Fine Just The Way It Is:Wyoming Stories by Annie Proulx.
The first I read of Annie Proulx was the collection Close Range:Wyoming Stories which included the story "Brokeback Mountain". I really enjoy the way she writes. She moves from the 1800's to the the present day to 2,500 years ago with ease-I can really see how her mind just envisions the different times and then shares those visions with us. When I grow up, I want to be just like her.
I am a huge short story fan, and I have yet to be disappointed in anything she's written.
Highly Recommended!
Friday, October 31, 2008
Happy Happy
Youngest was invited to go to Virginia City with his best friend and her family-an overnight trip, with a cemetery tour, haunted house, trick or treating, etc…
That means Hubbs and I have the evening alone! An empty house! Just Hubbs, me, and the cats! I’m pretty excited.
After work we’re going to pick up his suit we just got tailored-then I plan on tearing it off of him when we get home. Rawr!
So sorry kids, there will be no candy at the Lula household this year.
Have a great weekend!
That means Hubbs and I have the evening alone! An empty house! Just Hubbs, me, and the cats! I’m pretty excited.
After work we’re going to pick up his suit we just got tailored-then I plan on tearing it off of him when we get home. Rawr!
So sorry kids, there will be no candy at the Lula household this year.
Have a great weekend!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Hard At Work
Lulabelle: meh and pre are a match made in heaven
Little Wing: i bet they both sit there and think about themselves while the other is going on and on
Lulabelle: i bet youre right
Lulabelle: :bz
Lulabelle: thats supposed to be a bee
Lulabelle: : bz
Lulabelle: damn it
Little Wing: bee is broken
Lulabelle: poor bee
Little Wing: there she goes from office to office with her sad story
Lulabelle: i havent heard it yet but im sure i will
Little Wing: you're next!!!!!!!!!!
Lulabelle: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Lulabelle: what is this yahoo radio you use?
Little Wing: yahoo launch radio
Lulabelle: tahnks
Lulabelle: thanks
Lulabelle: dyselxia
Lulabelle: hilarious
Little Wing: awesome
Lulabelle: i have to use internet explorer?
Little Wing: yes
Lulabelle: that is a bunch of BULLSHIT
Little Wing: it's craptastic
Lulabelle: craptabulous
One hour later-
Little Wing: oh dear god, my ears are crying
Lulabelle: that was a long ass lecture/conversation
Little Wing: i guess i better get used to it
Lulabelle: why? the ***** stuff?
Little Wing: yep
Lulabelle: poor you
Little Wing: BOSS HAS BEEN KINDA WEIRD ABOUT ALL THIS
Little Wing: SORRY FOR YELLING!!
Lulabelle: ITS OK
Lulabelle: what do you mean weird
Little Wing: he just kinda avoided the whole thing and then today the only thing he said was "are you happier in here?"
Lulabelle: i think he barely knows whats going on, in general
Lulabelle: dont trip potato chip
Little Wing: k
Little Wing: i won't if you tell me not to oh wise Lula
Lulabelle: he never says hi to me unless im right in front of him, he introduces people to everyone up here but me, etc....
Lulabelle: he has some weird thing in his hand that I have not yet identified
Little Wing: maybe he's afraid he'll slip and admit his love for you
Lulabelle: maybe you make him nervous because he thinks youre ROJO CALIENTE
Lulabelle: get out of my head
Little Wing: thing in his hand???
Lulabelle: i meant head, but hand is funnier
Lulabelle: im blogging this i think
Little Wing: our crazy convo?
Lulabelle: yes maam
Lulabelle: they make me laugh
Little Wing: i bet they both sit there and think about themselves while the other is going on and on
Lulabelle: i bet youre right
Lulabelle: :bz
Lulabelle: thats supposed to be a bee
Lulabelle: : bz
Lulabelle: damn it
Little Wing: bee is broken
Lulabelle: poor bee
Little Wing: there she goes from office to office with her sad story
Lulabelle: i havent heard it yet but im sure i will
Little Wing: you're next!!!!!!!!!!
Lulabelle: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Lulabelle: what is this yahoo radio you use?
Little Wing: yahoo launch radio
Lulabelle: tahnks
Lulabelle: thanks
Lulabelle: dyselxia
Lulabelle: hilarious
Little Wing: awesome
Lulabelle: i have to use internet explorer?
Little Wing: yes
Lulabelle: that is a bunch of BULLSHIT
Little Wing: it's craptastic
Lulabelle: craptabulous
One hour later-
Little Wing: oh dear god, my ears are crying
Lulabelle: that was a long ass lecture/conversation
Little Wing: i guess i better get used to it
Lulabelle: why? the ***** stuff?
Little Wing: yep
Lulabelle: poor you
Little Wing: BOSS HAS BEEN KINDA WEIRD ABOUT ALL THIS
Little Wing: SORRY FOR YELLING!!
Lulabelle: ITS OK
Lulabelle: what do you mean weird
Little Wing: he just kinda avoided the whole thing and then today the only thing he said was "are you happier in here?"
Lulabelle: i think he barely knows whats going on, in general
Lulabelle: dont trip potato chip
Little Wing: k
Little Wing: i won't if you tell me not to oh wise Lula
Lulabelle: he never says hi to me unless im right in front of him, he introduces people to everyone up here but me, etc....
Lulabelle: he has some weird thing in his hand that I have not yet identified
Little Wing: maybe he's afraid he'll slip and admit his love for you
Lulabelle: maybe you make him nervous because he thinks youre ROJO CALIENTE
Lulabelle: get out of my head
Little Wing: thing in his hand???
Lulabelle: i meant head, but hand is funnier
Lulabelle: im blogging this i think
Little Wing: our crazy convo?
Lulabelle: yes maam
Lulabelle: they make me laugh
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
And I Was Right!
This has turned out to be a very good day. Bad for some, but good for Little Wing and I.
Our skeevy co-worker got fired! I hate to rejoice in other’s misfortune, but he was very creepy. And he made life miserable with his laziness-“I just don’t have time to get to that, maybe next week.”
