Check This Out

We're a family of circus freaks!

Youngest Cousin (YC) and Brother in Law (BIL) are quite the unicycle riders. Personally, there is not enough beer in the world to even get me to try, but YC is actually very good.



Here's BIL-



And here's YC literally riding circles around his dad-



YC showing his mad skills--




YC, BIL, and Oldest Cousin teaching Youngest how to ride-



And of course, if Hubbs has anything to say about it, there will be rock jumping-



Would you try?

This and That

I have been so busy the past few days. It's been a nice busy though, hanging out with family and friends.

A few quick updates-

Here is a picture of the bacon wrapped jalapeños I made. They were DELICIOUS! I highly recommend them. I paid for it them the next day with my acid reflux, but they were so worth it.



Again, thanks to Pioneer Woman for the recipe. Find it here.

Little Wing, her mother, and I went to see Australian Pink Floyd last night. They're a Pink Floyd cover band, and they were awesome! If you're a fan of Pink Floyd, I highly recommend seeing the show if they come around your neck of the woods. Learn more about them here.

After the show I met Hubbs, his brother and the kids at the bowling alley and bowled a few games. I actually bowled three strikes in a row, and I beat the pants off of them the last game. Go me!

All this activity has left me a very tired girl. Today is relax, barbecue steaks, and spend some time with the family before they leave tomorrow.

Have a great weekend!

I'd Like To Thank The Academy.....

I'm grateful for my husband. I am the luckiest woman in the world to have found someone who knows all about me, has seen me at my physical and emotional worst, and yet still loves and adores me. He has never once laughed at me. I love you Hubbs.

I'm grateful for my Oldest. I feel blessed that he has decided to maintain a relationship with me even though I was not the best mother. He has grown in to a fine man in spite of his upbringing. Thank you son. You make me proud.

I'm grateful for my Youngest. He is respectful and polite, and he laughs at my jokes. He helps out when needed, he eats my tofu burritos without complaint, and he thinks I'm pretty. Thank you child.

I'm grateful for my brother. He has saved me from some crazy situations. He picks me up, brushes me off, and shoves me back out the door to try again. He is the father I never had. Thank you.

I'm grateful for the women who chose to marry in to my family. I know it's tough, we are all basically insane. But I think if you look at how we were brought up, you realize that we're actually doing damn well. You are both good women. Thank you for sticking around.

I'm grateful for the 2 cutest grandchildren in the world. Seeing their cute little faces makes me smile, and I love the fact that I'm a grandmother.

I'm grateful that my brother and I are actually leading healthy, productive lives. We are not repeating the cycle, and that is a miracle. We win.

I'm grateful for Little Wing. We finish each other's sentences, communicate without speaking, and she loves me, psychoses and all. Thanks for being there chickie.

I'm grateful for my in-laws. Mother, Brother, Sister-you are all such kind hearted, good people. You've helped me when I needed it and have never judged me. Thank you.

I'm grateful that I was able to care for my mother when she was dying, and I was holding her hand when she finally passed. I love you Mom, and I miss you every day.

I'm grateful for my job. It's like one big happy dysfunctional family, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I'm grateful for my health. I have a few issues, but nothing that can't be dealt with.

I'm grateful I'm able to provide good food, a warm home, and a loving atmosphere for everyone who passes through my door.

I'm grateful for finally realizing that what happened to me in my past, and the resulting bad choices I have made, do not make me a bad person. I couldn't have done that without the people I love.

I'm grateful for the friends I have made in the blogging community. You make me laugh, you give me hope, and you let me know I am not alone. Thank you.

I'm (learning to be) grateful for every wrinkle, stretch mark, and scar. My body has served me well-it's given me 2 wonderful children, and it keeps on ticking in spite of all the abuse I have inflicted on it.

