Monday, October 13, 2008

Meltdown

I’m in the midst of some weird emotional breakdown. I cried most of the day Saturday. Well, maybe only for an hour or two, but it felt like all day. Huge wracking chest heaving sobs. I don’t know what caused it, or how to make it go away. Maybe writing about it will help.

There was a time several years ago when I felt the same way, and took to hurting myself to feel something besides what was going on in my head. I saw my therapist, and asked to be committed to the bin (as I like to call it) until I could get a grip on myself. But, my insurance doesn’t pay for batshit insane, they only pay for suicidally insane. So I went home with a box of anti-psychotics, slept for a few days, then slowly found myself again.

I am in the same place right now. The bitch of it is I have a job and they actually expect me to show up every day. I have no sick time left, so here I am. (Though Hubbs had a good point-sticking to my routine is probably the best thing for me)

I am also currently uninsured due to Hubbs changing jobs (where he is a big hero and they love him to death). Our insurance kicks in November 1st. I keep telling myself to hold on until then, I can freak out when I have insurance. I don’t know what the difference is, but whatever it takes I guess.

I really wish I knew what the hell goes on in my head that makes me feel broken. That’s how I feel right now, like something in my head just broke. I feel fragile and scared-and I was doing so well.

Happy thoughts please.

3 comments:

Little Wing said...

It's ok to breakdown sometimes. there's beauty in the breakdown.

Miyonao said...

So this just happened out of no reason at all? I have an idea. How about brain storming? Writing down whatever words pop up in your head and maybe you'll then find some clues(what made you sad) there.

I hope you feel better soon. I know you will.

LulaBelle said...

Thank you ladies.