Well, what we thought was laziness was actually hours spent looking at not safe for work pictures, if you know what I mean.
Good Riddance! And congrats to Little Wing-it’s her story, I’ll let her tell it when she has time. But I am very proud of her.
Best day ever!
Our skeevy co-worker got fired! I hate to rejoice in other’s misfortune, but he was very creepy. And he made life miserable with his laziness-“I just don’t have time to get to that, maybe next week.”
Well, what we thought was laziness was actually hours spent looking at not safe for work pictures, if you know what I mean.
Good Riddance! And congrats to Little Wing-it’s her story, I’ll let her tell it when she has time. But I am very proud of her.
Best day ever!
Too Much!!
I’m feeling overwhelmed again-I know, here we go. I suppose its standard this time of year, with the holidays coming up. But I’m really in need of a day where I just flop on the couch and watch movies all day with my family. In between the trip to California, preparing for this Saturday’s big event, shopping, cooking, cleaning, working-blah. Sometimes it just feels like too much. Nothing is really going wrong, it just feels like too much.
Plus, I’m back to not sleeping well. I have had some horrific dreams the past few nights. Last night I woke up at 11pm, wide awake and in complete shock at the dream I just had. I thought that part of my life was sufficiently buried in my subconscious, but apparently I was wrong.
Anyway, I’m trying to think positive, I really am. This morning while having my tea I reminded myself of all the positives in my life, and kept telling myself “Today is going to be a great day.”
We’ll see how it goes.
Plus, I’m back to not sleeping well. I have had some horrific dreams the past few nights. Last night I woke up at 11pm, wide awake and in complete shock at the dream I just had. I thought that part of my life was sufficiently buried in my subconscious, but apparently I was wrong.
Anyway, I’m trying to think positive, I really am. This morning while having my tea I reminded myself of all the positives in my life, and kept telling myself “Today is going to be a great day.”
We’ll see how it goes.
Book Review
The O. Henry Prize Stories 2008.
I am usually a big fan of this series-I have read every collection since about 1960. This one, however, seemed to contain quite a few stories that mentioned cruelty to animals. I just can't take reading about horrible things happening to animals or children. So I skipped most of the stories. I still highly recommend the collection-this particular edition just wasn't for me.
I am usually a big fan of this series-I have read every collection since about 1960. This one, however, seemed to contain quite a few stories that mentioned cruelty to animals. I just can't take reading about horrible things happening to animals or children. So I skipped most of the stories. I still highly recommend the collection-this particular edition just wasn't for me.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
California
It’s funny-when I’m here, I think I miss it there. Once I get there, I realize how much I hate it and how much Reno is actually starting to grow on me.
The trip did not start on a good note. My co-worker who I traveled with (and who made all the plans) sent me a link to the hotel we were staying at. I’m not that familiar with the LAX or downtown Los Angeles area, so I printed a ton of maps-from the airport to the hotel, from the hotel to our first appointment, etc…
When we arrived at our hotel, we were told we didn’t have reservations at that Sheraton; our reservations were for the other Sheraton, 10 miles away. Which instantly made all the maps I printed worthless. Irritation #1.
Irritation #2 was the fact that there was not a restaurant, café, or coffee shop within a 10 mile radius. All of our meals were eaten at the hotel. The food was terrible and so incredibly overpriced-60.00 for breakfast for 3? I blew through my per diem money before lunch the last day.
Irritation #3-the meetings were very poorly planned. Our last meeting was in Buena Park at 2pm on Friday-our flight left at 6:40. There is no way in hell we would have made it back to LAX in enough time to catch our flight. So what does our broker do? Reschedule? Make things more convenient for us since we are the ones who pay him, and have traveled all this way to drum up more business? Nope. He drops us off at the airport 7 HOURS before our flight was scheduled to leave. When I realized we were taking the freeway back to LAX, all I could think was “You have got to be f’in kidding me” We rescheduled our flight home at a cost of $41.00 per person - I would have drank at least that much money sitting in a bar for 7 hours, so I figured it was worth it.
Our new flight left in 1 hour and 45 minutes-we made that flight with 10 minutes to spare. LAX has 2 security lines-one to check your ID and boarding pass, then the next one to check your carry on luggage, etc.. I have never seen such a long line-it was at least a ¼ mile long. SO very nerve wracking. I hate flying, I hate hotels, I hate being away from my family, and I will never again take a trip where I do not plan my own meetings/flights.
The 2 meetings we did go to on Friday were with companies we had already decided were worthless to us-we can’t meet their price points. Even after being told by 2 different people to cancel the meetings, we went anyway. (not my choice, obviously)
I do realize I’m kind of a bitch, but it irritates me when things aren’t well planned out. If I’m going to be away from my family, my trip better run like a well oiled machine. Too many poorly planned trips and I just wont go.
Oh yes-the final straw. Upon check out, my co-worker realized they had charged his Amex card instead of the company card he made the reservations with. The clerk asked “Did you fax in this credit card authorization form?” From the look on co-workers face, I was fully expecting a “No”, but he said “Yes, about 2 weeks ago.”
Clerk-“Well, when we receive the forms, we attach them to the reservation on the day the guest is to arrive, and we have nothing here.” You do the math.
So co-worker had to pay for the rooms on his personal credit card. After the fact I realized I should have offered to pay for my own room, but #1-they were 180.00 a night, and I wasn’t sure if I had that much on my card, and #2-that would not have happened if I had made the plans, because I am on top of things and he is not. Therefore, he learned a very important lesson.
Have I mentioned how glad I am to be home?
P.S. I forgot to mention how, after each meeting, I had to explain what just happened to my co-worker.
"So, he's going to be selling our blah blah to blah blah?"
"No, he doesn't do business with blah blah. He is the one who is going to blah blah blah."
It makes me feel mean to even say it, but how do you not understand business meetings at your age/position? He's been doing this longer than I have. Though it did boost my confidence, and since it's all about me.....