And finally, I'm grateful that I have learned to laugh at myself, appreciate what I have, and speak up if there is something I need. I spent far too many years being silent, and I don't have to do that anymore. I have a voice, and I deserve to be heard. I not only know this, but I believe it.

Happy Thanksgiving. I hope everyone reading this has the best day ever!

Random Thought

Actually a not so random thought, since I was on my way to cook Ahi Tuna for dinner...

When I was little, we lived next door to a single mother who shared a house with her father. The little girl, whose name I can't remember for the life of me, couldn't pronounce my name so she called me Tuna. I still remember her little voice, calling out "Tuuunnnnnaaaaaa".

When my father was arrested, in the week or so before we packed our belongings and ran for our lives, a man came to our door. My brother and I were, of course, home alone. I remember him brandishing a knife, demanding to know where our father was. One of us snuck out the back door and went next door to the neighbor's house to ask for help.

The single mother wasn't home, but her father was. That old man marched right over to our front door with a shotgun in his hand and told the man with a knife to get the hell off of our property-"You leave those kids alone".

Years later, when I was in my 20's, I went back to see the house I grew up in. I thought maybe seeing it would lessen the horror in my mind. The single mother still lived next door, but her father had passed away. I told her of the above incident, and let her know how thankful I was that an old man had risked his life to save us from some knife wielding drug addicted maniac.

Just another thing to be thankful for.

Done!

So....tired......picture....quality....bad.....

The lemon bars ended up being a learning experience. You're supposed to add the butter until the mixture resembles coarse crumbs, but I got impatient and it turned into a big dough blob. I tried to use it anyway-



Then I realized that was completely lame,threw the dough in the trash, and started over.



More crumb like, no? After baking-



Youngest helped with the powdered sugar-



They look like hell, but my god, they are GOOD! Recipe here.

And finally, Youngest and I finishing the sugar cookies. Hubbs found it hilarious that I had a flour hand print on my booty,so I thought I'd share.



Now, off to brine the turkey, make guest beds, cook dinner, sjfihuh.....sorry, fell asleep there.

Happy Thanksgiving Eve!!

She CAN Bake A Cherry Pie!

Holy cow I did it. Granted, it was with all store bought ingredients, but still.
There is no real recipe-just grab 2 cans of cherry pie filling and 2 ready made pie crusts.



This is where it got difficult. I decided to make a lattice top-not easy.



Even with instructions, which I found here, it was still a little confusing.




Frustrating! It's a little uneven-I prefer the term 'rustic'. I brushed it with milk, sprinkled it with cinnamon and sugar-




And voila!



Not bad, not bad at all.

Up next-lemon bars!

So Far, So Good!

I have been busy busy busy! Come on, let's take a look at my progress.

Here's how my kitchen table usually looks. There's Cleo, waiting for dinner.



The table was made in 1890-something. We got a hell of a deal on it. It has three leaves, so it can expand to 6 feet.



Is that beautiful or what?



Here it is this morning, with all my baking ingredients. And yes, I used store bought pie crust. Give me a break-I'm new to this baking nonsense! Hard to believe I'm going to turn all that stuff into delicious treats.



The first thing I made was a pecan pie. (Recipe here-thanks Pioneer Woman!)Here it is prior to baking, looking like an ooey, gooey mess.



Finished product! I know the crust is kind of wonky, but it looks delicious!




By the way, in between pies I made the most delicious mashed potatoes I have ever had in my life. And you can make them the day before, then pop them in the oven when the turkey's almost done. Recipe here. And again, thanks Pioneer Woman!



They are truly the best mashed potatoes I have ever made. I had no idea that using a hand mixer was not the preferred method of making good mashers. I got quite the workout mashing those bad boys!

Up next-cherry pie!

Satan Cat...

Is in your kitchen, showing contempt for your dirty towel......

Random Thought

This just totally popped in my head.....

Remember those old wooden console television sets? No? Click here.

We had one when I was about 5 or 6 years old. Very similar to the picture, except ours had some "fancy" woodwork along the bottom-little nooks and crannies, you get the idea.

