Monday, October 13, 2008


I’m in the midst of some weird emotional breakdown. I cried most of the day Saturday. Well, maybe only for an hour or two, but it felt like all day. Huge wracking chest heaving sobs. I don’t know what caused it, or how to make it go away. Maybe writing about it will help.

There was a time several years ago when I felt the same way, and took to hurting myself to feel something besides what was going on in my head. I saw my therapist, and asked to be committed to the bin (as I like to call it) until I could get a grip on myself. But, my insurance doesn’t pay for batshit insane, they only pay for suicidally insane. So I went home with a box of anti-psychotics, slept for a few days, then slowly found myself again.

I am in the same place right now. The bitch of it is I have a job and they actually expect me to show up every day. I have no sick time left, so here I am. (Though Hubbs had a good point-sticking to my routine is probably the best thing for me)

I am also currently uninsured due to Hubbs changing jobs (where he is a big hero and they love him to death). Our insurance kicks in November 1st. I keep telling myself to hold on until then, I can freak out when I have insurance. I don’t know what the difference is, but whatever it takes I guess.

I really wish I knew what the hell goes on in my head that makes me feel broken. That’s how I feel right now, like something in my head just broke. I feel fragile and scared-and I was doing so well.

Happy thoughts please.


Little Wing said...

It's ok to breakdown sometimes. there's beauty in the breakdown.

Miyonao said...

So this just happened out of no reason at all? I have an idea. How about brain storming? Writing down whatever words pop up in your head and maybe you'll then find some clues(what made you sad) there.

I hope you feel better soon. I know you will.

LulaBelle said...

Thank you ladies.