The trip did not start on a good note. My co-worker who I traveled with (and who made all the plans) sent me a link to the hotel we were staying at. I’m not that familiar with the LAX or downtown Los Angeles area, so I printed a ton of maps-from the airport to the hotel, from the hotel to our first appointment, etc…
When we arrived at our hotel, we were told we didn’t have reservations at that Sheraton; our reservations were for the other Sheraton, 10 miles away. Which instantly made all the maps I printed worthless. Irritation #1.
Irritation #2 was the fact that there was not a restaurant, café, or coffee shop within a 10 mile radius. All of our meals were eaten at the hotel. The food was terrible and so incredibly overpriced-60.00 for breakfast for 3? I blew through my per diem money before lunch the last day.
Irritation #3-the meetings were very poorly planned. Our last meeting was in Buena Park at 2pm on Friday-our flight left at 6:40. There is no way in hell we would have made it back to LAX in enough time to catch our flight. So what does our broker do? Reschedule? Make things more convenient for us since we are the ones who pay him, and have traveled all this way to drum up more business? Nope. He drops us off at the airport 7 HOURS before our flight was scheduled to leave. When I realized we were taking the freeway back to LAX, all I could think was “You have got to be f’in kidding me” We rescheduled our flight home at a cost of $41.00 per person - I would have drank at least that much money sitting in a bar for 7 hours, so I figured it was worth it.
Our new flight left in 1 hour and 45 minutes-we made that flight with 10 minutes to spare. LAX has 2 security lines-one to check your ID and boarding pass, then the next one to check your carry on luggage, etc.. I have never seen such a long line-it was at least a ¼ mile long. SO very nerve wracking. I hate flying, I hate hotels, I hate being away from my family, and I will never again take a trip where I do not plan my own meetings/flights.
The 2 meetings we did go to on Friday were with companies we had already decided were worthless to us-we can’t meet their price points. Even after being told by 2 different people to cancel the meetings, we went anyway. (not my choice, obviously)
I do realize I’m kind of a bitch, but it irritates me when things aren’t well planned out. If I’m going to be away from my family, my trip better run like a well oiled machine. Too many poorly planned trips and I just wont go.
Oh yes-the final straw. Upon check out, my co-worker realized they had charged his Amex card instead of the company card he made the reservations with. The clerk asked “Did you fax in this credit card authorization form?” From the look on co-workers face, I was fully expecting a “No”, but he said “Yes, about 2 weeks ago.”
Clerk-“Well, when we receive the forms, we attach them to the reservation on the day the guest is to arrive, and we have nothing here.” You do the math.
So co-worker had to pay for the rooms on his personal credit card. After the fact I realized I should have offered to pay for my own room, but #1-they were 180.00 a night, and I wasn’t sure if I had that much on my card, and #2-that would not have happened if I had made the plans, because I am on top of things and he is not. Therefore, he learned a very important lesson.
Have I mentioned how glad I am to be home?
P.S. I forgot to mention how, after each meeting, I had to explain what just happened to my co-worker.
"So, he's going to be selling our blah blah to blah blah?"
"No, he doesn't do business with blah blah. He is the one who is going to blah blah blah."
It makes me feel mean to even say it, but how do you not understand business meetings at your age/position? He's been doing this longer than I have. Though it did boost my confidence, and since it's all about me.....
Sunday, October 26, 2008
I'm Back....
And I did incredibly well! The trip itself was kind of a nightmare (note to self-make own travel plans) but the business end of it went very well. I was consumed with fear when I thought about the appointments I had-this is my first job in sales, and I'm afraid of people, so I really thought this was not going to end well. But when I was in the actual meetings, the words just flew out of my mouth like I knew what I was talking about! Which I do-and my employer thinks so too, because before I left I had my 2 year review, and it was awesome. I got a raise, and the percentage was much higher than I expected it to be.
I'd like to write about all the drama-there were a few things that happened that were quite comical-but I'm exhausted, and of course trying to catch up on wife/mother time. Hopefully in the next day or so I can share my experiences with you.
How was your weekend?
I'd like to write about all the drama-there were a few things that happened that were quite comical-but I'm exhausted, and of course trying to catch up on wife/mother time. Hopefully in the next day or so I can share my experiences with you.
How was your weekend?
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Going Back To Cali......
Why I ever took a job in sales when I hate to fly and am afraid of people, I will never know.
I’m leaving for California Wednesday, returning Friday. Of course I have a million things to do-mostly walking around my house in circles praying that the plane doesn’t crash-it’s very time consuming.
I’ll post when I can, but in the meantime-have a great week!
I’m leaving for California Wednesday, returning Friday. Of course I have a million things to do-mostly walking around my house in circles praying that the plane doesn’t crash-it’s very time consuming.
I’ll post when I can, but in the meantime-have a great week!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Reno
Hubbs, Youngest, and I went to our local pawn shop today to check out a guitar Youngest wanted. Actually, the boys went to the dump, stopped at the pawn shop on the way home, found a guitar the manager was willing to part with for $60.00, so we went back to check it out.
We brought Youngest's guitar with us, because he is in need of a case. It's a copy of a flying V-I barely know what I'm talking about here, but a standard case doesn't work for this sort of guitar, due to the shape.
Anyhow, we were waiting for the manager to get a free moment when some older man walked up and said
"Is that your flying V?"
"Yes."
"Are you selling it?"
"No."
"You know, in 1976 Ibanez made 4 flying V's before they got sued by the original manufacturer and had to stop production. I had the 4th one, and I paid $400.00 for it."
"Wow, really?"
"Yeah, but I traded it to some guy for some car parts and a bag of weed. Now it's on the wall at guitar center for $25,000.00"
"Oh, that's too bad", I said, while thinking-Hello? You do realize this is my 12 year old son you're telling this story to?
People......
The guitar we were looking at was messed up-something to do with the electronics, the sound was very scratchy. But, he did sell us a case for $5.00. It wasn't exactly the right size, but we brought it home, cut out the foam to make it fit, glued some fake fur over the foam, and Voila!! Awesome guitar case for less than $20.00.