Anychildneglect, one day I was home alone for some reason that escapes me now, lying on my back watching cartoons. (Actually either I was home alone or my Dad was in a heroin nod-either way, I was unsupervised)I was absent-mindedly running my foot along the bottom of the console, when I realized my foot had slipped in one of the holes. I tried to pull my foot back out-no luck. I sat straight up and tried to work my foot out from that position-no luck. I remember not being too panicked-after all, I was little. How long could it possibly be before someone came home and found me?

Turns out-a long, long time. So long in fact that the house was pitch black when my mother finally cruised in. It's not like I could get up to turn the lights on when the sun went down. I was hysterical, exhausted, scared, and in pain. My foot was so swollen from trying to pull it out my mother had to ice it down before we could even attempt to get it free.

She ended up using Vaseline to grease my foot up and it eventually slipped out.

I'm sure this would have been traumatic for any child, but this was also right around the time that I realized bad, bad things happened in the dark in my house. I remember just being frozen with fear because the house was so dark and I couldn't see outside of the circle of light provided by the television.

I'll tell you what though-that cured me of ever trying to stick a body part somewhere where I wasn't sure if it would come back out.

Woo Hoo!

Have I mentioned how much I love Thanksgiving? I LOVE this holiday. I love preparing a huge meal for my family, I love spending the day in the warm kitchen, I love eating what I want without counting the calories, and I love spending time with my guys.

Today is my Friday-I took tomorrow off so I could start my baking. I think I’m going to sneak in a few side dishes too, to make Thursday a bit easier.

Brother-in-law and Nephews arrive tomorrow night, so today and tomorrow will be spent doing last minute cleaning and digging out air mattresses.

It feels good to be happy. I know that sounds silly, but the last batch of holidays were my first ones since my mother died, so this year I think it will be a little easier on me. I still miss her, but I can express it without gut wrenching sobs.

Happy happy!

Tuesday Funny

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Exhausted

I am oh so very tired today, but we had a great weekend.

Went to Brother's house to spend some time with Nephew-what a change in that boy! The Marine's have turned him into a man-a polite man, full of respect. Not that he was disrespectful before, but you can just see the change in him-he's proud of himself, and that makes such a difference in a person's attitude. I'm so proud of him.

Once I started thinking about it I realized that no one (that I can recall)in my family has ever served in the military. So I had to crack a million jokes about where the hell he learned that kind of behavior-but in all honesty I am very proud of him. I just want him to come home alive.

We went to a craft fair, and people kept stopping him and thanking him for serving our country, and every time someone did that I would tear up-I only actually cried once though, so that was ok.


We started our Sunday with my Brother showing up at 6am for breakfast-this after us not getting home from his house until around midnight the night before.

Then I proceeded to run around like a mad woman-cleaning, laundry, doing inventory of my cookware, shopping for pans I didn't know I needed, and wrapping gifts. All weekend I stayed up too late and got up too soon. (Isn't that a song? Poison I think. It is- "Look What The Cat Dragged In")

Anyhow, I am quite tired. And it's guitar lesson night for the boy, so no early bedtime for me.

And I think I'm getting a cold, which will piss me right off-Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, I can't be sick. I'm actually baking this year, which should be interesting. I'm going to try my hand at homemade pecan pie, and lemon bars. I'll post pictures-it should be fun.

What are your holiday plans?

Look!

I received a gift award from mile191, a fellow blogger. Thanks so much-that made my day!

I think I've said this before, but it certainly bears repeating. Blogging has opened up a whole new world for me. I started blogging to help myself get in the habit of writing every day, because I have stories in me that need to be told. I have actually written 2 short stories and am working on my third, so it has helped.

What I have received is I am now part of a community-a wonderful community of people just like me-people who want to be heard. Whether it's sharing funny stories or trying to heal, we are all in this together. It's nice to know I am not alone in whatever I may be going through-someone actually feels/has felt the same way!

