Finally

I meant to post this several days ago, but as you know all hell broke loose last weekend.

After I posted “She’s a maniac”, I thought “Maybe I really am bi-polar.” As I’ve mentioned, I have been diagnosed twice, and spent quite a while on meds. But I never really believed it. I’ve never had the huge mood swings I thought all bi-polar people have. So, wanting to use my mad Google skills, I bring up my home page. There was a story titled “How to live with a bi-polar spouse”. What a coincidence! I read the story and learned there are different levels to this bi-polar nonsense. And there’s a thing called Hypomania. Which is what I get. Racing thoughts, interrupting, unable to focus, doing 5000 things at once-all me. Always moving my foot, irritability-yep, those too. (Especially the irritability. Have you noticed?)

It sounds silly even to myself, but I finally realized, after 39 years-I’m bi-polar. All those doctors were right. It doesn’t interfere with my life to the point where I need to be medicated (much), but it is there.

Now here’s where things should get fun.

I’ve quit drinking. I mean really quit. Quit to the point of “maybe in a few months I’ll see if I can be normal and have a drink with dinner but I might not even do that” quit.

There goes my self medicating. I notice when I don’t drink I have a lot of trouble falling asleep because horrible thoughts fly in to my head. (Thanks, PTSD!) And once I’m asleep, I have nightmares. (Slightly off subject here, but check this out. One morning about 7 years ago I said to my mother “I had the most horrible dream. I dreamt I was sitting in a truck in front of our old house and this guy blew his brains out right in front of me.” Her reply? “Don’t you remember when you were 5 and your cousin blah-blah’s boyfriend shot himself in the head in our driveway?” See why I drink?)

Anyway, I’ll either have to finally deal with all my lovely demons I’ve been holding at bay with alcohol all these years, or I will go full bore manic batshit insane and commit myself.

Let’s find out!