the support. Every bit helps.

And what the hell is up with the three of us and phones?

Deirdre Bunny said...

I was so happy when certain places allowed you to order food online.

I won't even pick up the phone if my GF calls, most times =/

It's not that I never use the phone. I mean, I can talk to my mom and close friends if need be. Day to day though, every time the phone rings I panic.

Lula said...

I know, I hardly ever answer either. And when I do, I want to get off as soon as possible.

Part of the reason my job makes me crazy-the damn phones!