I appreciate all of you who take a few precious minutes out of your day to post something new. And I am proud that I have been able to offer inspiration (and a giggle or two) every now and then.

Now go forth and blog.

WTH?

Things to not randomly blurt out when you're on the phone with your husband-

"Monkey testing!"

I think it's funnier to not explain it.....

Friday Funny

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Newman

I love this damn cat.

Book Review

Time Of My Life by Allison Winn Scotch.

I know we all have the "what if's" in our lives-this is the story of a woman who actually got the chance to go back and do things differently. The ending felt rather abrupt to me, but it was a good read.

Book Review

Change Of Heart by Jodi Picoult.

This book was excellent. A woman with more than her fair share of tragedy in her life makes a morally questionable decision in order to save her daughter's life.

It was well written, and full of plot twists that kept me wondering. I'm a huge fan of Jodi Picoult, and I highly recommend her books.

Chuck Norris

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.


Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.


For more laughs, visit www.chucknorrisfacts.com

Keep On Learning

While driving home yesterday, I let my mind wander as I sometimes do, and I came up with this.

What if the reason I suffer from such horrible anxiety is because for the first 15 years of my life, I was required to keep secrets? I grew up always afraid someone was going to find out something- the abuse at home, the suicide attempts, hiding from my real father-I kept secrets for YEARS. Shhhhh…….

Then one day, I didn’t have to anymore. I could be who I was, with nothing to hide. But what if that secret keeping part of me is so ingrained, that now, when I’m surrounded by people, I’m afraid of them finding out?

Just a thought.

Family

I love Thanksgiving, I really do. It is the one holiday I feel as if I’ve made my own, unlike Christmas. I spent so many Christmas holidays in foster homes and other people’s homes, I just haven’t been able to shake the feeling that I’m not where I belong.

Anyhoo, Thanksgiving. I have embraced it and made it my own. I have my whole routine-listening to old Motown hits while I cook and prepare appetizers and visit with my family all day long. I was, however, ready to give that up for this treat-

We were invited to go spend the day with Oldest and his family. I would have loved to go, but unfortunately gas alone would be over $200.00. So we’re making plans to visit in the spring. (I haven’t even met the new baby, and he’s almost 2. Bad Grandma.) The offer to go made me feel good though, and for now that’s going to have to be good enough.

*************************************************************************************

I have a nephew who recently graduated Marine Corp boot camp. He’s here (at his dad’s) for about a month before they ship him off to………..Iraq. I know. I suppose this is the part where I start blathering on about what a stupid war this is and how much our president sucks, but you know what? I don’t vote so I can’t bitch. All I can do is pray to God that this turns out like it’s supposed to, and that “like it’s supposed to” doesn’t mean my nephew getting killed over there. We’re driving to my brother’s on Saturday to spend the day with him before they ship him off.

*************************************************************************************

My husband’s brother is married to a shrew. I spoke with her on the phone right around the time they first started dating, and I told her I knew what kind of woman she was and that I had my eye on her. Then we met, and my first impression remained with me. Yuck. One thing I hated? I don’t believe in ultimatums. And she was full of them. (Making him give up the occasional cigar? Threatening divorce? Come on) Ok, two things-she was rude to my mother in law-you do NOT mess with people’s mothers. I could go on, but…..

Ends up, they are divorcing. I feel terrible for brother in law-he is such a great guy. But he does deserve so much better than her, so maybe this is a good thing.

He decided he needed to get away for Thanksgiving, so he and his son are coming to our house for the holiday weekend.

So my next week is very well planned out. Shopping this night, cleaning this night, visiting this day, etc… As you know, I have a tendency to get overwhelmed, so let’s see how this turns out.

Ugh.