Success!
We brought Youngest's guitar with us, because he is in need of a case. It's a copy of a flying V-I barely know what I'm talking about here, but a standard case doesn't work for this sort of guitar, due to the shape.
Anyhow, we were waiting for the manager to get a free moment when some older man walked up and said
"Is that your flying V?"
"Yes."
"Are you selling it?"
"No."
"You know, in 1976 Ibanez made 4 flying V's before they got sued by the original manufacturer and had to stop production. I had the 4th one, and I paid $400.00 for it."
"Wow, really?"
"Yeah, but I traded it to some guy for some car parts and a bag of weed. Now it's on the wall at guitar center for $25,000.00"
"Oh, that's too bad", I said, while thinking-Hello? You do realize this is my 12 year old son you're telling this story to?
People......
The guitar we were looking at was messed up-something to do with the electronics, the sound was very scratchy. But, he did sell us a case for $5.00. It wasn't exactly the right size, but we brought it home, cut out the foam to make it fit, glued some fake fur over the foam, and Voila!! Awesome guitar case for less than $20.00.
Success!
Friday, October 17, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Nut Job
I woke up this morning, after a terrible night's sleep, and the first thing that popped in my head was my rant from yesterday. I felt bad for criticizing others belief system.
So I took it down.
I actually wish I could have such strong convictions. I wish I had a strong set of beliefs to get me through my day. I've tried, oh yes I have. Everything from AA to Unity Ministry, to of course, Mormon.
I can't do it. I feel like I don't fit in, that I'm a fraud and everyone knows it.
Anyway, I'm trying to be positive today. So I'm starting over.
One thing I know about myself-I should not read the news. Horrible things get stuck in my head, then I dream about them, then it ruins my day.
Last night I dreamed of that missing little girl, whose mother was just charged with murder. It was a horrible dream, and I have a horrible image stuck in my head. So I took the advice of fellow blogger Miyonao, and started telling myself positive things- It's going to be a great day, you're a strong woman Lula-you can do this!
So here I am. Thinking positive thoughts, and trying to look forward to my day.
Have a good one!
So I took it down.
I actually wish I could have such strong convictions. I wish I had a strong set of beliefs to get me through my day. I've tried, oh yes I have. Everything from AA to Unity Ministry, to of course, Mormon.
I can't do it. I feel like I don't fit in, that I'm a fraud and everyone knows it.
Anyway, I'm trying to be positive today. So I'm starting over.
One thing I know about myself-I should not read the news. Horrible things get stuck in my head, then I dream about them, then it ruins my day.
Last night I dreamed of that missing little girl, whose mother was just charged with murder. It was a horrible dream, and I have a horrible image stuck in my head. So I took the advice of fellow blogger Miyonao, and started telling myself positive things- It's going to be a great day, you're a strong woman Lula-you can do this!
So here I am. Thinking positive thoughts, and trying to look forward to my day.
Have a good one!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Better Yet!
It is a slow process, but I feel even better today. I had a moment again this morning of "I am NOT going to work", but I stuck with my routine and it passed.
The natural anxiety relief pills I took yesterday-I really really feel like they helped. If they are available in your area I highly recommend them. Or buy them on the internet if you have to. I prefer natural remedies, and they didn't leave me feeling as sleepy as a Xanax would have. Check them out here.
I don't know if it's the placebo effect or if they really worked, all I know is I was very anxious when I arrived at work yesterday morning, and by the time I took 2 doses (6 tablets) I felt calmer than I had all weekend.
I realized that I have not updated my book reviews/currently reading. I hope to get to that by the end of the day.
Thank you all for your support. Part of the reason I started blogging was to be able to connect with people, to feel a part of something. And now I do.
The natural anxiety relief pills I took yesterday-I really really feel like they helped. If they are available in your area I highly recommend them. Or buy them on the internet if you have to. I prefer natural remedies, and they didn't leave me feeling as sleepy as a Xanax would have. Check them out here.
I don't know if it's the placebo effect or if they really worked, all I know is I was very anxious when I arrived at work yesterday morning, and by the time I took 2 doses (6 tablets) I felt calmer than I had all weekend.
I realized that I have not updated my book reviews/currently reading. I hope to get to that by the end of the day.
Thank you all for your support. Part of the reason I started blogging was to be able to connect with people, to feel a part of something. And now I do.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Better?
I feel slightly better today. I still feel like there is a cloud of gloom over my head, and everything around me-actually including me-seems fake and scripted. Does that make sense? I look around at everyone and it seems like the same old thing-the same lame jokes at the same time in the conversation, etc…. It’s like Groundhog Day.
I do not feel like hurting myself, but I do feel like staying in bed all day. The first words out of my mouth this morning were “Don’t wake me up-I’m not going.” Then I started reminding myself how lucky I was I had a job, and how I used to be excited when I had a ton of work to do because it made the day go by faster.
I tend to forget how crippling depression can be-I spend the majority of my time anxious or manic. I know there are some people who feel like this every day of their lives, and it requires daily medication just to be where I am today. So I’m lucky in that respect-I haven’t felt this bad in years, thank goodness.
I’m also lucky to have people around me that I can talk to about this, or not talk at all and it’s ok. Little Wing even brought me in an all natural anti-anxiety medication-and I swear it made me feel a bit better.
I’m hanging in there, I’m counting my blessings, and I’m taking it a moment at a time.
What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner. ~ Colette
I do not feel like hurting myself, but I do feel like staying in bed all day. The first words out of my mouth this morning were “Don’t wake me up-I’m not going.” Then I started reminding myself how lucky I was I had a job, and how I used to be excited when I had a ton of work to do because it made the day go by faster.
I tend to forget how crippling depression can be-I spend the majority of my time anxious or manic. I know there are some people who feel like this every day of their lives, and it requires daily medication just to be where I am today. So I’m lucky in that respect-I haven’t felt this bad in years, thank goodness.