I’ve been fighting a migraine since Saturday. I have pills that help, but they leave me feeling so groggy I usually avoid taking them until the last minute. I took 2 of them Saturday, and I felt better Sunday, but now I feel it is coming back.

I hope to write more later-I have a lot of upcoming events I would like to talk about. But for now, I need my rest.

More soon.

Outside My Window

I was lucky enough to get a new digital camera for my birthday-and I have discovered that I take terrible pictures. Hopefully you will be able to track my progress along with me, but for now-

The view of the Pah Rah Mountain Range outside my office window.



Kind of makes up for the fact that I have to sit at a desk all day.

Book Review

Stori Telling by Tori Spelling.

Please, Ms. Spelling. I understand your mother is a bitch, but complaining about having to pay rent on an apartment she bought for you because you let some man run through all your money? And you only made $300,000 on whatever show?

Thanks for clarifying you really are a spoiled child. I know, I know- "The manner to which you've become accustomed and all that."

Perhaps you should become accustomed to things you can actually afford?

(I wonder if she realizes that the money she inherited from her father-I believe she ended up with $400,000-is more than some people make in a lifetime?)

Why Yes, Everything IS about Me!

And you know what? This is going to sound selfish, but all this drama could not have come at a worse time. Maybe it’s just my perception, but whenever I feel like some breakdown is coming on, things around me seem to fall apart and add to it. I wish I could have just a few minutes to decide if I’m losing it or not before something happens that makes me actually lose it.

I feel like crying, I have all day. I feel bad for my son, I feel bad for the words that were exchanged in my house last night. It’s like the universe says “Not sure if you’re having a breakdown? Here, let me help.”

I know this day has been much worse for my son, and I’m glad it’s almost over for him.

Poor Kid

I took Youngest to get his hair cut last night, and the girl who cut it is the one who cut it before. She did a really good job last time, so I have no idea what happened this time.

He looks like he has girl hair. I feel SO bad for him. I almost let him stay home from school today, but then I thought what if we can’t fix it until Friday? I can’t let him miss 3 days of school. I also thought it would be good for him to face his fears head on, and not hide in the house like I do.

I wish I would have went with my first instinct and let him stay home. He just called and said kids have been making fun of him all day. My heart is officially broken for him.

Anyhow, I’m leaving work early to take him to a barber so we can fix it. And hopefully the kids at school will find someone else to pick on tomorrow. Little ratfuckers.

What The Hell DMV????

I'm pretty sure everyone at the DMV hates me. I don't know why-I've never really met any of them or even had a conversation beyond "I'd like to renew my drivers license please." My last picture was so bad, when Little Wing saw it she said "Wow. Got meth?"

Yes. It was that bad. So for my birthday this year, instead of renewing by mail I though I would treat myself, spend the extra $2.50, and get a new picture.

Little Wing hasn't seen it yet, but I'm pretty sure the first words out of her mouth will be "Wow. Got pot?"

I would like to add that the first time I went, the lady let the guy in front of me re-take his horrible picture. When I asked, she said "No. It's fine." Fine if you're a frickin dope fiend.

This time, she warned the guy in front of me. She actually said "Get ready to smile. The flash will go off in 3...2...1..."

Me? She said "Lift your chin." That was it. I got no 3...2...1... click. I got no warning, no get ready to smile. I even asked her if my eyes were open. Her response? "Yes. It's fine."

Hubbs is convinced that they hate pretty girls and want us to look bad in our photos.

I'm going with that.

Hilarious!

Does anyone remember that old SNL skit about the man who didn't know how to use the stairs?

Here's the feline version.

Book Review

Genius and Heroin by Michael Largo.

I find it interesting that the most brilliant people are plagued by alcohol and drug abuse.

This book is laid out in alphabetical order, with everyone from Hemingway to Dickinson to Cobain making an appearance. Drug/drink of choice, how they lived, and how they died-it's all laid out in an easy to read format.

Read it-you might learn something!

Book Review

Rough Weather by Robert Parker

As I've said before, I've been reading Parker since I was 16 years old. He's an old favorite, and I generally enjoy his books.

This was a very fast read-I don't know if it's because of the large print or what. But it was an ok story. Not a bad way to pass the time.

What Now?

I have been trying to be more aware of myself and my moods. What sorts of things set off my depression, why do I get so angry and irritable, etc….

I woke up this morning (after sleeping very well) and did not want to get out of bed. Part of it was I was so warm and comfortable, but once I got up it just felt like it was too much. Too much effort required to get ready for work, to show up at work and actually be productive. I don’t know why-things went well this weekend, and we had an excellent family day yesterday. I’m not hung-over and I did sleep well.

It’s such a pain in the ass dealing with myself sometimes, I swear. Why can’t I just wake up and feel happy? Why does there always have to be some sort of moodiness ruling my day?

Apparently I’m feeling a tad sorry for myself-I will take the advice “Fake it till you make it”. I will pretend all is well until I start feeling it today. I will try to make today a good day.

Random Thought

I was just outside sweeping leaves, and I thought about how much I love my life right now, and how many times in the past I tried to end it.

It seems weird now-I have such a profound fear of death, and a strong love of life. But there were times, my God. I've taken so many pills, and had so many stitches in my arm. I see the scars as a daily reminder to appreciate and love this life I'm in.

Busy, Busy

I'm pretty sure I ate my body weight in sushi yesterday. Afterwards, all I could do was flop on the couch and catch up on my "Weeds" episodes.

Today is Fall cleaning day. In preparation of winter I like the house to be as clean as possible-it makes for quicker weekend jobs.

So far I've cleaned both bathrooms, done 3 loads of laundry, went grocery shopping, cleaned the ceiling fans, changed the bedding, and threw out about 3 years worth of clutter.

Hopefully I've burned off at least one of the sushi rolls!

Sushi Day!

Hubbs, youngest, and I are going out for sushi when Youngest gets home from school. Birthday sushi-it's been a week long celebration!

I took today off of work, which allowed me to stay up late last night and play on the internet. It was nice to stay up as late as I wanted without worrying about the million things I have to do the next day. Even on weekends I don't stay up late because there is always something to do the next day. I grocery shop very early in the morning on Saturdays to beat the crowds. But today, I'm free until Hubbs gets home at noon.

Lounging around, some alone time with Hubbs, then sushi with the family. The perfect day!

Yes, You. Beautiful You.

Remember?

When your parents divorced, and your mom promised that everything was going to be better now?

One of my favorite bands-

For Miyonao

And-the cat's a star! He has his own website, you can see it here. Enjoy the videos!

Friday Funny

When I need to '"check out" of work for a few moments, I can usually find something on the internet to crack me up. Have you seen the Yearbook Yourself website? Upload a photo of yourself, and see how you would look in the styles of various years.

I chose my baby picture.

Here's Baby Lula in 1954-



And again in 1964-



The year I was actually born, 1968-



And more modern, 1990.



I actually had that hairstyle in the 90's!

It's my Friday-I took tomorrow off to continue the 40th birthday celebration.

Have a great weekend!

It's My Birthday!