I’m also lucky to have people around me that I can talk to about this, or not talk at all and it’s ok. Little Wing even brought me in an all natural anti-anxiety medication-and I swear it made me feel a bit better.
I’m hanging in there, I’m counting my blessings, and I’m taking it a moment at a time.
What a wonderful life I’ve had! I only wish I’d realized it sooner. ~ Colette
Monday, October 13, 2008
Meltdown
I’m in the midst of some weird emotional breakdown. I cried most of the day Saturday. Well, maybe only for an hour or two, but it felt like all day. Huge wracking chest heaving sobs. I don’t know what caused it, or how to make it go away. Maybe writing about it will help.
There was a time several years ago when I felt the same way, and took to hurting myself to feel something besides what was going on in my head. I saw my therapist, and asked to be committed to the bin (as I like to call it) until I could get a grip on myself. But, my insurance doesn’t pay for batshit insane, they only pay for suicidally insane. So I went home with a box of anti-psychotics, slept for a few days, then slowly found myself again.
I am in the same place right now. The bitch of it is I have a job and they actually expect me to show up every day. I have no sick time left, so here I am. (Though Hubbs had a good point-sticking to my routine is probably the best thing for me)
I am also currently uninsured due to Hubbs changing jobs (where he is a big hero and they love him to death). Our insurance kicks in November 1st. I keep telling myself to hold on until then, I can freak out when I have insurance. I don’t know what the difference is, but whatever it takes I guess.
I really wish I knew what the hell goes on in my head that makes me feel broken. That’s how I feel right now, like something in my head just broke. I feel fragile and scared-and I was doing so well.
Happy thoughts please.
There was a time several years ago when I felt the same way, and took to hurting myself to feel something besides what was going on in my head. I saw my therapist, and asked to be committed to the bin (as I like to call it) until I could get a grip on myself. But, my insurance doesn’t pay for batshit insane, they only pay for suicidally insane. So I went home with a box of anti-psychotics, slept for a few days, then slowly found myself again.
I am in the same place right now. The bitch of it is I have a job and they actually expect me to show up every day. I have no sick time left, so here I am. (Though Hubbs had a good point-sticking to my routine is probably the best thing for me)
I am also currently uninsured due to Hubbs changing jobs (where he is a big hero and they love him to death). Our insurance kicks in November 1st. I keep telling myself to hold on until then, I can freak out when I have insurance. I don’t know what the difference is, but whatever it takes I guess.
I really wish I knew what the hell goes on in my head that makes me feel broken. That’s how I feel right now, like something in my head just broke. I feel fragile and scared-and I was doing so well.
Happy thoughts please.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Saturday
My my-what a day so far!
It actually started yesterday-when I came home from work, Hubbs informed me that our vacuum had broken. This actually made me very happy, because we have been using an ancient 9000 pound Kirby for quite a while, and I hated it. So much so that I don't even think I've vacuumed this house since we bought it. Husband or Youngest always do it for me. But still, it meant money spent that we hadn't planned on.
This morning, I woke up, started a load of laundry, used the bathroom-and the toilet started overflowing. Weird, because it was just a normal bathroom usage, nothing out of the ordinary if you know what I mean. Youngest's toilet was also acting goofy, and while trying to fix it we realized the washer was backing up into his shower. (Let's call the landlord-oh yeah, we own this place.)
Now, we had plans today, plans that included finishing the trim on all the new windows, and painting, and taking time out to write another story, and of course mom/wife stuff-all the laundry, cleaning bathrooms, etc...
Hubbs and Youngest finally went under the house and realized there was some sort of clog that required calling a plumber. Great, there's God knows how much more money spent we hadn't planned on.
I called the plumber, explained the situation, and told him that the clean out drain was under the house.
"No problem, $85.00 and he'll be there in an hour."
Thank GOD, because I had already pee'd in the yard once-not having a working toilet does not work for me AT ALL. And $85.00? Not so bad.
When the guy showed up, he said "Oh, under the house? I can't do that, it's too unsafe. I need to call another guy, we'll go on the roof, and it's $175.00"
Hubbs came in, explained what the guy said, and at this point I was like-"Whatever-I have to pee again, I haven't showered, and it's 11am."
He decided to try the toilets and lo and behold-they worked! He ran the showers-drained fine!
So with plunger in hand, he went outside, told the plumber "You quoted my wife one amount over the phone, but now that the job's easier you want to charge me more? Never mind-get your shit and get out of here."
Now granted, the problem is obviously not fixed. Temporarily yes, but now (hopefully) we can wait until next weekend, rent a snake thingie (technical term), and fix it ourselves. Whatever the clog was, it's gone for now.
The vision of my husband, plunger in hand, telling the plumber to F off and get the hell out of here-I was suddenly able to see the humor in the whole thing.
Go Hubbs!
It actually started yesterday-when I came home from work, Hubbs informed me that our vacuum had broken. This actually made me very happy, because we have been using an ancient 9000 pound Kirby for quite a while, and I hated it. So much so that I don't even think I've vacuumed this house since we bought it. Husband or Youngest always do it for me. But still, it meant money spent that we hadn't planned on.
This morning, I woke up, started a load of laundry, used the bathroom-and the toilet started overflowing. Weird, because it was just a normal bathroom usage, nothing out of the ordinary if you know what I mean. Youngest's toilet was also acting goofy, and while trying to fix it we realized the washer was backing up into his shower. (Let's call the landlord-oh yeah, we own this place.)
Now, we had plans today, plans that included finishing the trim on all the new windows, and painting, and taking time out to write another story, and of course mom/wife stuff-all the laundry, cleaning bathrooms, etc...
Hubbs and Youngest finally went under the house and realized there was some sort of clog that required calling a plumber. Great, there's God knows how much more money spent we hadn't planned on.
I called the plumber, explained the situation, and told him that the clean out drain was under the house.
"No problem, $85.00 and he'll be there in an hour."