40 Things

1. I made it!
2. There is such a thing as too thin. I know that now.
3. I miss my son.
4. I read (and believe) in tarot cards.
5. I hate scary movies.
6. It’s better to be overdressed than underdressed.
7. I wish I had a dog.
8. I own a home.
9. I’ve been arrested.
10. I’ve participated in a protest.
11. Parenting guilt never goes away. Do it right the first time.
12. I’ve finally learned to speak my mind.
13. I have 7 tattoos.
14. I believe Marilyn Monroe was murdered.
15. My grandmother died at 46, my sister at 45, and my mother at 69. I plan to beat them all.
16. After 6 years, I still get butterflies when I see my husband each night.
17. I feel better than I ever have.
18. I think Scientology should be stopped by whatever means necessary.
19. I don’t get to spend nearly enough time with my family.
20. I couldn’t carry a tune if my life depended on it.
21. I sing constantly.
22. I brush my teeth more than 5 times a day.
23. The strength I showed when my mother was dying still amazes me.
24. My father was a heroin addict.
25. I’ve learned to function when gripped by fear.
26. I’m trying. I really am.
27. For me, self-control is a choice. I don’t always choose correctly.
28. Whatever it is, say it before it is too late.
29. Whatever it is, do it before it is too late.
30. The trauma of my childhood no longer defines me.
31. People who don’t move their arms when they walk freak me out.
32. I miss my mother.
33. I am not the person I was 10 years ago. Thank you.
34. I have a weirdly high I.Q.
35. I have severe road rage.
36. When I was 12, I broke both my arms. At the same time.
37. I wish I had braces.
38. You will regret not flossing.
39. I’m afraid of the dark.
40. I wish I could make it up to you.

The First 5

I believe it has been said that what a child experiences the first five years of life sticks with them forever. Let’s take a look at what shaped a Lulabelle, shall we?

Hmmm, I wonder where I learned to self medicate myself?




Ahhh. That explains quite a bit now, doesn’t it?



What a happy little girl! So carefree!



Still happy a year later-looking a bit tired though.


And........



Can you see it? I swear when I look at pictures from my childhood I can see the moment when things changed. I wasn’t afraid of monsters-I had them living in my house. I saw them every day.

My eyes look progressively more haunted as the years progress, trust me. For some reason, that picture of 4 year old me on the monsters lap just cracks me up. Then it becomes not so funny.

I’m glad I’ve reached a point where I can make jokes at my own expense. I certainly can’t dwell on my childhood the rest of my life.

But, if I could change anything about myself, I would change that little girl’s eyes.

Weird!

Edit-I wrote this entry, and when I logged in to post I realized my post from yesterday was titled "Flying By". So apparently, all that stuff I wrote below? Bullshit. I probably had the dreams because I feel like life is flying by. Get it??

The last two nights I have had the same dream-well, the same event in both dreams.

I’m standing at some random location, when I suddenly throw my arms above my head and shoot in to the sky.

The first night I was scared, and I told myself “Too high!” So I allowed myself to drift back down before I enjoyed the fall.

Last night I shot up in to the air, and I enjoyed the feeling-very exhilarating-and the scenery. It was fun looking down on the earth from that perspective.

Today, Little Wing and I looked up the meaning-


If you are feeling fear when you are flying or that you feel that you are flying too high, then it suggests that you are afraid of challenges and of success.

If you are flying with ease and enjoying the scene and landscape below, then it suggests that you are on top of a situation. You have risen above something. It may also mean that you have gained a different perspective on things. Flying dreams and the ability to control your flight is representative of your own personal sense of power.

What could it mean? How has my perspective changed in the last 2 days?

It could be the way I’ve been feeling about turning 40-the number shocks me, but
1. I don’t feel 40 and
2. I am DAMN lucky to have made it this far.

Girls like me end up in prison, on the streets, swinging from a pole, or in one institution or another. I, on the other hand, have an excellent job, my own home, family and friends who love me-and I’m (basically) sane.

I actually feel pretty good where I’m at right now.

Forty schmorty!

Flying By

This year has flown by. So much so that things I wanted to do, had every intention of doing by a set date-not done. Not even close.

I turn 40 Wednesday. I started my list of “40 things” about 2 months ago, and every time I think of something to add I write it down. Then I told myself I would take a weekend before my birthday and 1-make sure I had 40 things and 2-make sure they were 40 things that really reflected me.

Guess how many I have? 14.

This is something I really wanted to do, so I will try to complete it. Technically I have until 12 Midnight, November 5.

Otherwise, I’ll have to add “I’m a huge procrastinator” to my list.