Thank GOD, because I had already pee'd in the yard once-not having a working toilet does not work for me AT ALL. And $85.00? Not so bad.
When the guy showed up, he said "Oh, under the house? I can't do that, it's too unsafe. I need to call another guy, we'll go on the roof, and it's $175.00"
Hubbs came in, explained what the guy said, and at this point I was like-"Whatever-I have to pee again, I haven't showered, and it's 11am."
He decided to try the toilets and lo and behold-they worked! He ran the showers-drained fine!
So with plunger in hand, he went outside, told the plumber "You quoted my wife one amount over the phone, but now that the job's easier you want to charge me more? Never mind-get your shit and get out of here."
Now granted, the problem is obviously not fixed. Temporarily yes, but now (hopefully) we can wait until next weekend, rent a snake thingie (technical term), and fix it ourselves. Whatever the clog was, it's gone for now.
The vision of my husband, plunger in hand, telling the plumber to F off and get the hell out of here-I was suddenly able to see the humor in the whole thing.
Go Hubbs!
Friday, October 10, 2008
Scared!
I’ve wanted to write a book for quite a while. I don’t have the best writing skills, but I feel I have a story to tell. A story of survival, if you will. Not just survival, but actually overcoming the hand I was dealt at birth. When I look back on my life, I truly think it’s a miracle that I’m not institutionalized or dead. (And not for lack of trying!)
I thought that fear of failure had been holding me back. Then I realized I’m more afraid of succeeding than I am of failing. If I fail, I’m sure my fragile self esteem will be bruised for a while, but really it’s not the end of the world.
But if I succeed? Then people will know what sorts of things have happened to me, and what sorts of things I have done. I’ll have to go on a book tour, and do interviews and signings. Can you see me in a store with 100 people in line waiting to meet me? And what if they ask me a question about the abuses I’ve suffered? Am I willing to talk about that with strangers? In public? And if I refuse to do publicity tours, then what’s the point in writing it? I would like to get my story out, but I would also like people to know that you can get past the horrors of your childhood. I would like to inspire.
I know I’m ahead of myself-as I said, I don’t have the best writing skills, and if publishing a book were easy everyone would be doing it. But I like to plan for all scenarios, and these are the things my head comes up with.
At any rate, I’ve decided to write at least one short story this weekend. I have a few subjects floating in my head, thanks to the inspiration I’ve received from reading other’s blogs.
Wish me luck. And have a FABULOUS weekend!
I thought that fear of failure had been holding me back. Then I realized I’m more afraid of succeeding than I am of failing. If I fail, I’m sure my fragile self esteem will be bruised for a while, but really it’s not the end of the world.
But if I succeed? Then people will know what sorts of things have happened to me, and what sorts of things I have done. I’ll have to go on a book tour, and do interviews and signings. Can you see me in a store with 100 people in line waiting to meet me? And what if they ask me a question about the abuses I’ve suffered? Am I willing to talk about that with strangers? In public? And if I refuse to do publicity tours, then what’s the point in writing it? I would like to get my story out, but I would also like people to know that you can get past the horrors of your childhood. I would like to inspire.
I know I’m ahead of myself-as I said, I don’t have the best writing skills, and if publishing a book were easy everyone would be doing it. But I like to plan for all scenarios, and these are the things my head comes up with.
At any rate, I’ve decided to write at least one short story this weekend. I have a few subjects floating in my head, thanks to the inspiration I’ve received from reading other’s blogs.
Wish me luck. And have a FABULOUS weekend!
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Sleep, Glorious Sleep
I have never slept well. I have trouble falling asleep, I have trouble staying asleep, and when I am lucky enough to go to sleep, I have nightmares. This has been my sleep pattern for at least 20 years. In between the emotional issues and the fact that I wake up to pee at least 3 times a night, it’s amazing I am able to function at all.
I haven’t mentioned this yet because I didn’t want to hex it, but here goes.
I have slept through the night the last 7 days. In a row. Slept through as in slept solidly from 9:30-10:00 pm until 4:30-5:00 am. I woke up one night at 11:30, went to the bathroom, and went right back to sleep.
It is a miracle. I truly don’t remember the last time I slept through the night. The occasional night here and there (VERY few and far between), but 7 days in a row?
I would like to say it’s because I quit drinking, but I slept through the night after Virginia City the other day, and we did drink. I don’t know what’s causing it, but I am very happy. I wake up in the morning and I’m not pissed off because it’s time to get up already. I would like to stay in my warm bed and cuddle my husband a bit longer, but the anger is GONE.
And I haven’t been taking tranquilizers either, (That word cracks me up. Here, take one of these. You will be TRANQUIL. They should be called Numbilizers) though I did take a quarter of one last night. It felt like one of those nights where I was going to lay in bed and every mistake I have ever made in my life was going to be replayed before my eyes. Which it was, until I dropped off about 10pm. I was actually planning what I was going to do at 12:00 am if I was still awake, then-out. Like a light.
I did have another strange dream. Something about Hubb’s telling me “Well, I can KISS”. As in another woman. I woke up this morning and the first thing I said was “I don’t understand why you have to be so mean to me in my dreams.” Weird, because I trust him more than I have ever trusted another person in my life.
Here’s to night #8.
I haven’t mentioned this yet because I didn’t want to hex it, but here goes.
I have slept through the night the last 7 days. In a row. Slept through as in slept solidly from 9:30-10:00 pm until 4:30-5:00 am. I woke up one night at 11:30, went to the bathroom, and went right back to sleep.
It is a miracle. I truly don’t remember the last time I slept through the night. The occasional night here and there (VERY few and far between), but 7 days in a row?
I would like to say it’s because I quit drinking, but I slept through the night after Virginia City the other day, and we did drink. I don’t know what’s causing it, but I am very happy. I wake up in the morning and I’m not pissed off because it’s time to get up already. I would like to stay in my warm bed and cuddle my husband a bit longer, but the anger is GONE.
And I haven’t been taking tranquilizers either, (That word cracks me up. Here, take one of these. You will be TRANQUIL. They should be called Numbilizers) though I did take a quarter of one last night. It felt like one of those nights where I was going to lay in bed and every mistake I have ever made in my life was going to be replayed before my eyes. Which it was, until I dropped off about 10pm. I was actually planning what I was going to do at 12:00 am if I was still awake, then-out. Like a light.
I did have another strange dream. Something about Hubb’s telling me “Well, I can KISS”. As in another woman. I woke up this morning and the first thing I said was “I don’t understand why you have to be so mean to me in my dreams.” Weird, because I trust him more than I have ever trusted another person in my life.
Here’s to night #8.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Another Reason Why I Drink/Drank
I have a family member who, every once in a while, thinks that I am part of the conspiracy the rest of the world is involved in to make it a point to hurt his or his daughters feelings.
It's exhausting. It also makes me cry. And very angry. Why do I continue to defend myself to someone when I have done nothing wrong? We have gone months without speaking because of something he thought I said under my breath. Like, hello? When have I not told you to get the hell out of my house TO YOUR FACE?
I could go on and on, and I would like to, but quite frankly, I'm emotionally exhausted right now.
The best part? I'm at work.
Woo hoo!
It's exhausting. It also makes me cry. And very angry. Why do I continue to defend myself to someone when I have done nothing wrong? We have gone months without speaking because of something he thought I said under my breath. Like, hello? When have I not told you to get the hell out of my house TO YOUR FACE?
I could go on and on, and I would like to, but quite frankly, I'm emotionally exhausted right now.
The best part? I'm at work.
Woo hoo!
Whats REALLY In A Lulabelle
I had the most bizarre dream last night, and while I feel it is too personal to share, I will share what the dream dictionary claims is going on in my rattled head.
Situation #1- Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. You feel that someone or something is being forced upon you. (What the hell? I always feel like something is being forced on me (work, travel, getting up at the crack of dawn), and my self esteem/emotional well being is in jeopardy EVERY DAY, because that’s just who I am)
Situation #2- To see diamonds in your dream signifies the wholeness of the Self. You may be finding clarity in matters that have been clouding you. It may also point to your unchanging or unyielding nature. You may be distancing yourself from others. (All three of these are true. I am very unyielding, though I do feel myself changing because I have been finding clarity lately. And I do have a tendency to distance myself from people when my emotions get out of hand)
Situation #3- To dream that you are at a party suggests that you need to get out more and enjoy yourself. If the party is bad, then it indicates that you are unsure of your social skills (!!!). (The party in my dream was good until I had to kick Albert Einstein out for being an asshole. I was unable to find a reference to him in the dictionary)
Weird how correct it is, no?
Situation #1- Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. You feel that someone or something is being forced upon you. (What the hell? I always feel like something is being forced on me (work, travel, getting up at the crack of dawn), and my self esteem/emotional well being is in jeopardy EVERY DAY, because that’s just who I am)
Situation #2- To see diamonds in your dream signifies the wholeness of the Self. You may be finding clarity in matters that have been clouding you. It may also point to your unchanging or unyielding nature. You may be distancing yourself from others. (All three of these are true. I am very unyielding, though I do feel myself changing because I have been finding clarity lately. And I do have a tendency to distance myself from people when my emotions get out of hand)
Situation #3- To dream that you are at a party suggests that you need to get out more and enjoy yourself. If the party is bad, then it indicates that you are unsure of your social skills (!!!). (The party in my dream was good until I had to kick Albert Einstein out for being an asshole. I was unable to find a reference to him in the dictionary)
Weird how correct it is, no?
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Normal?
My mood is all over the place today. From anger and depression to hope and anticipation, I'm feeling it all.
I wonder sometimes how much of me is normal, and how much is "mental illness". There are times when I think that every doctor I've ever spoken to has no idea what they are talking about-I'm fine, just ask me.
Then I remember the times when I couldn't get out of bed because I was so depressed, or stabbed myself with a kitchen knife and I think "Oh yeah. I'm a little wacky."
In general, I think I'm doing ok. My emotions haven't been running my life lately, and I'm doing much better with things like shopping alone or talking on the telephone. (Not always, but hey-baby steps)
I really think the big turn around in my life happened when I met my husband, and then found a decent job. Happy at home, happy at work-it makes everything else so much easier to deal with.
When I look back on my life, I feel very lucky to not only be alive, but a functioning, productive member of society. If you would have known me 10 years ago you would have seen me for the lost cause I was.
I heard something the other day about someone I know, and all I could think was "Really? At his age?" I'm glad I was finally able to pull my head out of my ass. And I'm very glad my mother was still alive to see it.
I wonder sometimes how much of me is normal, and how much is "mental illness". There are times when I think that every doctor I've ever spoken to has no idea what they are talking about-I'm fine, just ask me.
Then I remember the times when I couldn't get out of bed because I was so depressed, or stabbed myself with a kitchen knife and I think "Oh yeah. I'm a little wacky."
In general, I think I'm doing ok. My emotions haven't been running my life lately, and I'm doing much better with things like shopping alone or talking on the telephone. (Not always, but hey-baby steps)
I really think the big turn around in my life happened when I met my husband, and then found a decent job. Happy at home, happy at work-it makes everything else so much easier to deal with.
When I look back on my life, I feel very lucky to not only be alive, but a functioning, productive member of society. If you would have known me 10 years ago you would have seen me for the lost cause I was.
I heard something the other day about someone I know, and all I could think was "Really? At his age?" I'm glad I was finally able to pull my head out of my ass. And I'm very glad my mother was still alive to see it.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Book Review
The Heretic Queen by Michelle Moran.
Another novel of historical fiction-I enjoyed this one as much as I enjoyed Nefertiti. It inspired me to Netflix the original Cleopatra, with Elizabeth Taylor. I love losing myself in times past.
Another novel of historical fiction-I enjoyed this one as much as I enjoyed Nefertiti. It inspired me to Netflix the original Cleopatra, with Elizabeth Taylor. I love losing myself in times past.
So……Tired…….
We had quite the eventful weekend here in Lulaland. We spent Saturday installing our last window, and I FINALLY started painting my living room. We bought the house almost 2 years ago, and it took me this long to decide on a color. It turned out beautiful.
Sunday we played tourist and took Youngest to Virginia City. We had lunch, and I decided to splurge and have a hot pastrami sandwich. I skipped breakfast, and I figured with all the walking it would all work out. WRONG! I gained 5 pounds IN ONE DAY! I know it’s mostly the sodium and it will drop right back down tomorrow, but it was shocking to see my weight go from 138 to 143 in one day!
After lunch Hubbs and I took an old time photo (Youngest didn’t want to)-me as saloon girl and Hubbs as my cowboy. It turned out well-Hubbs has the perfect old west look about him. A couple of tattoos are showing, but it’s very cute. If I can scan it and upload it I’ll share it here.
We decided to have a couple beers with lunch, and that turned it to a couple more once we got home. I didn’t feel like cooking dinner, so we took the boy to a little pub and had sandwiches for dinner. I tried to have chicken wings thinking they were the most diet friendly thing on the menu, but they were so salty (?) I only ate about 4 of them.
So, I lost time on my non-drinking streak, but I am more than willing to start over. I don’t like feeling this tired-it makes for a very unproductive work day.
How was your weekend?
Sunday we played tourist and took Youngest to Virginia City. We had lunch, and I decided to splurge and have a hot pastrami sandwich. I skipped breakfast, and I figured with all the walking it would all work out. WRONG! I gained 5 pounds IN ONE DAY! I know it’s mostly the sodium and it will drop right back down tomorrow, but it was shocking to see my weight go from 138 to 143 in one day!
After lunch Hubbs and I took an old time photo (Youngest didn’t want to)-me as saloon girl and Hubbs as my cowboy. It turned out well-Hubbs has the perfect old west look about him. A couple of tattoos are showing, but it’s very cute. If I can scan it and upload it I’ll share it here.
We decided to have a couple beers with lunch, and that turned it to a couple more once we got home. I didn’t feel like cooking dinner, so we took the boy to a little pub and had sandwiches for dinner. I tried to have chicken wings thinking they were the most diet friendly thing on the menu, but they were so salty (?) I only ate about 4 of them.
So, I lost time on my non-drinking streak, but I am more than willing to start over. I don’t like feeling this tired-it makes for a very unproductive work day.
How was your weekend?
Friday, October 3, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
So Brave
I had lunch with Hubbs this afternoon, and while this sounds like a normal experience, for me it is not. I decided to pick up sandwiches at the local deli and while waiting in line I had a brief moment of “What the hell am I doing here I have to get out NOW”. I have no idea what brings this on. It happens when I’m alone most often, but not always. If I think someone’s looking at me I really freak out, which is something I need to get over considering I’m almost 6 feet tall in these heels. People tend to look. I hung in there, got the sandwiches, and high tailed it out of there.
After leaving the deli I was on the road behind some kind of big truck towing some kind of something (girl speak). I thought to myself “Instead of getting irritated and passing him just to get in front of him, use this time to practice driving like a normal human being.” So I did. He was going almost to the exact same place I was, so I stayed behind him all the way to Hubb’s work. I used the time to sing at the top of my lungs (I’m loving that 30 Seconds To Mars song “The Kill”. There is something very satisfying about screaming “This is who I really am” as loud as you can)
After lunch (which was awesome, the Hubbs and I never have enough time together) I was in need of my daily Diet Coke fix. I almost drove an extra mile out of my way to go to the market I always go to. Familiar places are my saving grace. Then I thought, seriously? You’re going to drive all the way down there out of your way when there is a market RIGHT THERE on your way back to work?
I stopped at the new market, and not only was it on my way, empty, and very clean, my soda was on sale for $0.69!!
I know it sounds silly, but those three minor experiences left me feeling like I really accomplished something. I didn’t run out of the deli, I had a calm driving experience, and I visited a new market.
Go me!
After leaving the deli I was on the road behind some kind of big truck towing some kind of something (girl speak). I thought to myself “Instead of getting irritated and passing him just to get in front of him, use this time to practice driving like a normal human being.” So I did. He was going almost to the exact same place I was, so I stayed behind him all the way to Hubb’s work. I used the time to sing at the top of my lungs (I’m loving that 30 Seconds To Mars song “The Kill”. There is something very satisfying about screaming “This is who I really am” as loud as you can)
After lunch (which was awesome, the Hubbs and I never have enough time together) I was in need of my daily Diet Coke fix. I almost drove an extra mile out of my way to go to the market I always go to. Familiar places are my saving grace. Then I thought, seriously? You’re going to drive all the way down there out of your way when there is a market RIGHT THERE on your way back to work?
I stopped at the new market, and not only was it on my way, empty, and very clean, my soda was on sale for $0.69!!
I know it sounds silly, but those three minor experiences left me feeling like I really accomplished something. I didn’t run out of the deli, I had a calm driving experience, and I visited a new market.
Go me!
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Mom
Bits and Pieces posted a few “Children’s Letters to God” the other day, and like so many things do, it made me think of my mother.
I spent a great deal of time reading to her the last few months of her life, and that book was one of our favorites. It made us laugh, it made us cry, and helped start a few conversations we probably never would have had.
I know I will probably miss my mother forever, but I wonder if I will ever reach a point where thinking about her doesn’t bring tears to my eyes.
From the book-
“Dear God,
I am doing the best I can.
Frank”
That says it all, doesn’t it?
I spent a great deal of time reading to her the last few months of her life, and that book was one of our favorites. It made us laugh, it made us cry, and helped start a few conversations we probably never would have had.
I know I will probably miss my mother forever, but I wonder if I will ever reach a point where thinking about her doesn’t bring tears to my eyes.
From the book-
“Dear God,
I am doing the best I can.
Frank”
That says it all, doesn’t it?
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